Doing Better, but still not great

I've been doing pretty great regarding exercise this week ~ so far, anyway. :o) Monday i walked with Tom for 30 minutes, came home and biked for 30 more minutes, then took a sauna ~ garnering 16-17,000 steps that day. Tues i walked again with Tom, but never hit my 10,000 steps for the day -- i was just too pooped to bike, as i'd intended. BUT, at least i got a 30 min walk in, so i was happy about that.

Yesterday, i walked in the AM with Addison (our dog), then again with Tom in the evening -- reaching 14,000 or so steps by the end of the day. That was a good day, and i FELT like i'd exercised -- even tho my 'walks' aren't power-walks where i'm working hard, hard, hard! Hmmmm...maybe that's something i should change..? Is my intensity not up to snuff? I keep saying i intend to add 3 days of weight-training/sit-ups/push-ups etc into my routine -- but have ceased to follow thru yet. Something to consider, eah?

In any case; I'm feeling good about the exercise -- altho my food-intake hasn't been as good. It hasn't been nuts, but i'm not being as diligent as i should be. The thing is; i don't understand why i'm NOT being more careful. I mean; it's just as easy to eat what i'm supposed to as it is to eat what i'm not...it doesn't make sense. Unless i'm just being lazy and listening to that silent monster in my head that seeks to keep me from my goal.

My friend, Michelle -- my weight-loss pen-pal, whom i've never physically met, but feel i know very well -- she was close to 190 last year, after the death of her mother. She acknowledged that she was emotionally eating and out of control. We'd actually connected before all that -- when she was somewhere around 150 lbs. In any case; over the course of the last 12 months -- she's down to her 120-130's...having lost close to 60 lbs!

Granted; we're going about this differently...she eats low-carb almost exclusively (a day of eating could be 1 pork-chop for b'fast, 1 piece of fish for dinner), and i not only don't WANT to eat that way, i think it's very unhealthy in the end -- but still; she's showing remarkable discipline and i just can't seem to get to a place where i'm more diligent.

I'm finding myself thinking about the weight where she is and feeling jealous. I can visualize myself at 130 and since my goal weight is actually somewhere nearer to 135-140, i would actually BE THERE! I can almost feel the relief of having reached it...!!

But alas; i'm no where near there. I'm still firmly at 176-175. If i could reach 160 before Pensacola -- i'd be THRILLED! But wishing and doing aren't the same things ~ are they? Most of my actions show that i WISH it, but am not GETTING it. Is it merely a question of will power and stick-to-it'dness? Or is it more...? I'd LIKE to think it's more, but that's really just avoiding the truth, isn't it?

BUT, there IS the question of chemistry...no? I mean; maybe part of the problem is because i'm allowed carbs on my "diet" -- The NDFH. Not a lot of them, and certainly no processed sweets, per se. But i have 1 piece of bread or 5 crackers per 'serving' -- whether that's a meal or a snack. And i eat certain fruit (i usually have apples, peaches, pears, or strawberries) -- and that could be keeping my cravings for more carbs alive and well.

I dunno...i just don't understand why i'm not being more focused when i keep saying this is something i want. Obviously it's something i want...and if so; i'll ask it again ~ why aren't i doing it?

sigh.

Anyway -- i have some things to do this AM before a dental appt to have two crowns delivered (all that means is -- to have them put on), then i have a client coming to use the sauna before her NMT appt. I'm gonna walk while she's in the sauna. I WILL be better with my food today! I just had my NDFH b'fast (1 pc. toast with 1 TB whipped cream cheese and 2 slices non-fat ham, with 1 cup NF milk)--and will have my 'snack' before my walk, while my client's in the sauna...then have lunch around 1:00. I'd gotten tired of the taste of salmon for a while, but had it again the other day and loved it. I had better weight-loss days when i was eating more salmon. I think i'll go back to that. And, i'll be cooking dinner for us in the camper tonight, so we don't eat poorly "out".

I DID discover a new lil fast-food joint near us that has the most delectable selection of foods. All i've tried is the Grilled Tilapia wrap -- but i have no idea how healthy that really IS for me. Huh. I'd better look up some of those ingredients and find out, before i go nuts on it, the way i often do with new food i discover. It's the flour tortilla that may be the clincher.

Gonna look it up now...
will check in later...

Oh, btw: i'm afraid to weigh in again...just coz it was going in the wrong direction the last time i did. I wanna wait til i FEEL thinner. lol! I know; dumb -- but i just don't wanna see the scale stuck again.

til later....

