Having a bad week...:o(

I can't seem to get back on track. Tom was out of town Monday night, and because i knew this in advance; i was rather obsessed with planning what i would eat while he was away. It felt like old-times...back 'in the day' when i would binge-eat whenever Tim (Husband #1) traveled...which was constantly; since he was a pilot in the USMC.

As the day of Tom's travel drew near, i toyed with the idea of staying ON track...how rewarding that would feel if i did well, instead of indulging and gorging myself. I came close to doing that when i woke up with a sinus infection Monday AM...thus, giving me the necessary nudge in the wrong direction. Whenever i feel poorly, i feel i must treat myself to something i really like, because i'm SICK after all!

Dumb.

So; Tom left for work, i saw my only client for the day (cancelled everyone else coz i had a fever), then i drove to HEB for the things i'd been planning. The entire weekend, i couldn't decide if i'd prefer a bag of Oreos (it's been years since i'd had any) or Pop-Tarts. In the end; two reasons settled me on the Pop-Tarts...the warm crust and buttery goodness when i slathered oozing,melting butter over it's hardened frosting...and the fact that Oreos, if memory serves, always destroys my stomach. There's something truly toxic for me in those cookies.

I bought milk, eggs, Pop-tarts, lunch-meat (for Tom for later), a bottle of Pepsi, and a bag of Doritos. I knew i'd be ordering a large, thin-crust Pepperoni from Pizza Hut as soon as i left the store. The milk and eggs were purchased because i didn't want it to look to the check-out clerk like i was heading home with 2 bags full of shit-food to gobble. Milk and eggs are wholesome. Everybody thinks so; their purchase was designed to trick her.

It's always interesting to me how my shame of binge eating is always superseded by detailed planning to keep the person who takes my money for said-binge-food from knowing what i'm about to do.

Like ordering donuts at the drive-thru window at Krispy Kreme, and making sure to say "WE need 6 donuts..." and i always talk as if i'm ordering for a 2nd person...saying things like: "hmmmm, let's get 2 glazed, 2 chocolate, 1 cream-filled, and i think he'd like 1 lemon filled..."

Lie.

I guess that's what addicts do. OH, wow! Am i an addict? If you lie about your food, or sneak and hide it...doesn't that make you compulsive? And aren't those two primary factors IN an addiction?

Just more questions...

Along the way, to go with my studious plan for NOT looking like a binge-eater to the sales-clerk i do not know; i often think to myself; if THEY're a binge-eater, they'll recognize this behvaiour and know -- so i end up feeling ashamed anyway. One feeling feeds it's sickness into the next...

I think it's really just shame for shame's sake; because i'm ashamed of being a binger. It's mind boggling to me why we do things we feel so crappy about, why it's worth it to us -- when we know we hate feeling lousy, and yet we continue to put ourselves through it--mentally PUSH ourselves into it!-- in essense; making ourselves feel as shitty about ourselves as we can, just to have this "thing".

What's that about?

In any case; i reached my car, called Pizza Hut, ordered my pizza with Extra Sauce (coz the most important part), went to the Video store for new movies, then picked up the Pizza. Oh! One last thing; on my way out of the cereal/breakfast item's aisle at the store; i spotted some Little Debbie chocolate-swirl cakes. I hadn't had these in AGES! Of course; it didn't help that i was sick AND starving.

So, i bought a box. Ate one package while in the car. After picking up the pizza; i ate a slice while in the car. When i got home, i went thru the ritual of setting myself up for being permanently parked in front of the TV for the day; complete with phones, remotes, pillows, blankets, Pepsi and glass full of crushed ice, pizza and Lil Debbies. I ate the way i used to; alternating 1 slice of pizza with 1 twirly-cake. Sweet...salty...sweet...salty. Felt like old times... and not in a good, comforting way. In a destructive "how did i get back to HERE?" kind of way.

Although; i MUST say, in my own defense...it's not exactly like old times. In the old days, i'd eat the whole pizza in 2 hours, a whole box of Twinkies along with it, and a whole bottle of Pepsi. It'd all be gone LONG before midnight, and i usually hadn't sat down to start the devouring-process
til after 6:00 PM. So...things HAVE improved. Now i can't eat more than a little at a time...is that something to be proud of? I'm not sure...the behaviour that prefaces it is still the same, and that's not healthy, in and of itself.

So now...now, after all that, i'm in binge mode. I can't seem to shake it. Luckily, i haven't put on a ton of weight since eating almost that whole pizza on Monday. I ate half of it within 8 hours, which really isn't so bad. I had 2 pieces when home (after the 1 in the car), then would have a piece here and there, sporadically. I ended up giving the last 2-3 pieces to the dogs...because i was frankly tired of the taste; it wasn't 'good' anymore...

