long time, no see...

I know...but i've been traveling and busy, and frankly; have forgotten about this site. ha! Besides...i have no viewers or followers, so what's the big deal? ;o) It's only me...writing for me! And i guess that's okay...

Tom and i took our trip to Pensacola a couple of weeks ago. This is how it went...

Two days before we were driving to Pensacola, the news declared that the oil-leak in the gulf (a disaster that happened over 2 months before) had brought oil sludge to Pensacola beaches. This happened on Wed...we were leaving for the beach on Fri. Nice.

On our drive down (over, across...whatever) -- Tom was extremely tired and didn't look well. Turns out, he had a fever. We ended up stopping in Louisiana for the night so he could sleep...

We got there the next day, MUCH later than i intended and it totally screwed with my time-table, but...

We got to the condo only to discover ~ it was on the 3rd floor, and the elevator was out of commission. Not only was the condo up 3 flights, but INSIDE the condo there were stairs to everywhere you needed/wanted to go; my room, the kitchen, etc. By the end of us getting our gear into the condo, and hauling groceries up the stairs...my knee was aching and swollen.
Double nice.

My friend Carol arrived a few hours later. Tom took a nap and i went to dinner with them, then came home to go to bed. We were all tired. By the next morning. I (!) had a fever, and felt like shit. I downed a dose of Dayquill i'd bought for Tom and prepared for the day. We were having our MHS Mini-Reunion that aftn, so i had to get my shit in gear and make a ton of lumpia (as i'd promised everyone), and get all the drinks, etc out to the pavilions across the street. We didn't have as many people show as they SAID would, but we had a nice turn out over-all...about 30 or so people! It was fun, and i drank way too much before the day was through. We went to bed late, and i have no memory of it...

The next morning -- more fever, more Dayquil to get thru my day, and to add insult to injury; it started raining...and wouldn't stop until the day we left the beach. Triple nice! :o) We ended up going to the movies and to dinner, and that did it for that day. I was tired and felt sickly anyway, so it was okay.

Because of the oil; the Gulf side of the beach was off-limits...NO swimming allowed. We felt we'd be safe on the sound-side, which is my preference anyway, but because of the rain and stormy weather...even THAT didn't look inviting. Eventually; by the end of the day - we ventured into the sound for an hour or two, and that was nice, but not exactly "beach weather". I made chili for dinner that night, i think -- and we met some friends at an out-door concert (that was nice!), then over to The Sandshaker for karaoke night. Again; i drank too much, and some drama with a girlfriend ensued between her beau and her, via her cell phone...AFTER he had the bar-waitress track her down, coz he couldn't reach her. (Talk about control issues!) I don't remember the end fo that night either. i wasn't really eating enough, combined with feeling sick and too much booze. Oh well...what i remember was fun! :o) I sang Blue and rocked the house...long, exuberant applause, which was nice!

We went canoing the next day...in the rain...at a place i used to frequent as a kid. It just wasn't as i'd remembered it, but i guess -- what is, at this stage? Nothing about it felt or looked the same...i was kinda bummed by that. The constant over-cast skies and rain didn't help tho. Felt like a whole other world. Went to dinner with my friend Pam and her husband and daughter. It was a lovely meal, but my GOD! That girl talked and talked and talked and talked...she never quit! By the time the evening was up; i was exhausted from straining to listen. What does it mean when you see a person you USED to be quite close to, and haven't seen them in a long time, and when you DO; all they do is talk about themselves...NEVER asking about YOUR life, or what's going on with YOU? Is it narcissism or insecurity...i can't decide. But it was trying enough to make me question whether i'd try to see her again when next in town. Tom and i were both worn out by the end of the night...plum tuckered out. :o/


We tried to get in more beach time on Thur, but...it was raining. I went to the sound anyway, and eventually Tom found his way in too. We floated around It was nice...only when we got out, Tom had what looked like a big glop of sand attached to his knee. When he wiped it away, it smudged...because it WASN'T mud...it was oil. Damned stuff had made it's way around the Pass and was now in The Sound. Shit. That night, we met up with my friends Joy Wanda at a bar (that played lousy music), and got home kinda early -- before midnight.