Hmmmmm....

I woke with a new sense of determination and bravado, thinking: "I WILL get my walk/bike ride in this AM and will do 20 mins of weight-training!" Of course, that would be coupled with eating when i was supposed to/ what i was supposed to/ how much i was supposed to...blah, blah, blah...

And this is what i did instead; I slept in a little (not what i was supposed to do), never got to b'fast til 10AM (way later than i was supposed to), had 2 pieces of low-carb toast with cream-cheese, avo, and sliced smoked turkey (with a glass of milk) instead of the 1 I probably should've had, and haven't made it out the door for my walk yet...something i was supposed to do around 8:30 (it's now 11:02)...

Oh, and i weighed 177.6 again today. WTF? I was 175 2 days ago! Well, i guess the blueberry pancakes and sausage i had yesterday, plus missing all of my snacks, and the pizza-for-dinner 2 nights in a row this weekend, plus the Coke and chips i munched a little of - guess it all took it's toll. I should be happy i'm not back at 180!

I still ask myself; am i really serious this time? i'm supposed to be, coz now it's not just a question of losing weight...it's a question of avoiding diabetes. That's something that i, without a doubt, MUST do. Why aren't i taking it more seriously? What has to happen for me to not only intellectually "get it" -- but for me to actively, physically with conviction work myself AWAY from it? It's as if i'm relying on the meds and a few walks and bike rides to do all the work, and that's just dumb.

Dumb.

progress...

I'm listening to the sound of hammers and drills from the kitchen. Our new crew of sheet-rock installer arrived at 8:00 AM sharp and have been working diligently the entire time. It's such a relief to know we're beyond the chaos of Antonio and his messy-lie-infested-life.

Tom and i rose early and went for a 30-min walk after the crew arrived. I plan to mount my bike and get in another 30 mins so that my 10,000 steps are fine'. ;o) It'll feel good to have 3 days of work-outs behind me. If i can get it in tomorrow AM -- that'll be 4, and i'll feel even better about that! (If?? I mean WHEN!)

I've started dragging out equipment that's been stored in my closet for a while; a medicine ball, my thera-ball (large, inflated ball you do push-ups, sit-ups, balance exercises on), and hand weights. I need to put together a good weight-training plan for my core, my back, & my arms. If i can fit in 1 hour of cardio a day (30 min walk should be automatic every AM + 30 min bike ride at night, before a sauna.) -- with weights 3x's a week -- even if i only do 20 mins of that (push-ups, sit-ups w/trunk twists, lat-flys, bicep curls, tricep dips, etc) -- i should be good, right? I mean; i don't need a trainer to tell me i should be doing all of that -- right?

I just need to DO IT! Tom's started working out a little this week as well. I think he did 3 nights of biking, and walked with me this AM. It's a start. We both just need to be diligent about it. Of course; it doesn't help that we ordered a pizza last night for dinner. LOL! It was a thin-crust, heavily sauced pepperoni and we didn't finish it (something new for us! We used to ALWAYS finish it!) -- so we've improved a little there. ha!

We did have the left over 3 pieces (me-1, Tom-2) for b'fast, tho ~ before our walk. Was that such a bad thing?? i figured it contained at a min 15 grams of carb, cheesy-protein, & tomato/veggie sauce/ Not ideal; but not horrible. And it's not like we mowed on it or anything. I had 1 small piece.

In any case -- i'm realizing that i'm running out of time and May will be upon us shortly -- then i'll only have 7 weeks to be in better shape than i'm in! I MUST get my shit together!!

Didn't weigh in today...didn't want to after that pizza. Plus; i had a bit of an intestinal bug yesterday/last night; mild fever and diarrhea. I always tend to retain fluids when i have a bug...didn't wanna see THAT on the scale either. ;o)

k, gonna get my bike-ride in. I feel pretty good about today. Gonna have my exercise out of the way, progress is being made in the kitchen, and the house was cleaned 2 days ago. We have a few errands we can run later this aftn when the crew is gone -- then we can relax with a nice light dinner (soup/crackers), and watch movies all night. Ahhhhh...just having no worries about anything right now feels good...

Well, except for worrying about losing more weight before June 26! ARG! *(that's our vacation date to Pensacola)

k, gotta bike!

scared to weigh in, but more bad news...