To add to the drama; all of this junk woke up my acid-reflux, which haunted me the rest of the day. Great. I hadn't had a bout of that in months. Oh well...consequences and all that jazz.

I didn't eat terribly yesterday; but didn't do great either. I ended up having a medium (which is really a large) chocolate milk-shake from Whataburger, coz my stomach was a little acidic and irritated. I had a tiny snack of crackers and cheese for a late aftn snack, then split a meal with Tom for dinner. I didn't feel like i'd over-eaten.

And today; i had eggs with 1 piece of cheese, a glass of milk, and 2 pop-tarts with butter. There it is...if the box is here, and nobody else is aware of it; i'll eat 'em. I made a pretty hefty sandwich for lunch, trying to internally justify this choice by all the lettuce i put on it. I did NOT, however, treat myself to another pop-tart, which was what i wanted to do. I think i need to throw the box out, or give it to my client. Hmmm...that's a good idea!

In any case; i was only up 1.4 lbs this AM for all of the shit i'd eaten. Because my body seems to be processing insulin better (correctly!), i don't seem to hang on to every morsel (water-weight not withstanding) i eat. Maybe, in time, i can just eat like a normal person and be fine.

Not that a large pizza, pop-tarts, and a box of Lil Debbies is considered normal...

is this temporary, or can i trust it?

I'm feeling quite 'in control' of late, and that's a strange thing...for me, anyway. :o)

And that doesn't necessarily mean i've been eating 100% correctly, as per the NDFH. Pretty far from it, actually. I've kinda been eating pretty much whatever i want, trying to choose somewhat-wisely most of the time -- but am finding i'm leaving almost (and sometimes more than!) half of whatever it is i'm eating on my plate (or feeding it to the dogs)... every meal. Even the things i have always finished in the past; i'm not finishing them now.

Is this what is meant by eating-til-satisfied?? I mean; i know that it is, but who'da thought it would be easy to do? What i'm finding is; i really hate that feeling of fullness lately, and on the few occasions when i HAVE eaten too much-- I make sure at the next meal that i don't.

And after having many things that are NOT on The NDFH over the last 3-4 days (chips and dip, sausage/egg/cheese biscuit, milkshake, french-fries, double cheeseburger...oh, and some salad!) -- i'm still below 175, which is kinda shocking to me. I would've thought all of those foods would've put water-weight on me in a millisecond. That's my MO, you see.

What's even more surprising is that i'm not bloated in the middle -- which is DEFINITELY my MO of late. The blouses and clothes that used to cling and aggravate me now lay loosely around my waist -- swinging nicely. I could definitely get used to this! :o)

Hmmmm...will have to continue testing this theory throughout the weekend...see if i can get BELOW 174 by Tue or Wed of next week...

more good news!

Down to 174.4...the lowest yet! :o) I've noticed a definite VERY noticeable trend when i'm working out VS not...even if it's just 1 day. Crazy! I would've thought it'd be more about the food; and not so much the exercise...and believe me; i'm being no-angel where it comes to the food. ;o)

Yippee! :o)

My lab results for my progress with the Syndrome W declared that i'm finally responding to my Fortamet! My insulin levels when last tested were extremely high; 24, when the desired number is 7 and below. I'm now at 11...so i'm much closer to where i wanna be...

This is excellent news, and gives me hope that i can ultimately lose weight at a normal pace. My thyroid is still unbalanced, as is my DHEA, so that will all be tested next week to see what kind of adjustments we need make.

I have hope! And will try to do/be better because of it...

Thur, March 25

Haven't weighed all week; dunno why. A part me of is scared the needle will be stuck; even tho i know every details as to why that would be. I guess i just don't wanna be discouraged. I'm working out this week, and taking my saunas (which are SUPPOSED to burn about 200-300 calories per 30 mins), but am certain i'm no lighter. I know it's the food. I don't seem to be taking it as seriously as i did in the beginning of The NDFH. Is there a part of me that wants to KEEP me at this weight/size...? That's so controlling and spiteful; it won't let me live in a thinner body?
What is that monster that i refuse to gain control over?

Back down to 175 this AM

...and feeling better!! My knee is still giving me grief because of the dancing over the weekend, but it's not as bad as it was, and i'm able to get around better, which is a plus.

A gal-pal from high-school --someone i hadn't seen since 1981!! -- came into town for the day yesterday, and we spent it walking along the beach with her daughter, reminiscing about our high-school youth. It was fun & amazing, but left me a little melancholy. It was SO great to catch up...but it made it all the more clear just how far i've gotten from my adolescence, the kind of life i lead back then, and my faith-based roots. Life sure seemed much more simple back then, that's for sure.

