I know...but i've been traveling and busy, and frankly; have forgotten about this site. ha! Besides...i have no viewers or followers, so what's the big deal? ;o) It's only me...writing for me! And i guess that's okay...
Tom and i took our trip to Pensacola a couple of weeks ago. This is how it went...
Two days before we were driving to Pensacola, the news declared that the oil-leak in the gulf (a disaster that happened over 2 months before) had brought oil sludge to Pensacola beaches. This happened on Wed...we were leaving for the beach on Fri. Nice.
On our drive down (over, across...whatever) -- Tom was extremely tired and didn't look well. Turns out, he had a fever. We ended up stopping in Louisiana for the night so he could sleep...
We got there the next day, MUCH later than i intended and it totally screwed with my time-table, but...
We got to the condo only to discover ~ it was on the 3rd floor, and the elevator was out of commission. Not only was the condo up 3 flights, but INSIDE the condo there were stairs to everywhere you needed/wanted to go; my room, the kitchen, etc. By the end of us getting our gear into the condo, and hauling groceries up the stairs...my knee was aching and swollen.
Double nice.
My friend Carol arrived a few hours later. Tom took a nap and i went to dinner with them, then came home to go to bed. We were all tired. By the next morning. I (!) had a fever, and felt like shit. I downed a dose of Dayquill i'd bought for Tom and prepared for the day. We were having our MHS Mini-Reunion that aftn, so i had to get my shit in gear and make a ton of lumpia (as i'd promised everyone), and get all the drinks, etc out to the pavilions across the street. We didn't have as many people show as they SAID would, but we had a nice turn out over-all...about 30 or so people! It was fun, and i drank way too much before the day was through. We went to bed late, and i have no memory of it...
The next morning -- more fever, more Dayquil to get thru my day, and to add insult to injury; it started raining...and wouldn't stop until the day we left the beach. Triple nice! :o) We ended up going to the movies and to dinner, and that did it for that day. I was tired and felt sickly anyway, so it was okay.
Because of the oil; the Gulf side of the beach was off-limits...NO swimming allowed. We felt we'd be safe on the sound-side, which is my preference anyway, but because of the rain and stormy weather...even THAT didn't look inviting. Eventually; by the end of the day - we ventured into the sound for an hour or two, and that was nice, but not exactly "beach weather". I made chili for dinner that night, i think -- and we met some friends at an out-door concert (that was nice!), then over to The Sandshaker for karaoke night. Again; i drank too much, and some drama with a girlfriend ensued between her beau and her, via her cell phone...AFTER he had the bar-waitress track her down, coz he couldn't reach her. (Talk about control issues!) I don't remember the end fo that night either. i wasn't really eating enough, combined with feeling sick and too much booze. Oh well...what i remember was fun! :o) I sang Blue and rocked the house...long, exuberant applause, which was nice!
We went canoing the next day...in the rain...at a place i used to frequent as a kid. It just wasn't as i'd remembered it, but i guess -- what is, at this stage? Nothing about it felt or looked the same...i was kinda bummed by that. The constant over-cast skies and rain didn't help tho. Felt like a whole other world. Went to dinner with my friend Pam and her husband and daughter. It was a lovely meal, but my GOD! That girl talked and talked and talked and talked...she never quit! By the time the evening was up; i was exhausted from straining to listen. What does it mean when you see a person you USED to be quite close to, and haven't seen them in a long time, and when you DO; all they do is talk about themselves...NEVER asking about YOUR life, or what's going on with YOU? Is it narcissism or insecurity...i can't decide. But it was trying enough to make me question whether i'd try to see her again when next in town. Tom and i were both worn out by the end of the night...plum tuckered out. :o/
We tried to get in more beach time on Thur, but...it was raining. I went to the sound anyway, and eventually Tom found his way in too. We floated around It was nice...only when we got out, Tom had what looked like a big glop of sand attached to his knee. When he wiped it away, it smudged...because it WASN'T mud...it was oil. Damned stuff had made it's way around the Pass and was now in The Sound. Shit. That night, we met up with my friends Joy Wanda at a bar (that played lousy music), and got home kinda early -- before midnight.
The next morning -- we drove for hours (it seemed) to find a place to have b'fast (and when we did, it wasn't so good). I ended up meeting my friend Wanda at her condo (they own one, down the way, further away from The Pass) and our friend Janet from hi-school came over and we floated and talked for several hours. This was one of the nicest things i'd done on vacation...really enjoyed that! That aftn; we decided to cook hamburgers on the beach (at the pavilions we'd had out mini-reunion at) and my mom came out (finally; had been trying to get her out all week!), and Wanda and Janet came by. We took some pics, did more visiting, and had a nice meal. The evening was filled with packing and trying to prepare for a long, long drive home...which we started at around 8 AM the following day.
The whole week went by without much fan-fare and not much 'beach' time -- which was a huge bummer. i didn't get in any of the walking i wanted to do; couldn't walk on the beach, and it took DAYS for my knee to feel better, not to mention my cold/fever.
I didn't maintain my 'diet' per say, but didn't do too badly, considering the alcohol consumed. I gained 3 lbs, but took it off pretty quickly after getting home... am at 171 right now, and had finally broken through that 170 ceiling before leaving town. Haven't gotten back down to 169 yet, but think i can by the end of the week.
I started Zumba classes this week (a Latin dancy-aerobic class) and am trying to get in my 9-10 miles for my virtual walk. We leave for our road trip next Fri, so i wanna gain some ground before leaving...
Anyway; my client's here.
Will check in later in the week...when i've hopefully broken back thru 170 and am firmly at 169, or heck! 168 wouldn't be so bad either! :o)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
doing okay
I was in St. Louis last weekend and a little freaked because i found out my mother would be unexpectedly arriving. I always have to be majorly prepared for any time with her; her constant criticism and comments effect me in ways i've, as of yet, been unable to squelch. i worry constantly about what i'm wearing, how i look in it, does my face look fat, are there any rolls in my mid-section, are these pants flattering..? I catch her giving me the once over and feel naked...
i know we all have parent-issues, and i'm not saying mine are any worse than anybody elses; but the vulnerable side of me doesn't understand why she can't find a better, more constructive way to show her love for her daughters. It's as if she believes the only way to convey such feelings is through showing us our faults and telling us how to better ourselves in HER eyes.
I've endured this torment, every time i see her, for almost 20 years now. You'd think i would've built up a tougher skin to it...but no; not so. My older sister Sandra doesn't understand why i don't just let make like a duck with mom when she goes on and on....let the comments roll off my back. I just can't, and i can't explain why. It makes me feel shitty -- and even more; makes me not want to be anywhere near her.
i knew i'd be seeing her when we spend a week in Pensacola coming up here soon (next weekend), and was sorta prepared for that (coz we wouldn't be seeing her TOO, too much) -- but wasn't prepared for hits impromptu visit. I wasn't feeling 'thin' enough, as stupid and pathetic as that sounds. lol!
I got thru it with the help of of Mr. Pino (Grigio), and though i caughter her giving my figure the 'eye' -- i managed to escape without scars this time. Whew! Possibly only because it was a 3 hour visit. lol! I left first thing in the AM...which was a HUGE blessing!
Anyway; as i'd mentioned earlier, my dog SAntini passed away while was gone. It breaks my heart, but i'm also grateful i was spared the image of his lifeless body on our cold terrazzo floor. He was the best of dogs, and i loved him completely--but he'd been old and frail for a few years now, and i knew the time was coming. Every morning he awoke surprised me, to be frank...so having him with us for as long as we did was a true blessing.
Rest in peace, sweet Santini! I'll remember you always...
As for my body/weight during all this~ remarkably, i had gained no weight while away. Well, .6 lbs (half a lb?), but that was all water, i'm sure. I was SO bloated and swollen upon my return, I had cankles!
The problem is; i can't seem to get back into the swing of things...i'm not getting hungry within 2-3 hours, which tells me that my body is NOT in fat-burning mode. It's telling me i'm in 'storing' mode...and also; i can't seem to get us back on track with the 21 day "plan" we were supposed to be doing all this time. And Tom's lost some momentum, too -- we both have.