Our Sheet-rock-installer that has been causing such grief in our lives is finally MIA, and with our $$!! What gets me and has really twisted my stomach is that i wanted to trust him, because he was presenting compelling stories that just COULDN'T be un-true..or so i thought. Truth be told, tho; i really don't know what happened...



He stayed in contact with me throughout the last few weeks, even AFTER we paid him $700 in cash, with no prospect of more $$ til after the job was done -- and took the time to explain his absence or whatever else was the issue at hand...all of this when he could've easily just written us off EARLY...right after receiving our cash. It's the weirdest thing. But as of yesterday; his phone no longer works.

In any case; i'm way ready to get off the roller-coast that is his life. We've hired a new crew to start tomorrow AM and get our walls finished. Just knowing we're moving in a positive direction eases me -- even tho we're out $700.

Shit.

Anyway -- I actually DID weight in (this is a continuation...i stopped writing and came back to this just now...) and am at 175. I thought i'd be higher, coz i was a few days ago. I'm happy with that. I still haven't been eating as often as i should be. BUT i HAVE been exercising! I plan to get a walk and bike ride in tonight, still...need to! Perhaps i'll take my walk now...while Tom's putting up insulation. Hmmmm...may have to do that.

I'm still now below 175 and am pissed at myself for that. How do i expect to be thinner and trimmer by vacation time if i don't buckle-down and get my shit together? I find my mind keeps going back to "start again next week..." like a twisted mantra of pseudo promises. I guess that's how i've gotten by all these years...inching my way into my 40's and not a lb lighter.

Double shit.

k, i'm tired of typing and thinking about this. I've been debating a friend on Facebook about Obama and his policies and America's "racism"...it's exhausting when people ignore facts so that they can continue to live in the dark...

til later...

a better day...

...and i've completed over 17,000 steps today! :o) Also; i had all three meals, and 2 small snacks--just as The NDFH dictates! :o) I was a good girl today.

I'm feeling a tad over-full at the moment, coz i just got out of the sauna where i drank about a quart of water in 30 mins...AND we went out for dinner and i ate more bread than i needed, and half a baked potato i probably shouldn't have had -- BUT; even with that minor indulgence...i still feel good about today...

I went for a 30 min walk this morning with our dog, Addison -- and had a busy day of errands and shopping for counter-tops. Then tonight, i did 35 mins on the bike, and a 30 min sauna. Am feeling pleased and satisfied that today was good...where all that's concerned, anyway.

Still at a stand-still with our construction help; who ended up in jail over the weekend for un-paid traffic tickets and failure to show up for court. What a dummy. So now he's mega-behind with ALL of his work/clients/customers -- and i'm sure our piddly little job isn't at the forefront of his brain.

Luckily, our cabinets STILL aren't ready (and won't be til next Mon or Tues) -- so his time away, and subsequent time NOT completing our project hasn't effected us too terribly. I'm still pissed, tho -- and have decided that if we don't hear from him by tomorrow; i'll be hounding and harrassing his cell phone every 5 mins. He'll wish he was still in jail.

Nothing pisses me off more than people taking advantage of another's generosity (of time, of money, of patience...), and even more; thinking they can get away with it. I hope i'm wrong about him, and he'll do the right thing and contact us pronto in the AM.

But that's just a hope...

Trying to get back on track...

I'm i'm donning my tennis shoes and heading out the door with Addison; our sweeter-than-sweet Husky/Golden mix. I ate like a dumbass this weekend ( booze, pizza 2x's, fast-food, soda) and am too scared to look at the scale. Instead; i'm choosing to get back on the exercise train (despite the doc wanting me to wait 2 whole weeks coz of my stupid knee) and see if i can knock it down some...

Also; i must, must, must make sure i get all my snacks in -- something i've been really bad about. I totally feel a difference in my body when i DON'T eat, which sounds weird - i know! But my nutritionist seems to be right about that...eating LESS, or certainly less often, with this 'condition' is a recipe for trouble. I need to be more diligent about that...

Slept fitfully, anxious about what will happen with our sheet-rock installer. He's been in 'county' *(that's right; in jail) since last week. Before that, he'd had a series of personal crisis and delays that have stalled our project. If we hadn't paid him 2/3rds of it already in cash, we'd be cancelling his ass. But since i haven't a clue how to pursue a Corpus subcontractor for things like cash-paid-for-services-UN rendered...i think we may be stuck. I think...

i'm about to call him before heading out on my walk. Fingers and toes crossed that we aren't out 700bucks and still without a dry-waller...

And...Paula's Here!