The next morning -- we drove for hours (it seemed) to find a place to have b'fast (and when we did, it wasn't so good). I ended up meeting my friend Wanda at her condo (they own one, down the way, further away from The Pass) and our friend Janet from hi-school came over and we floated and talked for several hours. This was one of the nicest things i'd done on vacation...really enjoyed that! That aftn; we decided to cook hamburgers on the beach (at the pavilions we'd had out mini-reunion at) and my mom came out (finally; had been trying to get her out all week!), and Wanda and Janet came by. We took some pics, did more visiting, and had a nice meal. The evening was filled with packing and trying to prepare for a long, long drive home...which we started at around 8 AM the following day.

The whole week went by without much fan-fare and not much 'beach' time -- which was a huge bummer. i didn't get in any of the walking i wanted to do; couldn't walk on the beach, and it took DAYS for my knee to feel better, not to mention my cold/fever.

I didn't maintain my 'diet' per say, but didn't do too badly, considering the alcohol consumed. I gained 3 lbs, but took it off pretty quickly after getting home... am at 171 right now, and had finally broken through that 170 ceiling before leaving town. Haven't gotten back down to 169 yet, but think i can by the end of the week.

I started Zumba classes this week (a Latin dancy-aerobic class) and am trying to get in my 9-10 miles for my virtual walk. We leave for our road trip next Fri, so i wanna gain some ground before leaving...

Anyway; my client's here.
Will check in later in the week...when i've hopefully broken back thru 170 and am firmly at 169, or heck! 168 wouldn't be so bad either! :o)

doing okay

I was in St. Louis last weekend and a little freaked because i found out my mother would be unexpectedly arriving. I always have to be majorly prepared for any time with her; her constant criticism and comments effect me in ways i've, as of yet, been unable to squelch. i worry constantly about what i'm wearing, how i look in it, does my face look fat, are there any rolls in my mid-section, are these pants flattering..? I catch her giving me the once over and feel naked...

i know we all have parent-issues, and i'm not saying mine are any worse than anybody elses; but the vulnerable side of me doesn't understand why she can't find a better, more constructive way to show her love for her daughters. It's as if she believes the only way to convey such feelings is through showing us our faults and telling us how to better ourselves in HER eyes.

I've endured this torment, every time i see her, for almost 20 years now. You'd think i would've built up a tougher skin to it...but no; not so. My older sister Sandra doesn't understand why i don't just let make like a duck with mom when she goes on and on....let the comments roll off my back. I just can't, and i can't explain why. It makes me feel shitty -- and even more; makes me not want to be anywhere near her.

i knew i'd be seeing her when we spend a week in Pensacola coming up here soon (next weekend), and was sorta prepared for that (coz we wouldn't be seeing her TOO, too much) -- but wasn't prepared for hits impromptu visit. I wasn't feeling 'thin' enough, as stupid and pathetic as that sounds. lol!

I got thru it with the help of of Mr. Pino (Grigio), and though i caughter her giving my figure the 'eye' -- i managed to escape without scars this time. Whew! Possibly only because it was a 3 hour visit. lol! I left first thing in the AM...which was a HUGE blessing!

Anyway; as i'd mentioned earlier, my dog SAntini passed away while was gone. It breaks my heart, but i'm also grateful i was spared the image of his lifeless body on our cold terrazzo floor. He was the best of dogs, and i loved him completely--but he'd been old and frail for a few years now, and i knew the time was coming. Every morning he awoke surprised me, to be frank...so having him with us for as long as we did was a true blessing.

Rest in peace, sweet Santini! I'll remember you always...

As for my body/weight during all this~ remarkably, i had gained no weight while away. Well, .6 lbs (half a lb?), but that was all water, i'm sure. I was SO bloated and swollen upon my return, I had cankles!

The problem is; i can't seem to get back into the swing of things...i'm not getting hungry within 2-3 hours, which tells me that my body is NOT in fat-burning mode. It's telling me i'm in 'storing' mode...and also; i can't seem to get us back on track with the 21 day "plan" we were supposed to be doing all this time. And Tom's lost some momentum, too -- we both have.

I'm still exercising; i walked for a long hour while in St. Louis along this wonderful trail with Linda and her husband and son, and i did my 10 miles yesterday (walking & biking) but did nothing on Mon. Our Virtual-Walk the length of Florida has me motivated exercise wise, but i'm not being very diligent with my food. I'm just tired of always having to think about it...i wish i could just BE sometimes...without the burden or worry of always thinking about food, my weight, exercise, and what i look like.

I'm not feeling depressed, but i'm tired of this fight. It's so silly to say that, because people are so much worse off than me in so many aspects of this 'fight' -- and i know, intellectually, that this 'fight' is a life-long one, if i'm to avoid diabetes. But i still can't get a fire in my belly about it for much longer than a couple of weeks...