I'm still exercising; i walked for a long hour while in St. Louis along this wonderful trail with Linda and her husband and son, and i did my 10 miles yesterday (walking & biking) but did nothing on Mon. Our Virtual-Walk the length of Florida has me motivated exercise wise, but i'm not being very diligent with my food. I'm just tired of always having to think about it...i wish i could just BE sometimes...without the burden or worry of always thinking about food, my weight, exercise, and what i look like.
I'm not feeling depressed, but i'm tired of this fight. It's so silly to say that, because people are so much worse off than me in so many aspects of this 'fight' -- and i know, intellectually, that this 'fight' is a life-long one, if i'm to avoid diabetes. But i still can't get a fire in my belly about it for much longer than a couple of weeks...
Every time i start a new program, or have a new vision of health/fitness...i feel amazing; for about 2 weeks. Then life and all of it's trials set in and distract me. Will i weight 171 forever? Is this my full-time weight now?
If so; that would totally suck.
i know we all have parent-issues, and i'm not saying mine are any worse than anybody elses; but the vulnerable side of me doesn't understand why she can't find a better, more constructive way to show her love for her daughters. It's as if she believes the only way to convey such feelings is through showing us our faults and telling us how to better ourselves in HER eyes.
I've endured this torment, every time i see her, for almost 20 years now. You'd think i would've built up a tougher skin to it...but no; not so. My older sister Sandra doesn't understand why i don't just let make like a duck with mom when she goes on and on....let the comments roll off my back. I just can't, and i can't explain why. It makes me feel shitty -- and even more; makes me not want to be anywhere near her.
i knew i'd be seeing her when we spend a week in Pensacola coming up here soon (next weekend), and was sorta prepared for that (coz we wouldn't be seeing her TOO, too much) -- but wasn't prepared for hits impromptu visit. I wasn't feeling 'thin' enough, as stupid and pathetic as that sounds. lol!
I got thru it with the help of of Mr. Pino (Grigio), and though i caughter her giving my figure the 'eye' -- i managed to escape without scars this time. Whew! Possibly only because it was a 3 hour visit. lol! I left first thing in the AM...which was a HUGE blessing!
Anyway; as i'd mentioned earlier, my dog SAntini passed away while was gone. It breaks my heart, but i'm also grateful i was spared the image of his lifeless body on our cold terrazzo floor. He was the best of dogs, and i loved him completely--but he'd been old and frail for a few years now, and i knew the time was coming. Every morning he awoke surprised me, to be frank...so having him with us for as long as we did was a true blessing.
Rest in peace, sweet Santini! I'll remember you always...
As for my body/weight during all this~ remarkably, i had gained no weight while away. Well, .6 lbs (half a lb?), but that was all water, i'm sure. I was SO bloated and swollen upon my return, I had cankles!
The problem is; i can't seem to get back into the swing of things...i'm not getting hungry within 2-3 hours, which tells me that my body is NOT in fat-burning mode. It's telling me i'm in 'storing' mode...and also; i can't seem to get us back on track with the 21 day "plan" we were supposed to be doing all this time. And Tom's lost some momentum, too -- we both have.
I'm still exercising; i walked for a long hour while in St. Louis along this wonderful trail with Linda and her husband and son, and i did my 10 miles yesterday (walking & biking) but did nothing on Mon. Our Virtual-Walk the length of Florida has me motivated exercise wise, but i'm not being very diligent with my food. I'm just tired of always having to think about it...i wish i could just BE sometimes...without the burden or worry of always thinking about food, my weight, exercise, and what i look like.
I'm not feeling depressed, but i'm tired of this fight. It's so silly to say that, because people are so much worse off than me in so many aspects of this 'fight' -- and i know, intellectually, that this 'fight' is a life-long one, if i'm to avoid diabetes. But i still can't get a fire in my belly about it for much longer than a couple of weeks...
Every time i start a new program, or have a new vision of health/fitness...i feel amazing; for about 2 weeks. Then life and all of it's trials set in and distract me. Will i weight 171 forever? Is this my full-time weight now?
If so; that would totally suck.
Monday, June 14, 2010
My dog died
while i was in St. Louis this weekend visiting my sister and her family...this is the eulogy i posted on FB...
Our Beloved Santini, at the age of 13, passed away on June 11, this past weekend, while i was away. I had his sweet spirit in my life for over 10 years...graced with his unique personality after finding him wandering the Austin interstate. Full of mange, intestinal and heart-worms, sick with an ear-infection, and fleas the size of raisins (darn near!), with a fresh dog-bite on his forehead -- he came into my life and saved me TWICE from burglary. I'll forever miss his sweet face, his bark that made me giggle, and his funky fur that was never soft! We'll love and miss you always, Santini...Rest In peace, sweet Boy. :o)
Don't feel like writing...will blog tomorrow.
Our Beloved Santini, at the age of 13, passed away on June 11, this past weekend, while i was away. I had his sweet spirit in my life for over 10 years...graced with his unique personality after finding him wandering the Austin interstate. Full of mange, intestinal and heart-worms, sick with an ear-infection, and fleas the size of raisins (darn near!), with a fresh dog-bite on his forehead -- he came into my life and saved me TWICE from burglary. I'll forever miss his sweet face, his bark that made me giggle, and his funky fur that was never soft! We'll love and miss you always, Santini...Rest In peace, sweet Boy. :o)
Don't feel like writing...will blog tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
not doing so well...seem to lost steam
Didn't weigh in today, or yesterday, coz i fear the scale is up. I feel bloated and awful. My allergies are ridiculous...it feels like my entire body is inflamed and full of fluid. We partied like rock stars on Sat night, but i didn't eat crazily, nor did i drink as much as i'm capable.
We've just lost track on our 21 day program and can't seem to get back on board! And i just found out i'll be seeing my mother next weekend -- about 2-3 weeks sooner than i had planned, and THAT stresses me out. All she's gonna do is criticize me constantly, and tell me what i should be eating/not eating, how i should be exercising -- and i'm already annoyed by it! I live a healthier life-style than any of us in our family, and she'll be relentless and critical the entire time...
She wasn't supposed to be going on this trip, but my older sister told me today that she's going, and bringing my mom. Gee, thanks. Now a trip i was looking forward to is completely stressing me out.
BUT; our kitchen is in the home-stretch and i'm able to cook in it again. I'm not set up with dishes/ pots & pants/ utensils, etc -- but will be soon! I made us Bison burgers last night and it was awesome cooking while seeing/hearing the TV! It's so beautiful, too -- i'll post pics when i have it all set, the way i want it.
k, Tom has talked me OUT of exercising tonight - we're gonna watch a movie instead. i'm gonna shower, make dinner (Taco Salad) and settle in for an early night. I was up at 2:30 for 2 hours with a sneezing/allergy fit that had me exhausted all day. Hmmm...actually; a night of relaxing sounds pretty good. I don't think i have the energy for a long work out -- and i'd have to do 45 mins of biking and 30 mins of walking or elliptical training to get my 10 miles in.
Tomorrow's another day...
We've just lost track on our 21 day program and can't seem to get back on board! And i just found out i'll be seeing my mother next weekend -- about 2-3 weeks sooner than i had planned, and THAT stresses me out. All she's gonna do is criticize me constantly, and tell me what i should be eating/not eating, how i should be exercising -- and i'm already annoyed by it! I live a healthier life-style than any of us in our family, and she'll be relentless and critical the entire time...
She wasn't supposed to be going on this trip, but my older sister told me today that she's going, and bringing my mom. Gee, thanks. Now a trip i was looking forward to is completely stressing me out.
BUT; our kitchen is in the home-stretch and i'm able to cook in it again. I'm not set up with dishes/ pots & pants/ utensils, etc -- but will be soon! I made us Bison burgers last night and it was awesome cooking while seeing/hearing the TV! It's so beautiful, too -- i'll post pics when i have it all set, the way i want it.
k, Tom has talked me OUT of exercising tonight - we're gonna watch a movie instead. i'm gonna shower, make dinner (Taco Salad) and settle in for an early night. I was up at 2:30 for 2 hours with a sneezing/allergy fit that had me exhausted all day. Hmmm...actually; a night of relaxing sounds pretty good. I don't think i have the energy for a long work out -- and i'd have to do 45 mins of biking and 30 mins of walking or elliptical training to get my 10 miles in.
