doing okay

I was in St. Louis last weekend and a little freaked because i found out my mother would be unexpectedly arriving. I always have to be majorly prepared for any time with her; her constant criticism and comments effect me in ways i've, as of yet, been unable to squelch. i worry constantly about what i'm wearing, how i look in it, does my face look fat, are there any rolls in my mid-section, are these pants flattering..? I catch her giving me the once over and feel naked...

i know we all have parent-issues, and i'm not saying mine are any worse than anybody elses; but the vulnerable side of me doesn't understand why she can't find a better, more constructive way to show her love for her daughters. It's as if she believes the only way to convey such feelings is through showing us our faults and telling us how to better ourselves in HER eyes.

I've endured this torment, every time i see her, for almost 20 years now. You'd think i would've built up a tougher skin to it...but no; not so. My older sister Sandra doesn't understand why i don't just let make like a duck with mom when she goes on and on....let the comments roll off my back. I just can't, and i can't explain why. It makes me feel shitty -- and even more; makes me not want to be anywhere near her.

i knew i'd be seeing her when we spend a week in Pensacola coming up here soon (next weekend), and was sorta prepared for that (coz we wouldn't be seeing her TOO, too much) -- but wasn't prepared for hits impromptu visit. I wasn't feeling 'thin' enough, as stupid and pathetic as that sounds. lol!

I got thru it with the help of of Mr. Pino (Grigio), and though i caughter her giving my figure the 'eye' -- i managed to escape without scars this time. Whew! Possibly only because it was a 3 hour visit. lol! I left first thing in the AM...which was a HUGE blessing!

Anyway; as i'd mentioned earlier, my dog SAntini passed away while was gone. It breaks my heart, but i'm also grateful i was spared the image of his lifeless body on our cold terrazzo floor. He was the best of dogs, and i loved him completely--but he'd been old and frail for a few years now, and i knew the time was coming. Every morning he awoke surprised me, to be frank...so having him with us for as long as we did was a true blessing.

Rest in peace, sweet Santini! I'll remember you always...

As for my body/weight during all this~ remarkably, i had gained no weight while away. Well, .6 lbs (half a lb?), but that was all water, i'm sure. I was SO bloated and swollen upon my return, I had cankles!

The problem is; i can't seem to get back into the swing of things...i'm not getting hungry within 2-3 hours, which tells me that my body is NOT in fat-burning mode. It's telling me i'm in 'storing' mode...and also; i can't seem to get us back on track with the 21 day "plan" we were supposed to be doing all this time. And Tom's lost some momentum, too -- we both have.

I'm still exercising; i walked for a long hour while in St. Louis along this wonderful trail with Linda and her husband and son, and i did my 10 miles yesterday (walking & biking) but did nothing on Mon. Our Virtual-Walk the length of Florida has me motivated exercise wise, but i'm not being very diligent with my food. I'm just tired of always having to think about it...i wish i could just BE sometimes...without the burden or worry of always thinking about food, my weight, exercise, and what i look like.

I'm not feeling depressed, but i'm tired of this fight. It's so silly to say that, because people are so much worse off than me in so many aspects of this 'fight' -- and i know, intellectually, that this 'fight' is a life-long one, if i'm to avoid diabetes. But i still can't get a fire in my belly about it for much longer than a couple of weeks...

Every time i start a new program, or have a new vision of health/fitness...i feel amazing; for about 2 weeks. Then life and all of it's trials set in and distract me. Will i weight 171 forever? Is this my full-time weight now?

If so; that would totally suck.