Every time i start a new program, or have a new vision of health/fitness...i feel amazing; for about 2 weeks. Then life and all of it's trials set in and distract me. Will i weight 171 forever? Is this my full-time weight now?

If so; that would totally suck.

My dog died

while i was in St. Louis this weekend visiting my sister and her family...this is the eulogy i posted on FB...

Our Beloved Santini, at the age of 13, passed away on June 11, this past weekend, while i was away. I had his sweet spirit in my life for over 10 years...graced with his unique personality after finding him wandering the Austin interstate. Full of mange, intestinal and heart-worms, sick with an ear-infection, and fleas the size of raisins (darn near!), with a fresh dog-bite on his forehead -- he came into my life and saved me TWICE from burglary. I'll forever miss his sweet face, his bark that made me giggle, and his funky fur that was never soft! We'll love and miss you always, Santini...Rest In peace, sweet Boy. :o)

Don't feel like writing...will blog tomorrow.

not doing so well...seem to lost steam

Didn't weigh in today, or yesterday, coz i fear the scale is up. I feel bloated and awful. My allergies are ridiculous...it feels like my entire body is inflamed and full of fluid. We partied like rock stars on Sat night, but i didn't eat crazily, nor did i drink as much as i'm capable.

We've just lost track on our 21 day program and can't seem to get back on board! And i just found out i'll be seeing my mother next weekend -- about 2-3 weeks sooner than i had planned, and THAT stresses me out. All she's gonna do is criticize me constantly, and tell me what i should be eating/not eating, how i should be exercising -- and i'm already annoyed by it! I live a healthier life-style than any of us in our family, and she'll be relentless and critical the entire time...

She wasn't supposed to be going on this trip, but my older sister told me today that she's going, and bringing my mom. Gee, thanks. Now a trip i was looking forward to is completely stressing me out.

BUT; our kitchen is in the home-stretch and i'm able to cook in it again. I'm not set up with dishes/ pots & pants/ utensils, etc -- but will be soon! I made us Bison burgers last night and it was awesome cooking while seeing/hearing the TV! It's so beautiful, too -- i'll post pics when i have it all set, the way i want it.

k, Tom has talked me OUT of exercising tonight - we're gonna watch a movie instead. i'm gonna shower, make dinner (Taco Salad) and settle in for an early night. I was up at 2:30 for 2 hours with a sneezing/allergy fit that had me exhausted all day. Hmmm...actually; a night of relaxing sounds pretty good. I don't think i have the energy for a long work out -- and i'd have to do 45 mins of biking and 30 mins of walking or elliptical training to get my 10 miles in.

Tomorrow's another day...

Back on track -- but...

still feeling icky from the indulgences of the weekend/early part of the week. I'm not gonna weigh myself tho...lest i become discouraged.

i decided to deem the last 5-6 days Fat-Lovers-FREE, and make yesterday our continuation of the 21 day plan...ie; Tom and i did Saturday thru Fri of last week (7 days) -- so yesterday would've been day 8. Maybe this way we can make sure we do all that's required of the plan...coz i still need to buy some items he wanted us ot have for the 2nd week (vitamins, supplements).
Wanna do it right...

I started a new challenge on Facebook for my pedometer club members. Did i tell you? We're doing a virtual-walk-across-the-states (starting with Florida; Key West to Pensacola-- 847 miles total) -- and i did 9.6 miles yesterday -- i was trying to get 10 in.

I really made me tired, tho. I walked for 30 minutes, biked for another 35, and was just busy puttering around all day and got 18,000 or so steps (i need 19,000 to garner 10 miles) -- and by the end of the aftn, i was ca put! I was gonna try to do another 10 miles today, but it sounds so daunting at this second...

Maybe i'll feel more rested as the day goes on...i'm trying to do 50 miles a week...so that i'm done with this jaunt before the end of summer -- and, who are we kidding here...? I'd like to WIN! To get there first! :o) And i feel this goal will keep me movitaved and moving...and not brushing it off if i know the other pedomter-step-monsters are getting huge numbers, which they tend to do.

Anyway -- just checking in and saying that i'm glad to be back on track. I so wanted to be about 15 lbs lighter by the time we left for vacation...don't think that'll happen now. :o( Oh well...

Have had a bad couple of days...