...so perhaps THAT's why i couldn't get the scale to budget this week...? Hope so! I tell ya tho; that sauna really does a number on my cramps. Meaning; when i was using it real regularly last year -- i never knew when Paula was about to make a showing, coz most of my symptoms vanished! I had no cramps, or no other precursor to her arrival. And subsequently; during the months i did NOT use it regularly (and on those rare months she visited, as i'm in menopause now) -- she made her visit loud and clear pretty early on.

This month, except for my mention of having felt ovulation-like a few weeks ago, i wasn't expecting her at all. i'd actually forgotten about all that -- until BOOM! Last night -- here she was! No cramps, no warning that she was headed my way. I think this is one of the things i need to tout as far as the sauna's added benefits. It clearly has a REAL effect on the way my body processes the sloffing off process during that whole "cycle"...

Anyway -- am hoping that once she takes leave again, i can see the scale bounce down a bit. If not; i'll be able to exercise again next week (i hope!) -- so maybe that'll do the trick! Tom wants to get on board now too, which he often SAYS, but rarely ever DOES. We'll see how committed he is this time. ;o)

Another bad week -- and it's making me positively EDGY!

I saw the orthopedist this Mon and he wanted me to lay off any exercise for at least 1 week...possibly two. I'm on anti-inflammatories for my knee. The swelling just won't go away. We're seeing if this'll do the trick...

So, what i've noticed is that even with a pretty darn good diet (albeit i skipped a few snacks, and i'll get into that in a few) -- without the exercise, my weight hasn't budged. Still sitting firmly at 176. Ugh!

How is it that eating less often (ie; less caloric intake) doesn't equal weight LOSS? I wake up feeling thinner every morning, only to weigh myself and see no change. But the weeks when i'm biking and using the sauna...it's a steady decline.

So, needless to say; i'm looking forward to getting back on the bike. I suppose i still could be using the sauna, but it seems to go with exercise for me these days. Maybe i'll try it tonight and see if it garners any difference.

This has been the week from hell, other than that. We're in the middle of the kitchen remodel and i'm having a disastrous time with our contract help. The whole situation has not only tried my patience to the nth degree; it's made my stomach squirrely in a way i'm just not used to. I don't cringe from conflict...never have. i don't mind at ALL telling somebody to get their shit in gear...but i can't exactly say what i want to here, because a cash-payment (already made!) is involved, and we need this guy to friggin' finish! I'm beyond frustrated and constantly worried we're being scammed or taken advantage of -- and what makes it even worse is that it was I who found this guy and wanted to hire him.

Shit.

I've also realized that i hate that feeling of distrusting somebody's intentions. This reminds me too much of being married to Rob. Maybe that's why it's messing with my stomach. That constant edge of anxiety; wondering if i'm being lied to or manipulated...it's too familiar. And i resent being put in this situation...altho it is I (!) who put myself here.

Double Shit.

I think i need to let it go. Yeah...that's what i need to do. The world won't come to an end if our sheet-rock isn't installed today and even if he blows us off and takes off with our money without finishing his job; losing $600, while being a real drag, won't kill us. I may be tempted to print all over Craigslist and anywhere else i can think of "Don't Hire (insert name here) coz he's a lying, crooked shyster that does shitty work!!!" -- but THAT will be the hardest part of all; NOT doing exactly that. ;o)

Other than that; i'm feeling okay, i guess. I have tendinitis in my right arm and it's re-inflamed and painful. I'm making good money lately, but feel overwhelmed with all the money i'm trying to save for summer travel and other things i'd planned on for the house. I think i over-extended myself a bit. Just trying to get it all in order.

Hmmmm...maybe that's at the center of all of this. I feel like things have spiraled out of control -- with our contract help (i have no control there, that's for sure!), with my concern over making enough $$ for the next few months, with the fact that i can't exercise and get better results with my weight-loss efforts. It seems every which way i turn to gain ground, my efforts are foiled.

Triple Shit.

k, i'm tired of thinking of this.
I have clients coming soon. Maybe that'll take my mind off things for a while...

Uh Oh!

The scale was not my friend yesterday. All the indiscretions i'd been partaking in over the last week have caught up with me; exercise be damned! I was up a total of 4 lbs yesterday AM -- at 179 lbs! I hadn't been at that weight for a while. I had a mild internal freak-out, then decided to get down to brass-tacks. I ate better, ate at home, and worked out longer. I'm afraid to weigh in today....coz i had pizza at our friend's house last night, and i had 3 glasses of wine.