It's been a long time since i've thought about those times; when i was a young, exuberant, Bible-belted gal, singing praises for "the Lord" (jeez, even writing that feels weird!), chronically concerned about my 'witness' --or portrayal of my faith to the outside world. It was such a huge, important part of my identity growing up-- and i loved having that as a primary ingredient in what made me, ME. But that girl; the girl i was, and the people that were a part of her life, feel so alien to me now.

Growing up Southern Baptist in the South with an awesome youth group certainly had it's advantages, and probably kept me out of the path trouble more times then i could conceive of. I was a good kid...by all means; a GREAT kid. I didn't flirt with danger, i didn't miss curfew, i didn't go too far with boys, i didn't cuss, drink, or get invited to any of the places where such things happened. Everyone knew who i was; i was bonafide!

But that "Christian" life -- a life where one speaks constantly about God's goodness, biblical passages, and looks at the world & sees 'them' and 'us'...it's just not a life i could lead today. Nothing about it feels authentic or real to me anymore...and that's what makes me a little sad. I guess it's a loss of innocence, hmm?

I sometimes wonder if i would have lead a less tumultuous life if i didn't question things so much, and just accepted all path's as God's Will. But what IS that anyway ~ this"God's Will...?" Isn't it really just our own psyche trying to find answers to the unanswerable? Trying to justify choices we make, tragedies we survive, good fortune (or "blessings") we receive...isn't it just in our innate nature to twist the unexplained, bending it to our will -- morphing it into something that has definition...substance...answers...? Isn't all of it mostly and truly about comfort from that that which we fear..death and the unknown?

It's just not in me anymore, to look at coincidence and chance and see divine intervention...i don't look at the world and wonder of "Him" -- i see a cosmic happening that occured through eons of constantly evolving molecules & matter, bringing us, after hundreds of thousands of years, up to date. Not very faith-based, is it? Hmmm...

Dunno why i took off on that tangent. Seeing Cheryl just made me think about all that...and what made me sad was that i almost wish i could go back to the girl who never questioned what she'd been taught in church. I wish, on some level, i could have continued my life - oblivious to logic and science. I see many i grew up with (on Facebook) and they're leading what APPEARS to be satisfying, fulfilling lives centered around family and faith. That could've been me.

Hmmm....that could've been me...
It's so strange to think about...

Anyway -- back to the now; i worked out yesterday, via the walk on the beach, and also did a 20 min bike ride, managing to get over 11,000 steps for the day. I ate pretty well, and didn't go nuts while we were at the beach, opting for a blackened red-fish Po'boy (1/2 the roll) WITH tartar sauce, AND a real coke. ;o) And still; i was down to 175 toda! :o)

This is a little dangerous, i think, isn't it? I'm finding i can still lose weight while actually living by the 80/20 rule -- eat right/ do right 80% of the time, and indulge the other 20%. Is it possible to be healthy, and Syndrome W free--or more importantly DIABETES FREE -- living this way? I have a feeling i'm going to test these limits, just because i know i can.

Well, at least for now, i can. There may come a point, and probably will, where these indiscretions lead to plateaus and weight gains. Interesting how instead of doing the right thing and just halting all indulgences, i internally insist on flirting with that line in the sand. I guess i just don't know how (or more truthfully don't WANT TO) do it any other way...

What does that say about me?
Is there God's Will in any of that, ya figure? ;o)

Back on track ~ after an indulgence of donuts

So, i ended up at Krispy Kreme yesterday. Truthfully; i fully intended to make that run, from the beginning of the day. Heck! I think i planned on it from the night before! I was gonna go -- i wasn't trying real hard not to.

And not only did i not have to drive by it to get to where i was going (the storage unit nearby), i went out of my way to get there. I ordered my customary 6 donuts (2 glazed, 2 chocolate, 1 lemon filled, and one chocolate-iced cream filled) and went home. I fixed me a big glass of cold milk, planted myself in front of the TV and gobbled. And surprisingly; they did not live up to my expectations. Perhaps last week's donuts were fresher; i dunno -- but these just weren't very good. Certainly not good enough to merit going WAY off the wagon for.

This much i do know; i no longer crave them, and the negative reinforcement of being let down is at least a temporary fix. So...i finished out the day by having my mid aftn. snack, a NDFH dinner, and have just had my NDFH b'fast. It's rainy and icky out and i'm tempted to go back to sleep, but am trying to gear up for a 30-45 min bike ride instead. Might be a nice day to ride, then sauna for 30, shower....and THEN take a nap. The sauna always makes me sleepy...that's why i like to do it at night, before bed. And i don't have to work til 4:30...

I need to get taxes ready today, and fill out paper-work for our rebate on some appliances we bought for the kitchen remodel. I should also get the house more organized and livable, so i don't feel so discombobulated and out of sorts. That lends to eating badly for me...i can't wait for the kitchen to be done, so i can start really cooking again.