Tomorrow's another day...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Back on track -- but...
still feeling icky from the indulgences of the weekend/early part of the week. I'm not gonna weigh myself tho...lest i become discouraged.
i decided to deem the last 5-6 days Fat-Lovers-FREE, and make yesterday our continuation of the 21 day plan...ie; Tom and i did Saturday thru Fri of last week (7 days) -- so yesterday would've been day 8. Maybe this way we can make sure we do all that's required of the plan...coz i still need to buy some items he wanted us ot have for the 2nd week (vitamins, supplements).
Wanna do it right...
I started a new challenge on Facebook for my pedometer club members. Did i tell you? We're doing a virtual-walk-across-the-states (starting with Florida; Key West to Pensacola-- 847 miles total) -- and i did 9.6 miles yesterday -- i was trying to get 10 in.
I really made me tired, tho. I walked for 30 minutes, biked for another 35, and was just busy puttering around all day and got 18,000 or so steps (i need 19,000 to garner 10 miles) -- and by the end of the aftn, i was ca put! I was gonna try to do another 10 miles today, but it sounds so daunting at this second...
Maybe i'll feel more rested as the day goes on...i'm trying to do 50 miles a week...so that i'm done with this jaunt before the end of summer -- and, who are we kidding here...? I'd like to WIN! To get there first! :o) And i feel this goal will keep me movitaved and moving...and not brushing it off if i know the other pedomter-step-monsters are getting huge numbers, which they tend to do.
Anyway -- just checking in and saying that i'm glad to be back on track. I so wanted to be about 15 lbs lighter by the time we left for vacation...don't think that'll happen now. :o( Oh well...
i decided to deem the last 5-6 days Fat-Lovers-FREE, and make yesterday our continuation of the 21 day plan...ie; Tom and i did Saturday thru Fri of last week (7 days) -- so yesterday would've been day 8. Maybe this way we can make sure we do all that's required of the plan...coz i still need to buy some items he wanted us ot have for the 2nd week (vitamins, supplements).
Wanna do it right...
I started a new challenge on Facebook for my pedometer club members. Did i tell you? We're doing a virtual-walk-across-the-states (starting with Florida; Key West to Pensacola-- 847 miles total) -- and i did 9.6 miles yesterday -- i was trying to get 10 in.
I really made me tired, tho. I walked for 30 minutes, biked for another 35, and was just busy puttering around all day and got 18,000 or so steps (i need 19,000 to garner 10 miles) -- and by the end of the aftn, i was ca put! I was gonna try to do another 10 miles today, but it sounds so daunting at this second...
Maybe i'll feel more rested as the day goes on...i'm trying to do 50 miles a week...so that i'm done with this jaunt before the end of summer -- and, who are we kidding here...? I'd like to WIN! To get there first! :o) And i feel this goal will keep me movitaved and moving...and not brushing it off if i know the other pedomter-step-monsters are getting huge numbers, which they tend to do.
Anyway -- just checking in and saying that i'm glad to be back on track. I so wanted to be about 15 lbs lighter by the time we left for vacation...don't think that'll happen now. :o( Oh well...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Have had a bad couple of days...
I ended up at Wal-Mart getting a gift for somebody, and walked by the bakery section. What was there...staring me right in the face?? A smallish coconut cake. What'd i do --when faced with this temptation? Why, i bought it of course!
i'm so weak. It's pathetic.
But listen to this; i ate 2 or so pieces throughout the night, then covered it back up and set it in the trash can. The next day -- since it hadn't been 'touched' by trash...i got it back out and finished it. Not all in one sitting, but before the night was through, that's for sure!
THEN, i did well yesterday...planning to get back on track. i worked out (walked, biked -- got 8.3 miles towards our "virtual" walk across Florida) and ate well, and today...when faced with my last day before Tom comes home -- what'd i choose to do? Because i won't have 'privacy', and can't eat in secret once Tom's home -- so, because time is almost out, I ordered a pizza...and the clincher; it didn't even taste good!! What a waste of energy, time, $$, and calories!! I'm gonna take some Metamucil and see if i can move it thru quicker...
I went to lunch with my friend Dez, and i had a healthy fat-loss plate, but then we split a dessert, after i'd already had my 'fast carb' of potatoes. I ate my mid-aftn snack (protein bar), then came home and ordered my stupid pizza.
My stomach has been squirrely ever since. I didn't work out...was on the verge of diarrhea all night long, and just didn't have it in me to work hard while my stomach was so queasy.
BUT: i have plans to rise early...walk Addison for 30 mins, and immediately come home and get on my bike for 20-30 mins...then do another 20 mins or so tomorrow night -- and then sauna. I'm behind with the whole program and need to get back on board. Exercise isn't such a huge part of it at this stage, but i'm hoping if i work out a lot; i can neutralize the damage caused by the cake and pizza.
What do you think? Am i only dreaming?
And who eats out of a trash can?? What the fuck is that about?? Does that say something about self-worth? Or was it more about that was just where the cake happened to be?
Clearly; that's an emotional issue...not a food one. It's not like i'm a starving person who has no food, except for what's in the trash. It was more like a ghostly pied-piper, made up of white flour and sugar...sitting in that can, calling to me..."i'm still clean...come eat me! I'll be gone soon, and you'll regret it if you don't!" -- dumb.
k, it's late and i'm pooped.
Am determined to have a better food/exercise day tomorrow!
It all starts with a plan...just got STICK WITH IT!!
Tom returns tomorrow night, and not a day too soon. Clearly; i'm not ready to be alone, or strong enough not to resort to old, dysfunctional behavior.
I weighed 174 this AM...3 lbs up.
Shit.
i'm so weak. It's pathetic.
But listen to this; i ate 2 or so pieces throughout the night, then covered it back up and set it in the trash can. The next day -- since it hadn't been 'touched' by trash...i got it back out and finished it. Not all in one sitting, but before the night was through, that's for sure!
THEN, i did well yesterday...planning to get back on track. i worked out (walked, biked -- got 8.3 miles towards our "virtual" walk across Florida) and ate well, and today...when faced with my last day before Tom comes home -- what'd i choose to do? Because i won't have 'privacy', and can't eat in secret once Tom's home -- so, because time is almost out, I ordered a pizza...and the clincher; it didn't even taste good!! What a waste of energy, time, $$, and calories!! I'm gonna take some Metamucil and see if i can move it thru quicker...
I went to lunch with my friend Dez, and i had a healthy fat-loss plate, but then we split a dessert, after i'd already had my 'fast carb' of potatoes. I ate my mid-aftn snack (protein bar), then came home and ordered my stupid pizza.
My stomach has been squirrely ever since. I didn't work out...was on the verge of diarrhea all night long, and just didn't have it in me to work hard while my stomach was so queasy.
BUT: i have plans to rise early...walk Addison for 30 mins, and immediately come home and get on my bike for 20-30 mins...then do another 20 mins or so tomorrow night -- and then sauna. I'm behind with the whole program and need to get back on board. Exercise isn't such a huge part of it at this stage, but i'm hoping if i work out a lot; i can neutralize the damage caused by the cake and pizza.
What do you think? Am i only dreaming?
And who eats out of a trash can?? What the fuck is that about?? Does that say something about self-worth? Or was it more about that was just where the cake happened to be?
Clearly; that's an emotional issue...not a food one. It's not like i'm a starving person who has no food, except for what's in the trash. It was more like a ghostly pied-piper, made up of white flour and sugar...sitting in that can, calling to me..."i'm still clean...come eat me! I'll be gone soon, and you'll regret it if you don't!" -- dumb.
k, it's late and i'm pooped.
Am determined to have a better food/exercise day tomorrow!
It all starts with a plan...just got STICK WITH IT!!
Tom returns tomorrow night, and not a day too soon. Clearly; i'm not ready to be alone, or strong enough not to resort to old, dysfunctional behavior.
I weighed 174 this AM...3 lbs up.
Shit.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Didn't FULLY go-off track, only a little
...but did NOT buy the coconut cake i SO wanted to buy yesterday. :o/
I was actually driving in that direction when i decided to be good to myself and NOT do what my old-patterns would have me do. Instead; i went to HEB and bought some food for the next 5-6 days that are Food Lover's Friendly, rented a couple of movies, and enjoyed an evening on the sofa...
