doing okay

I was in St. Louis last weekend and a little freaked because i found out my mother would be unexpectedly arriving. I always have to be majorly prepared for any time with her; her constant criticism and comments effect me in ways i've, as of yet, been unable to squelch. i worry constantly about what i'm wearing, how i look in it, does my face look fat, are there any rolls in my mid-section, are these pants flattering..? I catch her giving me the once over and feel naked...

i know we all have parent-issues, and i'm not saying mine are any worse than anybody elses; but the vulnerable side of me doesn't understand why she can't find a better, more constructive way to show her love for her daughters. It's as if she believes the only way to convey such feelings is through showing us our faults and telling us how to better ourselves in HER eyes.

I've endured this torment, every time i see her, for almost 20 years now. You'd think i would've built up a tougher skin to it...but no; not so. My older sister Sandra doesn't understand why i don't just let make like a duck with mom when she goes on and on....let the comments roll off my back. I just can't, and i can't explain why. It makes me feel shitty -- and even more; makes me not want to be anywhere near her.

i knew i'd be seeing her when we spend a week in Pensacola coming up here soon (next weekend), and was sorta prepared for that (coz we wouldn't be seeing her TOO, too much) -- but wasn't prepared for hits impromptu visit. I wasn't feeling 'thin' enough, as stupid and pathetic as that sounds. lol!

I got thru it with the help of of Mr. Pino (Grigio), and though i caughter her giving my figure the 'eye' -- i managed to escape without scars this time. Whew! Possibly only because it was a 3 hour visit. lol! I left first thing in the AM...which was a HUGE blessing!

Anyway; as i'd mentioned earlier, my dog SAntini passed away while was gone. It breaks my heart, but i'm also grateful i was spared the image of his lifeless body on our cold terrazzo floor. He was the best of dogs, and i loved him completely--but he'd been old and frail for a few years now, and i knew the time was coming. Every morning he awoke surprised me, to be frank...so having him with us for as long as we did was a true blessing.

Rest in peace, sweet Santini! I'll remember you always...

As for my body/weight during all this~ remarkably, i had gained no weight while away. Well, .6 lbs (half a lb?), but that was all water, i'm sure. I was SO bloated and swollen upon my return, I had cankles!

The problem is; i can't seem to get back into the swing of things...i'm not getting hungry within 2-3 hours, which tells me that my body is NOT in fat-burning mode. It's telling me i'm in 'storing' mode...and also; i can't seem to get us back on track with the 21 day "plan" we were supposed to be doing all this time. And Tom's lost some momentum, too -- we both have.

I'm still exercising; i walked for a long hour while in St. Louis along this wonderful trail with Linda and her husband and son, and i did my 10 miles yesterday (walking & biking) but did nothing on Mon. Our Virtual-Walk the length of Florida has me motivated exercise wise, but i'm not being very diligent with my food. I'm just tired of always having to think about it...i wish i could just BE sometimes...without the burden or worry of always thinking about food, my weight, exercise, and what i look like.

I'm not feeling depressed, but i'm tired of this fight. It's so silly to say that, because people are so much worse off than me in so many aspects of this 'fight' -- and i know, intellectually, that this 'fight' is a life-long one, if i'm to avoid diabetes. But i still can't get a fire in my belly about it for much longer than a couple of weeks...

Every time i start a new program, or have a new vision of health/fitness...i feel amazing; for about 2 weeks. Then life and all of it's trials set in and distract me. Will i weight 171 forever? Is this my full-time weight now?

If so; that would totally suck.

My dog died

while i was in St. Louis this weekend visiting my sister and her family...this is the eulogy i posted on FB...

Our Beloved Santini, at the age of 13, passed away on June 11, this past weekend, while i was away. I had his sweet spirit in my life for over 10 years...graced with his unique personality after finding him wandering the Austin interstate. Full of mange, intestinal and heart-worms, sick with an ear-infection, and fleas the size of raisins (darn near!), with a fresh dog-bite on his forehead -- he came into my life and saved me TWICE from burglary. I'll forever miss his sweet face, his bark that made me giggle, and his funky fur that was never soft! We'll love and miss you always, Santini...Rest In peace, sweet Boy. :o)

Don't feel like writing...will blog tomorrow.

not doing so well...seem to lost steam

Didn't weigh in today, or yesterday, coz i fear the scale is up. I feel bloated and awful. My allergies are ridiculous...it feels like my entire body is inflamed and full of fluid. We partied like rock stars on Sat night, but i didn't eat crazily, nor did i drink as much as i'm capable.

We've just lost track on our 21 day program and can't seem to get back on board! And i just found out i'll be seeing my mother next weekend -- about 2-3 weeks sooner than i had planned, and THAT stresses me out. All she's gonna do is criticize me constantly, and tell me what i should be eating/not eating, how i should be exercising -- and i'm already annoyed by it! I live a healthier life-style than any of us in our family, and she'll be relentless and critical the entire time...

She wasn't supposed to be going on this trip, but my older sister told me today that she's going, and bringing my mom. Gee, thanks. Now a trip i was looking forward to is completely stressing me out.

BUT; our kitchen is in the home-stretch and i'm able to cook in it again. I'm not set up with dishes/ pots & pants/ utensils, etc -- but will be soon! I made us Bison burgers last night and it was awesome cooking while seeing/hearing the TV! It's so beautiful, too -- i'll post pics when i have it all set, the way i want it.

k, Tom has talked me OUT of exercising tonight - we're gonna watch a movie instead. i'm gonna shower, make dinner (Taco Salad) and settle in for an early night. I was up at 2:30 for 2 hours with a sneezing/allergy fit that had me exhausted all day. Hmmm...actually; a night of relaxing sounds pretty good. I don't think i have the energy for a long work out -- and i'd have to do 45 mins of biking and 30 mins of walking or elliptical training to get my 10 miles in.

Tomorrow's another day...