Anyway~ i'm back on track and looking forward to feeling physically better than i've been, consuming copious amounts of sugar and flour. Let's see if i can get myself back under 175

again. ;o)

BTW: i included this hideous picture of me, because i need to post all the unflattering pics of me i usually delete or make certain nobody ever sees. It's funny how my vanity has taken hold, with regard to our photo albums...i'm very hard pressed to find even one pic that isn't flattering of me, which is very, very telling. Coz i know it's not that i haven't had any taken; i simply discard them as soon as they're taken...

March 15 -- back up 4.8 lbs ~ DRATS!

But , that's not all together too surprising. Tom and i indulged for a friend's birthday this weekend. The wine and Crown & Cokes were flowing, and i ate without discretion yesterday, to quell the hang-over. Dumb. But, i think with some due-diligence and many steps, i can reign it in without it getting out of control. Not that none of that weight is actual 'fat', but i always retain a ton of fluid after a night of drinking, and the pizza that almost always follows. i suspect most of that weight is just that; water. If it's gone in 3-4 days -- i will have been right.

I have a goal to lose another 10 lbs in 2 months (that's 10 lbs from the 174.8 -- where i was a few days ago). I've lost 15 in about 70 days, so i THINK i can do 10 in 60. If i can manage 5 lbs a month...i'll be very, very happy. The nutritionist said that losing ANY weight at the 'intervention' stage of the illness (Syndrome W) is darn-near impossible. The "intervention' stage is the first 6 months, according to her. So, the fact that i've done well already leaves me hopeful. Andi did that, even with several days of non-diet behaviour. That leaves me more hopeful still!

However; at our friend's party (a 20-person limo-ride all over town, bar-hopping. It was a BLAST! and a much needed break from our kitchen remodel for Tom and me), i took pictures all night, and had some friends take pics with me in them -- and again; i'm shocked at the chubby, un-cute gal i see. It's amazing that i can FEEL so cute when i'm out (and i do, which is strange, right?) -- and yet when i see what i looked like while out and feeling so cute; i wonder -- what was i thinking?? How can i feel one way inside, and LOOK another on the outside? Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't my self-esteem been waning? Shouldn't i feel LESS cute when i'm clearly fat? What IS that?

OH, and btw: I'm craving donuts. I must be in some kind of spiral from all the sugar/starchy carbs eaten over the last several days. You know; eat sugar/ crave sugar...? I indulged at Krispy Kreme last week, after getting the good news of my weight loss. Can you believe that? I get great news about a significant weight loss...and how do i reward myself...? With a yummy, starchy, sweet treat. I just don't seem to know how to do it any other way.

Don't get me wrong; i know of all the other 'rewards' people are supposed to use -- mani/pedi's, a new dress, a massage, a new CD, a nice, long walk, etc -- that's all great; but none of those FEEL like a reward to this girl. I'm so rooted in food, i struggle with the concept of feeling truly rewarded with anything else. Why is that? And even tho i know i wanna break that pattern; something in me resists. Something in me still clings to that dysfunction...i want to be able to reward myself with food and have it be okay. Even tho i know it's destructive and dangerous...

am i crazy?

The house is in chaos because of the kitchen remodel...and THAT has me frazzled. My knee is aching because of some dancing i did on Sat night, and that has me frustrated. I'm supposed to see an orthopedist to consult about it...i'm ready for it to be healed and well. It's been 5 months, and that's long enough for me ot live with an injury...

I'm just feeling out of sorts. I need to regain the composure of my walks/bike rides/ and healthy eating. I need to conjure some fucking discipline. I need to act like a grown-up and do what's responsible for my health.

I'm headed out the door to drop off some stuff to our storage unit. It's right next to Krispy Kreme...should i leave that for another day? Just so i'm not so tempted? That'd be the smart thing to do.

But; i'm not always so smart...

bad couple'a days...*(found this draft from last week)

This week i got great news from my nutritionist; i'd lost significant weight and inches! So, i did well diet-wise for the remainder of that day so that my labs would be good the next morning -- then bought and ate 6 Krispy Kreme donuts. I'd actually been kinda planning that little bit of defiant food-binge. I felt appropriately icky and sick after, and had a NDFH dinner. OH! Except i had a coke (full sugar coke!) with it. Dumb!



BUT; today, after letting myself get too hungry because of missing lunch, i had a Filet O'fish meal form McD's -- with a chocolate shake and an apple pie! Geeze! Is this that ugly Saboteur that keeps me ill and fat? Do i know any other way to reward myself for doing well other than food? The thing is; i DO. I mean -- people will rattle off all the things i should do reward-wise (mani's/pedis, shopping for a new something, massage, new CD, etc) - and yes; those all sound good. But what REALLY excites me is a really yummy treat. Sorry; it's just the way it is.



How am i gonna change that?