My house is super-clean, the pool is sparkling, and i'm enjoying this time alone. I figured out a way to wedge something under the bedroom door, too -- so i'm not constantly awakened by strange house-sounds and freaked out. This way; nobody can get in. Not without making a lot of noise; and if that happens...Mr. 38 Special will be ready & waiting. :o)
I DID indulge a little bit, tho -- i bought a cheese log and had about 1/2 of it on whole grain crackers. I'm only supposed to have about 4-5 crackers, and i had easily double that-- and more cheese than i needed. And a little later, i had 2 of the Organic toaster-pastries we're allowed (they're actually ON the approved-snack-list), with a little butter on them. It was all yummy, but i was uncomfortably full and looked forward to getting back on track today.
I DID weigh myself just to see if i caused much damage and was up less than a lb, but still up. I think if i do well today, and exercise, i'll be fine. A girlfriend invited me out for drinks/dinner tonight tho -- so i'm not sure how to handle that.
I would LIKE to have a drink, but dunno if it'd be worth it. Two nights off the wagon may be too much; especially if this 'night out' isn't worth it on the fun-o-meter. Meaning; if it were to lead to a fun night of singing/dancing, etc -- it'd be totally worth it! But if it's just food and drinks...nah. Not so much. Know what i mean?
Anyway ~ i'm gonna walk the dogs now, then come home and shower, see a movie, do a little shopping, then come home and float in the pool for a bit before getting my toes done. Then i'm off to meet my girlfriend for drinks/dinner. I LOVE Sat's like this...and as much as i enjoy Tom's company; i'm loving having this time to do as i please...with no one to consider by myself...
Does that make me selfish??
I was actually driving in that direction when i decided to be good to myself and NOT do what my old-patterns would have me do. Instead; i went to HEB and bought some food for the next 5-6 days that are Food Lover's Friendly, rented a couple of movies, and enjoyed an evening on the sofa...
My house is super-clean, the pool is sparkling, and i'm enjoying this time alone. I figured out a way to wedge something under the bedroom door, too -- so i'm not constantly awakened by strange house-sounds and freaked out. This way; nobody can get in. Not without making a lot of noise; and if that happens...Mr. 38 Special will be ready & waiting. :o)
I DID indulge a little bit, tho -- i bought a cheese log and had about 1/2 of it on whole grain crackers. I'm only supposed to have about 4-5 crackers, and i had easily double that-- and more cheese than i needed. And a little later, i had 2 of the Organic toaster-pastries we're allowed (they're actually ON the approved-snack-list), with a little butter on them. It was all yummy, but i was uncomfortably full and looked forward to getting back on track today.
I DID weigh myself just to see if i caused much damage and was up less than a lb, but still up. I think if i do well today, and exercise, i'll be fine. A girlfriend invited me out for drinks/dinner tonight tho -- so i'm not sure how to handle that.
I would LIKE to have a drink, but dunno if it'd be worth it. Two nights off the wagon may be too much; especially if this 'night out' isn't worth it on the fun-o-meter. Meaning; if it were to lead to a fun night of singing/dancing, etc -- it'd be totally worth it! But if it's just food and drinks...nah. Not so much. Know what i mean?
Anyway ~ i'm gonna walk the dogs now, then come home and shower, see a movie, do a little shopping, then come home and float in the pool for a bit before getting my toes done. Then i'm off to meet my girlfriend for drinks/dinner. I LOVE Sat's like this...and as much as i enjoy Tom's company; i'm loving having this time to do as i please...with no one to consider by myself...
Does that make me selfish??
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Day 6 of the Food Lovers Fat Loss Program
And i'm feeling good! Every time a couple of hours has passed and i feel that insane-hunger approaching, i rejoice; coz i know i'm in fat-burning mode!
I've gotten back on my walking-regimen, and have challenged a few of my FB pedometer club-members to a Pick-a- State-Walkathon. We're going to walk the entire strip of Florida -- from Key West to Pensacola -- 833 virtual miles. I figure - if i can do about 7 miles per day, it'll take me til the end of summer-- about August.
We're not supposed to weigh ourselves anymore, til the 21 days are up, but i'm SO tempted to! I won't, tho -- i'll be good. What i'm worried about is Tom is leaving town for 6 days and i would normally use this time alone to indulge for at least 24 hours. I really don't want to do that. I wanna be loving towards myself and stay on program; reward myself by doing WELL! I still have that internal battle raging inside my head tho...
Gonna try to stock up on good, yummy snacks/meal items so i'm not tempted to get the coconut cake i so desperately THINK i want. ;o)
The kitchen is coming along, atho we hit a few snags this week. We've been delayed, but are moving forward now. I've seen some wonderful sounding recipes that are totally Fat-Loss-friendly in the program's books that i'm dying to try once the kitchen is finished. Can't wait!!
I still feel incredibly optimistic and like this is really gonna happen this time! I hope i'm not in denial. ;o)
I've gotten back on my walking-regimen, and have challenged a few of my FB pedometer club-members to a Pick-a- State-Walkathon. We're going to walk the entire strip of Florida -- from Key West to Pensacola -- 833 virtual miles. I figure - if i can do about 7 miles per day, it'll take me til the end of summer-- about August.
We're not supposed to weigh ourselves anymore, til the 21 days are up, but i'm SO tempted to! I won't, tho -- i'll be good. What i'm worried about is Tom is leaving town for 6 days and i would normally use this time alone to indulge for at least 24 hours. I really don't want to do that. I wanna be loving towards myself and stay on program; reward myself by doing WELL! I still have that internal battle raging inside my head tho...
Gonna try to stock up on good, yummy snacks/meal items so i'm not tempted to get the coconut cake i so desperately THINK i want. ;o)
The kitchen is coming along, atho we hit a few snags this week. We've been delayed, but are moving forward now. I've seen some wonderful sounding recipes that are totally Fat-Loss-friendly in the program's books that i'm dying to try once the kitchen is finished. Can't wait!!
I still feel incredibly optimistic and like this is really gonna happen this time! I hope i'm not in denial. ;o)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
173.3 yesterday
i've finally busted through that 175 floor!! Yea!! And, am noticing a marked difference in how i feel since starting the Food Lovers Fat Loss System. We're eating constantly -- because we CAN, and because my body is so ready for food after 2-3 hours, i feel i might literally faint! -- and that in itself seems to have ramped up my metabolism. I love the kinds of snacks we're allowed to have, love that i can have starchy-carbs in moderation (even sweet treats), and think Tom and i could realistically do some version of this forever.
I feel very optimistic about this...but am worried that my expectations are too high. I've had remarkable results with many different 'plans" (Low-fat, Atkins, Sommersizing, Protein Power Plan, etc) -- but this plan makes the most sense to me. We're eating mostly organic foods (expensive, but oh well) -- and can have anything we want...in moderation. We just have to combine it with the right OTHER foods; to make a 'fat-loss' meal.
The thing he said (we have CD's to listen to, as well as several books, and workout DVDS) that i like the best is that when your body gets to the point where it's super-hunger within 2-3 hours after your last meal or snack; that means your system is in fat-burning mode. When it's NOT hungry after that amount of time; it's still in 'storing' mode.
So; every time i'm super-hungry after 2-3 hours, i like knowing that i'm burning fat and utilizing all the food i'd eaten a few short hours before, and not storing any of it. He also explained in really simple terms how the body processes glucose/sugars/simple and complex carbs. Imagining this (coz i'm very visual) really helps as well; and makes it even more clear as to why cardio helps so much with fat-loss.
He explained it like this; when we eat carbs and insulin is secreted, it (the insulin) acts like an Usher. It "ushers" the glucose/sugars into the cells where it's carried into the blood-stream, and taken to one of 3 places for 'use'.
1) the liver. If the liver has room, and isn't already full of glucose; it'll accept the new glucose. If not...it goes to
2) the muscles. If the muscles are emptied of glucose/glycogen (ie; glycogen depletion) --then they will accept this new supply of sugars. They become emptied thru exercise and use --which is why cardio is so great when partnered with this kind of diet. BUT; if the muscles are still too full, because they haven't been USED for exercise -- then it goes to...
3) fat cells. The fat cells are NEVER, never, never too full to accept more -- and will continue to accept any and all that are brought to them. Hence; an infinite number of fat-cells ready to be filled.