I ended up at Wal-Mart getting a gift for somebody, and walked by the bakery section. What was there...staring me right in the face?? A smallish coconut cake. What'd i do --when faced with this temptation? Why, i bought it of course!

i'm so weak. It's pathetic.

But listen to this; i ate 2 or so pieces throughout the night, then covered it back up and set it in the trash can. The next day -- since it hadn't been 'touched' by trash...i got it back out and finished it. Not all in one sitting, but before the night was through, that's for sure!

THEN, i did well yesterday...planning to get back on track. i worked out (walked, biked -- got 8.3 miles towards our "virtual" walk across Florida) and ate well, and today...when faced with my last day before Tom comes home -- what'd i choose to do? Because i won't have 'privacy', and can't eat in secret once Tom's home -- so, because time is almost out, I ordered a pizza...and the clincher; it didn't even taste good!! What a waste of energy, time, $$, and calories!! I'm gonna take some Metamucil and see if i can move it thru quicker...

I went to lunch with my friend Dez, and i had a healthy fat-loss plate, but then we split a dessert, after i'd already had my 'fast carb' of potatoes. I ate my mid-aftn snack (protein bar), then came home and ordered my stupid pizza.

My stomach has been squirrely ever since. I didn't work out...was on the verge of diarrhea all night long, and just didn't have it in me to work hard while my stomach was so queasy.

BUT: i have plans to rise early...walk Addison for 30 mins, and immediately come home and get on my bike for 20-30 mins...then do another 20 mins or so tomorrow night -- and then sauna. I'm behind with the whole program and need to get back on board. Exercise isn't such a huge part of it at this stage, but i'm hoping if i work out a lot; i can neutralize the damage caused by the cake and pizza.

What do you think? Am i only dreaming?
And who eats out of a trash can?? What the fuck is that about?? Does that say something about self-worth? Or was it more about that was just where the cake happened to be?

Clearly; that's an emotional issue...not a food one. It's not like i'm a starving person who has no food, except for what's in the trash. It was more like a ghostly pied-piper, made up of white flour and sugar...sitting in that can, calling to me..."i'm still clean...come eat me! I'll be gone soon, and you'll regret it if you don't!" -- dumb.

k, it's late and i'm pooped.
Am determined to have a better food/exercise day tomorrow!
It all starts with a plan...just got STICK WITH IT!!

Tom returns tomorrow night, and not a day too soon. Clearly; i'm not ready to be alone, or strong enough not to resort to old, dysfunctional behavior.

I weighed 174 this AM...3 lbs up.

Shit.

Didn't FULLY go-off track, only a little

...but did NOT buy the coconut cake i SO wanted to buy yesterday. :o/

I was actually driving in that direction when i decided to be good to myself and NOT do what my old-patterns would have me do. Instead; i went to HEB and bought some food for the next 5-6 days that are Food Lover's Friendly, rented a couple of movies, and enjoyed an evening on the sofa...

My house is super-clean, the pool is sparkling, and i'm enjoying this time alone. I figured out a way to wedge something under the bedroom door, too -- so i'm not constantly awakened by strange house-sounds and freaked out. This way; nobody can get in. Not without making a lot of noise; and if that happens...Mr. 38 Special will be ready & waiting. :o)

I DID indulge a little bit, tho -- i bought a cheese log and had about 1/2 of it on whole grain crackers. I'm only supposed to have about 4-5 crackers, and i had easily double that-- and more cheese than i needed. And a little later, i had 2 of the Organic toaster-pastries we're allowed (they're actually ON the approved-snack-list), with a little butter on them. It was all yummy, but i was uncomfortably full and looked forward to getting back on track today.

I DID weigh myself just to see if i caused much damage and was up less than a lb, but still up. I think if i do well today, and exercise, i'll be fine. A girlfriend invited me out for drinks/dinner tonight tho -- so i'm not sure how to handle that.

I would LIKE to have a drink, but dunno if it'd be worth it. Two nights off the wagon may be too much; especially if this 'night out' isn't worth it on the fun-o-meter. Meaning; if it were to lead to a fun night of singing/dancing, etc -- it'd be totally worth it! But if it's just food and drinks...nah. Not so much. Know what i mean?

Anyway ~ i'm gonna walk the dogs now, then come home and shower, see a movie, do a little shopping, then come home and float in the pool for a bit before getting my toes done. Then i'm off to meet my girlfriend for drinks/dinner. I LOVE Sat's like this...and as much as i enjoy Tom's company; i'm loving having this time to do as i please...with no one to consider by myself...

Does that make me selfish??