Great report from the nutritionist!!

I received A+++'s from my nutritionist today! I had a a total of 9.6 lbs lost since my last visit & a couple of inches lost! Yea for ME! :o) Getting my labs done tomorrow to make sure my insulin levels are good. I'm very, very hopeful!


Weight: 174.8
Exercise; 25 min walk / 30 min bike ride
Steps: 11,860 (9410 aerobic)

174.8!!

This is the first time i've been below 175 in...i dunno; 2 years...? Something like that. Once the Syndrome "W" (which stands for 'waist', by the way -- and here's some interesting info on it: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-syndrome-w.htm) weight set in; it's been like concrete; fierce and steady and relentless. No matter what i did, i could NOT drop below 175. I'm encouraged this morning, as i venture off to the nutritionist to be weighed, that perhaps i'm finally on the right track.

I'm also thinking i'll put the P90X-idea on the back-burner for now. I'm rather enjoying my routine at present (walk for 30 mins with Addison, my dog -- stationary-bike for 30 mins while the sauna gets hot, then roast for 30 mins to wrap it all up!), and it appears to be yeilding me positive results; so why mess with progress? I'm officially down 15.2 lbs as of this morning.

If/when i get to 170 -- i'll rethink the P90x. That sounds reasonable, right? I mean; i'm not chicken-shitting out'; i promise! i'm just letting my body get stronger (and a little lighter) before i tackle something that sounds, to be honest, a bit overwhelming right now, with all it's plyometrics and such. The idea of bursts of jumping into the air at this weight, and with this knee, sounds scary to me. I have an appt with the doc tomorrow to check on my knee, which IS better (remember that diagnosis of Chondromalacia Patella?) -- as in; i can walk on it with very little discomfort/pain, but; it's STILL constantly swollen, and i still have to nurse it the first few steps every time i get out of a chair. I'm wondering if it needs draining...Guess the doc will tell me that tomorrow.

In any case; once i'm a little lighter for my injured knee; i'll tackle the P90x. Putting it off is the smarter thing to do at this stage, i believe. It's really not about me being a'skeered. Really!

Yeah; that's it.

Health Check Up

I go in tomorrow for my 3rd appt with my nutritionist since Jan 5th -- the official START date of my health-make-over. I'm doing okay with The NDFH, but pretty far from perfect. Last night i had a perfectly Somersized dinner (something i USED to follow) of salad, lean protein, steamed veggies, some fat, via dressing, followed by a piece of Vanilla Bean Cheese-cake. Definitely NOT on The NDFH. Actually --my meal wasn't followed by it. I ordered it delivered WITH my salad, as i always do--because; who wants to eat dessert when they're all full and can't enjoy it?? So, i ate about 1/3 of it then, and the rest...somewhere along the way. It was yummy and i thoroughly enjoyed it; but i've indulged in sweets too often lately. Almost every day i have something sweet. Not a ton of it; but something that could very well be throwing all of my other efforts off kilter.

I've been on a roll exercise-wise. Nothing crazy, and not every single day -- but 4-5 days a week. I'm trying to get in a 30 min walk at some point, then end my day with a 30 minute rigorous stationary-bike ride, followed by a 30 minute roast in the sauna. It's actually become a nice way to end the day. It's not like i look forward to it; don't get me wrong. But i don't hate it--and that's already HUGE for me. And plus; i have that nice n' relaxing bake in the hot-box to look forward to. Showering after, with the heavenly scent of lavender wafting about, and then crawling into bed -- totally spent, and all scrubbed and clean--makes falling asleep positively dreamy.

I'm a little concerned about tomorrow's weigh in, tho. I know i've lost weight since my last visit, but always have this irrational fear that i'll somehow retain tons of water right before (the NIGHT before!) such things ~ something not outside the realm of what my body often does ~ leading to extra lbs on the scale, and a very disappointed & embarrassed me. I'd be totally deflated if i wasn't down the 9 lbs MY scale says i am since my last weigh-in. BUT...no sense in jumping that gun. Right? I get my labs done again on Thur -- just to see if the Fortamet is working (my anti-diabetes medicine). i think i called it by the wrong name in another post. Oops! Sorry. In any case; the last time my blood was tested...it wasn't working. I'm hoping that by now, my cells are accepting the medication and opening their doors to all the circulating insulin floating around in my body - making me bloated, tired, and thick in the middle. I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed! Gotta try really hard to stay on track for the next several days; to get a good reading on the scale tomorrow, AND to get a good result from the lab on Thur.