This visual picture really helps me to understand the importance of 'burning calories thru exercise'...and why i'm going to go for my walk and ride my bike today! :o) The more emptied my muscles are of excess glucose; the more that can be stored there -- for muscle building, and to simply keep any excess OUT of my fat-cells, which -- let's face it; are already full enough!!
When i think about it and remember back to the days when i lost the most weight, quickly and easily (i keep thinking about when i lost 35 lbs in about 6 weeks back in '92) -- i was eating every 2-3 hours (tons of grapefruit -- several times a day), drinking a ton of water, using my stair-climber every night (min 5x's a week) for 60 mins, and eating whole-foods. I didn't abstain from sugar, but i didn't take in a lot of it.
That was when i actually felt the healthiest in my life. I rarely got sick, my skin and hair looked great, and i was the size/shape i wanted to be.
That's what i have in my head now. I don't need to weigh 110 lbs like i did in high-school. I want to retain my curves and boobs...getting back down to 130 (43 lbs away -- 60 lbs total from the 'start' in Jan, 2010) will suit me just fine!
IF my body, just by virtue of being fed properly and healthfully, naturally goes to a lower weight...that'd be fine. But i won't force it.
Yep! I feel very optimistic. I feel like i can do this...and not feel like i'm giving anything up. Once the 21 Day Induction Phase is over (16 days to go) -- there will be very few restrictions. Looking forward to just feeling in control and watching that scale drop every week. We're not supposed to weigh until the end of our 21 days...i may get one last one in this morning. Am a little afraid i might've gained a lb in the night (always a fear of mine), but i wanna see...
k, will check in later.
I feel very optimistic about this...but am worried that my expectations are too high. I've had remarkable results with many different 'plans" (Low-fat, Atkins, Sommersizing, Protein Power Plan, etc) -- but this plan makes the most sense to me. We're eating mostly organic foods (expensive, but oh well) -- and can have anything we want...in moderation. We just have to combine it with the right OTHER foods; to make a 'fat-loss' meal.
The thing he said (we have CD's to listen to, as well as several books, and workout DVDS) that i like the best is that when your body gets to the point where it's super-hunger within 2-3 hours after your last meal or snack; that means your system is in fat-burning mode. When it's NOT hungry after that amount of time; it's still in 'storing' mode.
So; every time i'm super-hungry after 2-3 hours, i like knowing that i'm burning fat and utilizing all the food i'd eaten a few short hours before, and not storing any of it. He also explained in really simple terms how the body processes glucose/sugars/simple and complex carbs. Imagining this (coz i'm very visual) really helps as well; and makes it even more clear as to why cardio helps so much with fat-loss.
He explained it like this; when we eat carbs and insulin is secreted, it (the insulin) acts like an Usher. It "ushers" the glucose/sugars into the cells where it's carried into the blood-stream, and taken to one of 3 places for 'use'.
1) the liver. If the liver has room, and isn't already full of glucose; it'll accept the new glucose. If not...it goes to
2) the muscles. If the muscles are emptied of glucose/glycogen (ie; glycogen depletion) --then they will accept this new supply of sugars. They become emptied thru exercise and use --which is why cardio is so great when partnered with this kind of diet. BUT; if the muscles are still too full, because they haven't been USED for exercise -- then it goes to...
3) fat cells. The fat cells are NEVER, never, never too full to accept more -- and will continue to accept any and all that are brought to them. Hence; an infinite number of fat-cells ready to be filled.
This visual picture really helps me to understand the importance of 'burning calories thru exercise'...and why i'm going to go for my walk and ride my bike today! :o) The more emptied my muscles are of excess glucose; the more that can be stored there -- for muscle building, and to simply keep any excess OUT of my fat-cells, which -- let's face it; are already full enough!!
When i think about it and remember back to the days when i lost the most weight, quickly and easily (i keep thinking about when i lost 35 lbs in about 6 weeks back in '92) -- i was eating every 2-3 hours (tons of grapefruit -- several times a day), drinking a ton of water, using my stair-climber every night (min 5x's a week) for 60 mins, and eating whole-foods. I didn't abstain from sugar, but i didn't take in a lot of it.
That was when i actually felt the healthiest in my life. I rarely got sick, my skin and hair looked great, and i was the size/shape i wanted to be.
That's what i have in my head now. I don't need to weigh 110 lbs like i did in high-school. I want to retain my curves and boobs...getting back down to 130 (43 lbs away -- 60 lbs total from the 'start' in Jan, 2010) will suit me just fine!
IF my body, just by virtue of being fed properly and healthfully, naturally goes to a lower weight...that'd be fine. But i won't force it.
Yep! I feel very optimistic. I feel like i can do this...and not feel like i'm giving anything up. Once the 21 Day Induction Phase is over (16 days to go) -- there will be very few restrictions. Looking forward to just feeling in control and watching that scale drop every week. We're not supposed to weigh until the end of our 21 days...i may get one last one in this morning. Am a little afraid i might've gained a lb in the night (always a fear of mine), but i wanna see...
k, will check in later.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
feeling better, atho
I had to cheat yesterday on the cleanse/detox. Maybe this was all in my head; but i was starting to feel ill from the lack of what i perceived was protein. There's only 1 scoop of protein powder in each smoothie (3x's a day), and it just didn't seem like enough to balance out the meds i take. All i'm getting is fruit/sugars all day long...so i had 5 crackers and 2 slices of cheese. I didn't feel so great after that; bloated, over-full, but by the evening...i felt more stable.
This morning, i was very "productive" in the restroom...perhaps this cleanse is finally working. I'm looking forward to, and dreading, the next phase; the actual Food Lovers Fast Lost System DIET (or WOE; Way Of Eating) itself...only because i wonder if it'll be any different for me than what i was supposed to be doing all along...
I'm sure that if i were to follow my NDFH Diet --i'd be WAY ahead of where i am now. I'm too busy wanting other things; craving and allowing other things...which is why i was HOPING this cleanse/ detox would break me of any sugar-cravings...something it SAYS its supposed to do.
Haven't exercised much this week. Didn't do ANY at all last week...i could give lots of excuses, but the truth is; i haven't felt like it. The house has been full of fumes from the staining process on the cabinets, and that doesn't lend itself to indoor bike-riding. I'm trying not to walk too much, because my Orthoped. advised i NOT use walking for my 'exercise'...but i WANT to. Jeez; i'm not a power-walker...i just walk the dog!
So, i've decided that if my knee continues to improve over time, which it has been -- SLOWLY, but there IS less swelling--then i'm going to walk my 30 mins with Addison every other day or so. I'd like to do it more; or at least, i SAY i'd like to -- but i never really get my 5 days a week in.
Hmmmm....I dunno why i don't. I clearly have the time; most days, anyway. It's almost as if i get the idea that 3-4 days is "enough" in my head, and if i've reached that, i let myself off the hook if i'm tired, or just don't feel like it. Dumb. That could be keeping me where i am weight-wise.
Anyway -- we have Dexter with us again for a couple of weeks. He's easy to care for and not a bother, but i do have to watch the door more, coz he's small. I'm gonna TRY to walk Addison and Dex at the same time this AM. Maybe it'll be easier than walking just Addison, who -- until he tires a little--keeps wanting to be out in front. I'm constantly reeling him in via "Cesar's Method" -- but it tires me and on some level; frustrates me. I just want him to WALK without me having to constantly correct him. Perhaps it's my frustration that keeps him pulling on that leash. Hmmm....food for thought.
Oh well... in time, with due-diligence and perseverance, i'm sure he'll improve.
K, gonna get suited up for it.
More later...
OH; haven't weighed today, because yesterday, on day 3 of our Detox/Cleanse -- i was UP 1 lb from last week! WTF?? I feel lighter today, but that could just be my imagination. I'm gonna wait and weigh on Sat -- on day 6. And on Sun; we can have solid food again! Yea!
later...
This morning, i was very "productive" in the restroom...perhaps this cleanse is finally working. I'm looking forward to, and dreading, the next phase; the actual Food Lovers Fast Lost System DIET (or WOE; Way Of Eating) itself...only because i wonder if it'll be any different for me than what i was supposed to be doing all along...