I've felt bloated for about 3 days now...maybe it's PMS. I did feel ovulation-like last week, so i must be preparing for the other shoe to drop. Right? I hope, i hope, i hope!

Anyway -- gotta eat b'fast so i can stay on track today. Am looking forward to today, actually. It's one of the first days we don't have a ton of things to do! I have a client at 2:00, and will just do a few errands in town before/after that. I plan to hang out and watch movies today...we may hook up with friends for dinner/drinks tonight, maybe sing some karaoke. It's been a while for that. It might be fun! :o)

Trying not to be too down on myself weight-wise...especially if it's mostly PMS related. :o)

Bought a new DIET product -- AcaiOptimum

What will it do? Well, if it does as promised; it'll promote weight-loss...and fast! I dunno if it was a silly thing to do or not...but i was over-taken by that instant need to buy a pill as a solution to this problem. It's only a 2 week supply (that will automatically bill my CC a monthly supply, if i don't cancel it in time!) - and i only paid 5bucks for it. We'll see if it's anything at all...

I'm researching Food Lovers Fat-loss plan (or something like that) which teaches one how to eat all the foods they love (yep; my early-in-the-week's binge foods included) in the proper combination so that my body will burn fat, not store it; even in the presence of fast-carbs/trash-laden foods.

I thought it might be a better way for Tom to get on board, so he doesn't become overwhelmed with guilt when he eats poorly; because honestly -- his negative thoughts around weight and fat-ness really bug me. It's hard to hear somebody so critical of their OWN fat, and not imagine they MUST be critical of mine as well, ya know? And i can't stand how effected (affected?) he is by his poor body image. I don't see what he sees...but he clearly is deeply effected by it because it's touched other avenues of our life...or "lack" there of; if you know what i mean.

This WOE it seems to be kinda what i'm doing anyway. I'm certainly not eating like a saint, but maybe--without even PLANNING it--i'm mixing in enough slow-carbs with those fat carbs, and adding enough protein to all of it to slow it's process down. AND, maybe with the meds i now take that allow any excreted insulin to actually be accepted into my cells -- maybe a combination of all these things are keeping me from gaining those 15 lbs of weight back.

Well; i say that, but today i weighed in and am at 177.2. I was at 174.4 this time last week. That's 3 lbs UP now. I actually FEEL bloated, tho -- my hands are tight, my skin on my face is...my belly is. I'm having severe allergic reactions to our spring-time weather, and my whole body feels inflamed! But of course; some of that water-weight could have to do with the shitty lunch i had a while ago, AND the fact that i basically skipped b'fast and my first snack of the day...something that i know will keep me from losing.

According to my nutritionist; skipping meals is as bad for me as eating the wrong foods. They both prompt an insulin reaction that will keep me bloated and foggy. It's stupid to skip snacks when all i have to do is walk over to a refrigerator and grab something. I dunno why i'm not doing it...i always feel better when i do!

Is it that Self-Saboteur Monster again?

I worked out last night, and will again today and tomorrow -- so i'll have at least 3 days of it under my belt. I always shoot for a weekend work-out as well, but almost never do it. I dunno why. I'm usually just here--doing stupid stuff around the house. Surely i could fit in 30 mins of biking.

Again; dumb.

I'm feeling some pressure now, tho; we have a vacation coming up where we'll be going home (MY home) to Pensacola for a week on the beach. I'm arranging a 'get-together' for any of our high-school grad class (that's local, that is) to come join us for a day at the beach. I had visions, when i first started planning this, of being 40-45 lbs lighter and feeling thin and pretty for this 'get together'. Now; it's only 3 months away, and even if i lose another 15 lbs -- i won't be as thin as i'd imagined myself to be. I certainly won't match up with my ongoing-fantasy in my head; complete with compliments on how little i've changed, and how GREAT i look for 45! lol!

Egads. I'm pathetic.

Still tho; i need to get serious about this, or i'll begin dreading the get-together and feel like shit about myself. Ya know; this isn't unusual for me...to have a goal in mind, start heading for it, see it over the horizon, then stop it cold in it's tracks. Is that just a self-esteem issue? A fear of success; rather than a fear of failure? Maybe THAT's why i bought that new product; Acai-whatever.

Oh well; i'm not gonna figure it out today. Just trying to understand myself better. i know i'm not comfortable at this weight, so why do i keep myself here? What's blocking me? Do i really not want it and am just telling people i do because i know they expect me to want it? Does that make sense?