I'm considering something that i feel might be too big for me; a purchase of the P90X series -- a very tough, hard-core DVD workout series to be done 6 days a week. I'm intimidated by that fact alone; 6 days every week of balls-to-the-wall workouts. But... I keep seeing the informercial for it -- over and over nad over again...taunting me.

i have friends using the program that are seeing amazing results. Granted; they're men--and don't have Syndrome W. But, there's something about that mental image; picturing myself seeing the changes in the mirror, in my clothes, that stays with me...haunting me. Just don't know if i'm up for it...and yet; i can't shake the desire to try. ...something in me wants to try.

Of course; there's that other side of me, the side that often wins in these battles-of-will, that argues i'll likely give it a good go for a week or so, then (like most other programs), become overwhelmed or bored and set it aside. This sucks...i feel that voice inside me wanting to grab this bull by the horns and say "I CAN!" -- and just go for it! I just haven't decided if i'm strong enough to listen to it or not...

Weight: didn't weigh

Exercise: 245 min walk/ 35 min bike

Steps; 12,440 step (10,113 aerobic)

Baxter

Our cat is missing...

Baxter started having seizures 2 weeks ago. He saw the vet, and we started giving him Phenobarbital, and he hasn't had another one since. He was given antibiotics to treat the parasitic-induced infection that may have caused the seizures. It's been a chore, and like something from the Three Stooges, watching Tom & me try to administer-said meds, but Tom managed to develop a method that did the trick. Wham, Bam -- and down the hatch!

I'd decided that while he was ill w/seizures -- i'd keep him indoors, possibly turn him into an inside-only cat. He's been an indoor/outdoor cat (complete with two cat-doors, for his convenience) since we took him in 5 years ago...So, he's been allowed the luxury of wandering about as he pleases.

The 10 days he was inside made both of us stir-crazy. Once he'd started feeling better, and was yearning for the sanctity of soft grass and trees with bark to sharpen his claw on; he displayed his restlessness and impatience by walking on every available surface in the house--mindless of the lamps, pictures, accessories that crashed to the floor. I feared for my lovely home, and since he was seizure free--granted him outdoor privileges. He almost always stayed on our driveway or back-deck anyway -- so i thought; where's the harm...?

Only now it's been almost 24 hours since we've seen him. For some reason; I don't suspect he's having more seizures, making him vulnerable to outside forces because of them (ie; other animals, cars, etc). I have other fears...

My REAL fear is that he was taken. Although we live in what's considered one of the nicer neighborhoods of our town; we have a house-full of unsavories living across the street. The house has been a constant source of resentment and anger for my husband, myself and our other neighbors. Vagrants, drug-addicts, & alcoholics now call this house "home" --shacking up with the elderly fella (also a drug-addict) that owns it. For 5 years we've watched every version of criminals, gangsters, and addicts meander in and out of that house. They don't seem to understand that they're in the wrong neighborhood. This is NOT the Barrio!! And it's mostly because of them that i fear the worse. I don't know why i feel they're involved somehow; but he didn't have his collar on yesterday (have to take it off to control him when medicating him), and strange people file in and out of that house, day and night, so someone could've easily snatched him, claiming they thought he was a stray. Baxter is the most personable cat i've ever seen...he was leery of no-one, and every human (and most dogs!) were his friend. It would be easy, i suppose, for an unsavory person to take our cat. And because of a recent case involving animal cruelty and dismemberment i read online; i have horrible, grotesque ideas drumming around in my head...

My gut instinct tells me there's something terribly wrong...Please, God; let me be wrong.
Baxter, please come home!

Tom and me, Dec 2009. I wore this dress to his company Christmas party thinking it was the perfect comfortable holiday dress, which it was...i just had no idea it completely exposed how heavy i was. So much for the theory of wearing things that don't cling, eah?

I told myself i'd never show this picture to anyone, even though Tom looks very handsome here -- because i was too embarrassed and ashamed of how I (!) looked...and we all know; it's all about me, right?

Despite having many pictures taken of me over the years; i'm still not used to seeing this chubby, cherub face...not used to seeing those thick calves, and definitely not used to knowing the world looks at me and sees "overweight, middle-aged woman"...

I'm still working on setting that ego aside, so posted this forbidden picture here...i can't deny it any longer.

This is who i am.

And this is what i look like.

Day 2 -- March 5, 2010

Weighed in this AM and am down to 175.4. Wow. How'd THAT happen? Guess those two saying's: eat until you are comfortable, not stuffed -- and "exercise is key!" -- guess they're true?? Since Paula is still visiting for another day or two -- i'm HOPING the scale will be kinder still by Mon. We'll see...

I'm contemplating starting the P90X workout. So many of my friends have tried or ARE trying it and are seeing remarkable results. The question is; will i truly commit to 6 days of hard-core workouts for 90 days? Just imagining that overwhelms me. But then i think; don't i want what i say i want? And isn't this a way to GET IT?