I'm sure that if i were to follow my NDFH Diet --i'd be WAY ahead of where i am now. I'm too busy wanting other things; craving and allowing other things...which is why i was HOPING this cleanse/ detox would break me of any sugar-cravings...something it SAYS its supposed to do.
Haven't exercised much this week. Didn't do ANY at all last week...i could give lots of excuses, but the truth is; i haven't felt like it. The house has been full of fumes from the staining process on the cabinets, and that doesn't lend itself to indoor bike-riding. I'm trying not to walk too much, because my Orthoped. advised i NOT use walking for my 'exercise'...but i WANT to. Jeez; i'm not a power-walker...i just walk the dog!
So, i've decided that if my knee continues to improve over time, which it has been -- SLOWLY, but there IS less swelling--then i'm going to walk my 30 mins with Addison every other day or so. I'd like to do it more; or at least, i SAY i'd like to -- but i never really get my 5 days a week in.
Hmmmm....I dunno why i don't. I clearly have the time; most days, anyway. It's almost as if i get the idea that 3-4 days is "enough" in my head, and if i've reached that, i let myself off the hook if i'm tired, or just don't feel like it. Dumb. That could be keeping me where i am weight-wise.
Anyway -- we have Dexter with us again for a couple of weeks. He's easy to care for and not a bother, but i do have to watch the door more, coz he's small. I'm gonna TRY to walk Addison and Dex at the same time this AM. Maybe it'll be easier than walking just Addison, who -- until he tires a little--keeps wanting to be out in front. I'm constantly reeling him in via "Cesar's Method" -- but it tires me and on some level; frustrates me. I just want him to WALK without me having to constantly correct him. Perhaps it's my frustration that keeps him pulling on that leash. Hmmm....food for thought.
Oh well... in time, with due-diligence and perseverance, i'm sure he'll improve.
K, gonna get suited up for it.
More later...
OH; haven't weighed today, because yesterday, on day 3 of our Detox/Cleanse -- i was UP 1 lb from last week! WTF?? I feel lighter today, but that could just be my imagination. I'm gonna wait and weigh on Sat -- on day 6. And on Sun; we can have solid food again! Yea!
later...
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Day 3 of the Food Lovers Detox/Cleanse
and Tom's down about 6-7 lbs, and me..? Nada. Am wondering what i'm doing wrong...or is my body just perpetually stuck?? This blows...i'm tired of all the liquid, can't eat solid food yet, and want a cheeseburger.
SHIT!
SHIT!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Food Lovers Fot Loss System
Just came in the other day (yesterday?) and Tom and i were gonna start the detox-cleanse, but figure we'll wait til Mon, since we've both had an intestinal bug all week. I'm excited!! I hope this will be a positive experience for Tom and me...
We have to take Before/After pics for the program. UGH! That sure won't feel good, OR be pretty... :o/ But i wanna do this thing full-throttle...i don't wanna skip things that seem silly to me, or things that might make me uncomfortable.
I'm hoping Tom will be completely on board, too -- i don't intend to hand-hold him thru this process. He's gonna have to know this program as well as i do; i'm not gonna take the time to explain it all when it's right here for him to read.
I'm a little annoyed that he keeps complaining about his weight, our 'private life' (ahem!) has suffered because of his feelings about his weight, and yet; he puts forth NO effort to work-out or get involved in a real weight-loss effort. I'm out of patience with him...
Just sayin'...
We have to take Before/After pics for the program. UGH! That sure won't feel good, OR be pretty... :o/ But i wanna do this thing full-throttle...i don't wanna skip things that seem silly to me, or things that might make me uncomfortable.
I'm hoping Tom will be completely on board, too -- i don't intend to hand-hold him thru this process. He's gonna have to know this program as well as i do; i'm not gonna take the time to explain it all when it's right here for him to read.
I'm a little annoyed that he keeps complaining about his weight, our 'private life' (ahem!) has suffered because of his feelings about his weight, and yet; he puts forth NO effort to work-out or get involved in a real weight-loss effort. I'm out of patience with him...
Just sayin'...
Monday, May 3, 2010
been away for a while, coz
i have a bit of a stomach bug. Tom and i both seem to be sharing this one...we've both got it. No fever; no vomiting (thank GOD!) but chronic diarrhea and cramping and headache and fatigue. Oh joy...
Well, that's not the only reason i haven't written.
I kept meaning to sit down and write, but never got to it. Kept doing other things, i guess.
In any case; I had a good week last week. Worked out (biked, walked -- garnering nearly 14-15k steps every day!) almost the entire week (4 or 5 days...? Can't remember now) and got back down to 175 lbs. I'd been hovering above that for a week or so. Dunno where i am now scale-wise...haven't weighed. Am a little afraid to -- coz i FEEL so lousy. You'd think with some chronic diarrhea i'd lose a few pounds, but the foods i'm being drawn to that i THINK will make my tummy feel better aren't the healthiest choices.
I'll weigh in tomorrow, just to know where i am.
I ordered a new weight-loss program. i know, i know...seems desperate and foolish, but I watched the infomercial about 5-6 times and finally decided to just go for it. It's called the Food Lovers something or other. It's very similar to the NDFH i'm already on, but has a more structured 'program' to follow-- charts, things to fill out, markers to hit, etc.
Also; it's supposed to teach you how & when to eat the things you like (unfriendly foods) in the right combos so that you continue to lose weight -- and don't stall or gain, like i keep doing. I've been hovering at 175 for over a month now, and need to break thru that floor. I hope this will help me with that...
It felt good to be so active last week. I'm bummed i can't really do much today. I fear leaving the house will make me instantly need a restroom, and biking (the seat, anyway) puts pressure on my bum in a way that irritates it, because of all the frequent bathroom visits. I could buck-up and just endure, but i wont. I know me... and i wont. ;o)
I've been writing more on my pet-project and enjoying it. Discovered a whole entire section i'd forgotten i'd written and liked it. It was engaging, entertaining, and enthralling. All the things a good fiction should be. But, we'll see how it all comes together.
I'm looking forward to and dreading my trip to Pensacola. I long to see all my old friends, and have some absolute relaxation time with Tom, but SO wish i'd be thinner for that trip. Maybe this new program will help me get at least 15 lbs lights. If i could be at 155 (20 lbs less than now) i'd be THRILLED --but that just doesn't seem possible. Not at this stage with the difficulties i NOW have with weight loss. Used to be; i could drop it pretty fast, if i put my mind to it. But that doesn't happen anymore with this Syndrome W shit.
I just re-read the above paragraph and thought how full of shit i am. I WANT to be thinner, but am not so focused and dedicated in a way that gets me there. I want it without working TOO hard for it. What a hypocrite. I guess i'm just like everyone else; i want the wanting of it to be enough to will it...without possessing or putting forth the will to GET IT.
Shit.
Oh well...don't feel like thinking about that now.
Anyway -- will let you know when my program arrives and how it is!
May need to lay down again...
Well, that's not the only reason i haven't written.
I kept meaning to sit down and write, but never got to it. Kept doing other things, i guess.
In any case; I had a good week last week. Worked out (biked, walked -- garnering nearly 14-15k steps every day!) almost the entire week (4 or 5 days...? Can't remember now) and got back down to 175 lbs. I'd been hovering above that for a week or so. Dunno where i am now scale-wise...haven't weighed. Am a little afraid to -- coz i FEEL so lousy. You'd think with some chronic diarrhea i'd lose a few pounds, but the foods i'm being drawn to that i THINK will make my tummy feel better aren't the healthiest choices.
I'll weigh in tomorrow, just to know where i am.
I ordered a new weight-loss program. i know, i know...seems desperate and foolish, but I watched the infomercial about 5-6 times and finally decided to just go for it. It's called the Food Lovers something or other. It's very similar to the NDFH i'm already on, but has a more structured 'program' to follow-- charts, things to fill out, markers to hit, etc.
Also; it's supposed to teach you how & when to eat the things you like (unfriendly foods) in the right combos so that you continue to lose weight -- and don't stall or gain, like i keep doing. I've been hovering at 175 for over a month now, and need to break thru that floor. I hope this will help me with that...