It's so hard to not get caught up in the euphoria of 'starting over', the idea of fresh starts, new beginnings, all that BS. How many times have i 'started over" -- "begun again" -- said; "this time it's for real!"...this blog is supposed to force that hand to some degree. I mean; if the whole world sees what my intentions are, and the winding path i take to get there, then i really have to be serious this time, right?

Well; that's the plan. I'm down 1.4 lbs today, so that's a start.

Will continue researching the P90X program, and decide how serious i am about that kind of effort. I mean; c'mon! Am i really THAT gal??

ps
ate subway for dinner last night coz we're in the midst of a total kitchen remodel. I have no kitchen to speak of, and am limited to our pop-up camper's 3 burner stove-top, which is a help, believe me! But i make our b'fasts and lunches in there every day. I don't often feel like making dinner in there as well...so, we've Subway'd it 3 x's this week...indulged in a bit of sweets, too -- like a ninny. I keep saying it's about Paula's visit, but is it really? Am i just a sugar-hound and can't stay away? My Syndrome W speaks volumes to that...i'm supposed to be listening. Oh, but it's so hard to say NO to my body when it screams Gimme!

Still learning that one...
Weight: 175.4
Exercise; none

I turned 45 this year. I never thought, at this age, i'd still be talking about this. Crimminy; my 50th birthday is leering at me from just around the corner. It seems Oprah-esque, in an unfocused, bleary kind of way, to still have this wrapped so tightly around my life. And a bit surreal to be committing myself to a solution...taking a defined path, a REAL path - a declaration of sorts...back to the me I still feel like, deep down inside. It's as if a part of me and my life has been hijacked, and i'm racing to its defense. HA! And in a public forum, no doubt. Have i gone nuts? Am i setting myself up for something much bigger than i can feasibly handle? Is this yet another mind-game i play against myself?

I was once a thin person. People would look at me and think "thin" -- and then one day...i wasn't. The truth is; i still FEEL like that thin-person, and am always a little shocked when i see my reflection, or a picture of that big-fat-cow that sort of resembles me. I understand all the reasons; the whys that created my thinness (youth, anorexia, exercise, anorexia) . And i'm more than aware of the reasons for why i am now NOT. It's written, in glaring, verbose, overwrought detail -- over and over and over again -- in hundreds of journal entries over the past 20 or so years. I get it; believe me. I recognize the battle i fight with myself. Two years of counseling eased most of that inner rage...

And though a part of me STILL wants to stand up in defiance; declaring war on my past (a trying childhood/adolescence, 2 bad marriages, a dysfunctional relationship with mom, estrangement from dad...blah, blah, blah) and draw swords on the secrets of my life that have infected so many facets of this "life-journey" (oh, how cliche' that sounds) -- i now roll my eyes, vocally scoffing at all of those reasons...those excuses.

From where i now sit; it all reads a like a cauldron full of bullshit-soup, and further begs the question; am i just full of it? Does all my self-educated-self-proclaimed-"knowledge" -- because i read nutrition books by the dozen, mind you, and work in the health-field -- does it all amount to a huge pile of donkey-dung? I mean; if i know so much about how to be healthy & fit, then why aren't i?

The most maddening part is that for the past several years (and most of my life) -- i've LIVED like a healthy person, doing Pilate's 3x's a week, playing tennis, completing 10,000 steps per day 3-5x's per week, & eating healthfully (no processed foods in THIS house!). I dedicated years to stair-climbing, many more to my Precor, and have danced competitively on a dance-team (clogging anyone?). I've devoted hours to countless reps of weight-training... hell; my WORK is physically taxing in such a way, few people i know could maintain the work schedule i keep!

And how did my body repay me for all of the above? How did it say; "thank you for taking such wonderful care of me!"? Why, it invited (in total) 15-20 extra lbs on board in a single year, that's how. And nope; before you think it -- none of it was muscle. It was squishy, wiggly, dimply, and infuriating. I'd developed a roll of fat -- what looked like a 2nd helping of boobies -- firmly planted, like a row of corn, just under my bosoms. My entire trunk had thickened like a Giant Oak. Oh, the misery...

In 2009 i started having other symptoms. Well, i'd had symptoms for several years (extreme fatigue, brain-fog, lousy sleep at night coupled with exhaustion all day long, changes in my skin and hair and eyesight) but i finally was ready to bypass my help-LESS primary-care-phys. and go somewhere else. That kinda opened the door to all that followed...I had so many doctor's appts that year, endured so many different kinds of tests, we met our deductible in a jiffy! That was the upside...Oh, and Dr. Woodson. He was an upside, too!

Dr. Woodson, an OBG who specializes in bio-identical HRT, was a God-send. With 2 blood panels taken over 3 months, he diagnosed me with Hypothyroidism, Syndrome W (a metabolic disorder -- hyperinsulinism, and common, usually undiagnosed, for menopausal women), & a practically bottomed out DHEA reading. I was further plagued with irregular heartbeat scares, chronic sinus infections, an elevated reaction to 'unavoidable air-bourn allergens', chonodromalacia patella, and acid reflux disease.