It felt good to be so active last week. I'm bummed i can't really do much today. I fear leaving the house will make me instantly need a restroom, and biking (the seat, anyway) puts pressure on my bum in a way that irritates it, because of all the frequent bathroom visits. I could buck-up and just endure, but i wont. I know me... and i wont. ;o)
I've been writing more on my pet-project and enjoying it. Discovered a whole entire section i'd forgotten i'd written and liked it. It was engaging, entertaining, and enthralling. All the things a good fiction should be. But, we'll see how it all comes together.
I'm looking forward to and dreading my trip to Pensacola. I long to see all my old friends, and have some absolute relaxation time with Tom, but SO wish i'd be thinner for that trip. Maybe this new program will help me get at least 15 lbs lights. If i could be at 155 (20 lbs less than now) i'd be THRILLED --but that just doesn't seem possible. Not at this stage with the difficulties i NOW have with weight loss. Used to be; i could drop it pretty fast, if i put my mind to it. But that doesn't happen anymore with this Syndrome W shit.
I just re-read the above paragraph and thought how full of shit i am. I WANT to be thinner, but am not so focused and dedicated in a way that gets me there. I want it without working TOO hard for it. What a hypocrite. I guess i'm just like everyone else; i want the wanting of it to be enough to will it...without possessing or putting forth the will to GET IT.
Shit.
Oh well...don't feel like thinking about that now.
Anyway -- will let you know when my program arrives and how it is!
May need to lay down again...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Doing Better, but still not great
I've been doing pretty great regarding exercise this week ~ so far, anyway. :o) Monday i walked with Tom for 30 minutes, came home and biked for 30 more minutes, then took a sauna ~ garnering 16-17,000 steps that day. Tues i walked again with Tom, but never hit my 10,000 steps for the day -- i was just too pooped to bike, as i'd intended. BUT, at least i got a 30 min walk in, so i was happy about that.
Yesterday, i walked in the AM with Addison (our dog), then again with Tom in the evening -- reaching 14,000 or so steps by the end of the day. That was a good day, and i FELT like i'd exercised -- even tho my 'walks' aren't power-walks where i'm working hard, hard, hard! Hmmmm...maybe that's something i should change..? Is my intensity not up to snuff? I keep saying i intend to add 3 days of weight-training/sit-ups/push-ups etc into my routine -- but have ceased to follow thru yet. Something to consider, eah?
In any case; I'm feeling good about the exercise -- altho my food-intake hasn't been as good. It hasn't been nuts, but i'm not being as diligent as i should be. The thing is; i don't understand why i'm NOT being more careful. I mean; it's just as easy to eat what i'm supposed to as it is to eat what i'm not...it doesn't make sense. Unless i'm just being lazy and listening to that silent monster in my head that seeks to keep me from my goal.
My friend, Michelle -- my weight-loss pen-pal, whom i've never physically met, but feel i know very well -- she was close to 190 last year, after the death of her mother. She acknowledged that she was emotionally eating and out of control. We'd actually connected before all that -- when she was somewhere around 150 lbs. In any case; over the course of the last 12 months -- she's down to her 120-130's...having lost close to 60 lbs!
Granted; we're going about this differently...she eats low-carb almost exclusively (a day of eating could be 1 pork-chop for b'fast, 1 piece of fish for dinner), and i not only don't WANT to eat that way, i think it's very unhealthy in the end -- but still; she's showing remarkable discipline and i just can't seem to get to a place where i'm more diligent.
I'm finding myself thinking about the weight where she is and feeling jealous. I can visualize myself at 130 and since my goal weight is actually somewhere nearer to 135-140, i would actually BE THERE! I can almost feel the relief of having reached it...!!
But alas; i'm no where near there. I'm still firmly at 176-175. If i could reach 160 before Pensacola -- i'd be THRILLED! But wishing and doing aren't the same things ~ are they? Most of my actions show that i WISH it, but am not GETTING it. Is it merely a question of will power and stick-to-it'dness? Or is it more...? I'd LIKE to think it's more, but that's really just avoiding the truth, isn't it?
BUT, there IS the question of chemistry...no? I mean; maybe part of the problem is because i'm allowed carbs on my "diet" -- The NDFH. Not a lot of them, and certainly no processed sweets, per se. But i have 1 piece of bread or 5 crackers per 'serving' -- whether that's a meal or a snack. And i eat certain fruit (i usually have apples, peaches, pears, or strawberries) -- and that could be keeping my cravings for more carbs alive and well.
I dunno...i just don't understand why i'm not being more focused when i keep saying this is something i want. Obviously it's something i want...and if so; i'll ask it again ~ why aren't i doing it?
sigh.
Anyway -- i have some things to do this AM before a dental appt to have two crowns delivered (all that means is -- to have them put on), then i have a client coming to use the sauna before her NMT appt. I'm gonna walk while she's in the sauna. I WILL be better with my food today! I just had my NDFH b'fast (1 pc. toast with 1 TB whipped cream cheese and 2 slices non-fat ham, with 1 cup NF milk)--and will have my 'snack' before my walk, while my client's in the sauna...then have lunch around 1:00. I'd gotten tired of the taste of salmon for a while, but had it again the other day and loved it. I had better weight-loss days when i was eating more salmon. I think i'll go back to that. And, i'll be cooking dinner for us in the camper tonight, so we don't eat poorly "out".
I DID discover a new lil fast-food joint near us that has the most delectable selection of foods. All i've tried is the Grilled Tilapia wrap -- but i have no idea how healthy that really IS for me. Huh. I'd better look up some of those ingredients and find out, before i go nuts on it, the way i often do with new food i discover. It's the flour tortilla that may be the clincher.
Gonna look it up now...
will check in later...
Oh, btw: i'm afraid to weigh in again...just coz it was going in the wrong direction the last time i did. I wanna wait til i FEEL thinner. lol! I know; dumb -- but i just don't wanna see the scale stuck again.
til later....
Yesterday, i walked in the AM with Addison (our dog), then again with Tom in the evening -- reaching 14,000 or so steps by the end of the day. That was a good day, and i FELT like i'd exercised -- even tho my 'walks' aren't power-walks where i'm working hard, hard, hard! Hmmmm...maybe that's something i should change..? Is my intensity not up to snuff? I keep saying i intend to add 3 days of weight-training/sit-ups/push-ups etc into my routine -- but have ceased to follow thru yet. Something to consider, eah?
In any case; I'm feeling good about the exercise -- altho my food-intake hasn't been as good. It hasn't been nuts, but i'm not being as diligent as i should be. The thing is; i don't understand why i'm NOT being more careful. I mean; it's just as easy to eat what i'm supposed to as it is to eat what i'm not...it doesn't make sense. Unless i'm just being lazy and listening to that silent monster in my head that seeks to keep me from my goal.
My friend, Michelle -- my weight-loss pen-pal, whom i've never physically met, but feel i know very well -- she was close to 190 last year, after the death of her mother. She acknowledged that she was emotionally eating and out of control. We'd actually connected before all that -- when she was somewhere around 150 lbs. In any case; over the course of the last 12 months -- she's down to her 120-130's...having lost close to 60 lbs!
Granted; we're going about this differently...she eats low-carb almost exclusively (a day of eating could be 1 pork-chop for b'fast, 1 piece of fish for dinner), and i not only don't WANT to eat that way, i think it's very unhealthy in the end -- but still; she's showing remarkable discipline and i just can't seem to get to a place where i'm more diligent.
I'm finding myself thinking about the weight where she is and feeling jealous. I can visualize myself at 130 and since my goal weight is actually somewhere nearer to 135-140, i would actually BE THERE! I can almost feel the relief of having reached it...!!
But alas; i'm no where near there. I'm still firmly at 176-175. If i could reach 160 before Pensacola -- i'd be THRILLED! But wishing and doing aren't the same things ~ are they? Most of my actions show that i WISH it, but am not GETTING it. Is it merely a question of will power and stick-to-it'dness? Or is it more...? I'd LIKE to think it's more, but that's really just avoiding the truth, isn't it?
BUT, there IS the question of chemistry...no? I mean; maybe part of the problem is because i'm allowed carbs on my "diet" -- The NDFH. Not a lot of them, and certainly no processed sweets, per se. But i have 1 piece of bread or 5 crackers per 'serving' -- whether that's a meal or a snack. And i eat certain fruit (i usually have apples, peaches, pears, or strawberries) -- and that could be keeping my cravings for more carbs alive and well.