I was unhealthy; chronically sick, and gaining weight by the minute. I say it again; Crimminy! And for the first time, my body FELT unhealthy. It wasn't just fat; it was ill -- turning on me -- rejecting every good thing i tried to provide for it.

But let's be honest here; did i live like a food Nazi? Hell no! Did i proclaim myself the food-police, monitoring every morsel that entered my mouth? Of course not...and, let me tell ya; there were several weekends of over-indulgence; beer or wine, followed by late-night-Whataburger runs, and Pizza Hut or Domino's the next day.

For all the non-processed foods that never enter our kitchen; when we're good n' hung over (i say "we", coz that means Tom and me, Tom's my wonderful husband.) -- nothing hits the spot better than grease, starchy carbs, and a creamy milkshake. Could these random sporadic weekend-binges (and that they truly were; they don't happen that often!) be the root of all evil? Are THOSE choices to blame for my state of un-health? Could it really be as simple as "you are what you eat" -- and i'm really just a late-night "Double-meat-double-cheese, onion-rings instead of fries, and a chocolate shake for the drink" -- ?

Hmmmm...good question.

I dubbed 2009 my Year of Discovery. 2010 marks my Year of Repair...

I take medication and see a nutritionist for the Syndrome W diet (nicknamed The Nazi Diet From Hades...or NDFH), and am doing okay with this 'way of eating'...i get a little bored at times, but enjoy, for the most part, the kinds of food i can have. I started a Pedometer Step-Club on Facebook between me and several gal-pals...each competing to see 1st) who can reach 10,000 first, and 2nd) who garners the most steps in a day. I DO believe i've created a monster here, tho. Some of these ladies are steppin' ma-SHEENS!! I do well to keep up, much less win a day. It motivates me, nonetheless -- and that's what the game is about. Mr. Ego; take a back seat, please.

Because of my Chondromalacia Patella (simpler terms; mal-tracking patella + arthritis = bad ju-ju), i try to do less weight-bearing cardio and have taken up biking. Not hard-core spinning, but i purchased an upright stationary bike i like to hop on for about 30-45 mins before taking a 30 minute sauna (Far Infrared Sauna's are da-bomb! AND inexpensive!!). I feel like i'm doing so many of the right things...and again; for all my effort, since day 1 of The NDFH (Jan 5th), i've lost only 13 lbs.

I guess more honesty is due here; i've cheated. Lots. Not every day...not every week even! But there are days when the drive for sweet starchy carbs (or a good ol' fashioned milkshake) are just too much to deny. Had a bout last week -- Krispy Kreme to the rescue. Come to find out it was 1 week before Paula arrived -- my monthly visitor that now comes only sporadically -- being 45 and all -- so that was kind of a relief...to know it wasn't just a mental absence of will. To know it was driven by a hormonal shift that was louder than any other inner-voice at that moment. Dunno why that makes me feel better, but it does.

Still tho; perhaps i'd be further along if i had more will-power...i dunno. I constantly battle against wanting to do what i know is right... and not wanting to be on constant food-patrol. Obsessing over everything i can or cannot eat is no way to live, in my eyes...it reminds me too much of when i obsessed over what NOT to eat -- all the time. Once an anorexic, that voice is hard to quell. I bounced nice n' hard into compulsive over-eating during my first and second marriage (unhappiness ='s 60 lbs in my life) -- but i'm not unhappy anymore. I have a great life with a great fella and a great job. Except for my health/weight issues; life couldn't be better!

So...why the struggle? The diagnosis of Syndrome W is part of it--and will make this journey harder than i ever imagined it could be. According to my nutritionist, a small, spindly looking woman i suspect is herself an anorexic -- most women with this illness don't make it out. They find the journey too hard, and resign themselves to being "apples" and ultimately becoming diabetic. I'm fighting against that...that's my battle -- to NOT become a diabetic.

I'm striving for balance. Balance with food, balance with my health, balance in my relationships...just balance.

This is day 1 of this declaration. I feel silly saying this aloud, because what if i fail? What if i stay where i am and nothing changes...again?

But then again...what if it DOES? And i'm able to -- finally -- reclaim who i know i am? And i look to the world exactly as i look in my mind...thin, fit, and healthy. What happens then? Does that = bliss? It sure sounds like it, but again...i dunno.

I don't know if anyone will ever bother to read this. I'm trying not to care about that. My ego can whisper sweet-nothings of negativity into my ear whenever it comes to putting myself out there...i'm choosing to set that aside. For now, anyway. ;o)

Weight this morning: 177.5
Exercise: 30 mins walk + 30 min bike = 12, 122 steps