I dunno...i just don't understand why i'm not being more focused when i keep saying this is something i want. Obviously it's something i want...and if so; i'll ask it again ~ why aren't i doing it?
sigh.
Anyway -- i have some things to do this AM before a dental appt to have two crowns delivered (all that means is -- to have them put on), then i have a client coming to use the sauna before her NMT appt. I'm gonna walk while she's in the sauna. I WILL be better with my food today! I just had my NDFH b'fast (1 pc. toast with 1 TB whipped cream cheese and 2 slices non-fat ham, with 1 cup NF milk)--and will have my 'snack' before my walk, while my client's in the sauna...then have lunch around 1:00. I'd gotten tired of the taste of salmon for a while, but had it again the other day and loved it. I had better weight-loss days when i was eating more salmon. I think i'll go back to that. And, i'll be cooking dinner for us in the camper tonight, so we don't eat poorly "out".
I DID discover a new lil fast-food joint near us that has the most delectable selection of foods. All i've tried is the Grilled Tilapia wrap -- but i have no idea how healthy that really IS for me. Huh. I'd better look up some of those ingredients and find out, before i go nuts on it, the way i often do with new food i discover. It's the flour tortilla that may be the clincher.
Gonna look it up now...
will check in later...
Oh, btw: i'm afraid to weigh in again...just coz it was going in the wrong direction the last time i did. I wanna wait til i FEEL thinner. lol! I know; dumb -- but i just don't wanna see the scale stuck again.
til later....
Monday, April 19, 2010
Hmmmmm....
I woke with a new sense of determination and bravado, thinking: "I WILL get my walk/bike ride in this AM and will do 20 mins of weight-training!" Of course, that would be coupled with eating when i was supposed to/ what i was supposed to/ how much i was supposed to...blah, blah, blah...
And this is what i did instead; I slept in a little (not what i was supposed to do), never got to b'fast til 10AM (way later than i was supposed to), had 2 pieces of low-carb toast with cream-cheese, avo, and sliced smoked turkey (with a glass of milk) instead of the 1 I probably should've had, and haven't made it out the door for my walk yet...something i was supposed to do around 8:30 (it's now 11:02)...
Oh, and i weighed 177.6 again today. WTF? I was 175 2 days ago! Well, i guess the blueberry pancakes and sausage i had yesterday, plus missing all of my snacks, and the pizza-for-dinner 2 nights in a row this weekend, plus the Coke and chips i munched a little of - guess it all took it's toll. I should be happy i'm not back at 180!
I still ask myself; am i really serious this time? i'm supposed to be, coz now it's not just a question of losing weight...it's a question of avoiding diabetes. That's something that i, without a doubt, MUST do. Why aren't i taking it more seriously? What has to happen for me to not only intellectually "get it" -- but for me to actively, physically with conviction work myself AWAY from it? It's as if i'm relying on the meds and a few walks and bike rides to do all the work, and that's just dumb.
Dumb.
And this is what i did instead; I slept in a little (not what i was supposed to do), never got to b'fast til 10AM (way later than i was supposed to), had 2 pieces of low-carb toast with cream-cheese, avo, and sliced smoked turkey (with a glass of milk) instead of the 1 I probably should've had, and haven't made it out the door for my walk yet...something i was supposed to do around 8:30 (it's now 11:02)...
Oh, and i weighed 177.6 again today. WTF? I was 175 2 days ago! Well, i guess the blueberry pancakes and sausage i had yesterday, plus missing all of my snacks, and the pizza-for-dinner 2 nights in a row this weekend, plus the Coke and chips i munched a little of - guess it all took it's toll. I should be happy i'm not back at 180!
I still ask myself; am i really serious this time? i'm supposed to be, coz now it's not just a question of losing weight...it's a question of avoiding diabetes. That's something that i, without a doubt, MUST do. Why aren't i taking it more seriously? What has to happen for me to not only intellectually "get it" -- but for me to actively, physically with conviction work myself AWAY from it? It's as if i'm relying on the meds and a few walks and bike rides to do all the work, and that's just dumb.
Dumb.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
progress...
I'm listening to the sound of hammers and drills from the kitchen. Our new crew of sheet-rock installer arrived at 8:00 AM sharp and have been working diligently the entire time. It's such a relief to know we're beyond the chaos of Antonio and his messy-lie-infested-life.
Tom and i rose early and went for a 30-min walk after the crew arrived. I plan to mount my bike and get in another 30 mins so that my 10,000 steps are fine'. ;o) It'll feel good to have 3 days of work-outs behind me. If i can get it in tomorrow AM -- that'll be 4, and i'll feel even better about that! (If?? I mean WHEN!)
I've started dragging out equipment that's been stored in my closet for a while; a medicine ball, my thera-ball (large, inflated ball you do push-ups, sit-ups, balance exercises on), and hand weights. I need to put together a good weight-training plan for my core, my back, & my arms. If i can fit in 1 hour of cardio a day (30 min walk should be automatic every AM + 30 min bike ride at night, before a sauna.) -- with weights 3x's a week -- even if i only do 20 mins of that (push-ups, sit-ups w/trunk twists, lat-flys, bicep curls, tricep dips, etc) -- i should be good, right? I mean; i don't need a trainer to tell me i should be doing all of that -- right?
I just need to DO IT! Tom's started working out a little this week as well. I think he did 3 nights of biking, and walked with me this AM. It's a start. We both just need to be diligent about it. Of course; it doesn't help that we ordered a pizza last night for dinner. LOL! It was a thin-crust, heavily sauced pepperoni and we didn't finish it (something new for us! We used to ALWAYS finish it!) -- so we've improved a little there. ha!
We did have the left over 3 pieces (me-1, Tom-2) for b'fast, tho ~ before our walk. Was that such a bad thing?? i figured it contained at a min 15 grams of carb, cheesy-protein, & tomato/veggie sauce/ Not ideal; but not horrible. And it's not like we mowed on it or anything. I had 1 small piece.
In any case -- i'm realizing that i'm running out of time and May will be upon us shortly -- then i'll only have 7 weeks to be in better shape than i'm in! I MUST get my shit together!!
Didn't weigh in today...didn't want to after that pizza. Plus; i had a bit of an intestinal bug yesterday/last night; mild fever and diarrhea. I always tend to retain fluids when i have a bug...didn't wanna see THAT on the scale either. ;o)
k, gonna get my bike-ride in. I feel pretty good about today. Gonna have my exercise out of the way, progress is being made in the kitchen, and the house was cleaned 2 days ago. We have a few errands we can run later this aftn when the crew is gone -- then we can relax with a nice light dinner (soup/crackers), and watch movies all night. Ahhhhh...just having no worries about anything right now feels good...
Well, except for worrying about losing more weight before June 26! ARG! *(that's our vacation date to Pensacola)
k, gotta bike!
Tom and i rose early and went for a 30-min walk after the crew arrived. I plan to mount my bike and get in another 30 mins so that my 10,000 steps are fine'. ;o) It'll feel good to have 3 days of work-outs behind me. If i can get it in tomorrow AM -- that'll be 4, and i'll feel even better about that! (If?? I mean WHEN!)
I've started dragging out equipment that's been stored in my closet for a while; a medicine ball, my thera-ball (large, inflated ball you do push-ups, sit-ups, balance exercises on), and hand weights. I need to put together a good weight-training plan for my core, my back, & my arms. If i can fit in 1 hour of cardio a day (30 min walk should be automatic every AM + 30 min bike ride at night, before a sauna.) -- with weights 3x's a week -- even if i only do 20 mins of that (push-ups, sit-ups w/trunk twists, lat-flys, bicep curls, tricep dips, etc) -- i should be good, right? I mean; i don't need a trainer to tell me i should be doing all of that -- right?
I just need to DO IT! Tom's started working out a little this week as well. I think he did 3 nights of biking, and walked with me this AM. It's a start. We both just need to be diligent about it. Of course; it doesn't help that we ordered a pizza last night for dinner. LOL! It was a thin-crust, heavily sauced pepperoni and we didn't finish it (something new for us! We used to ALWAYS finish it!) -- so we've improved a little there. ha!
We did have the left over 3 pieces (me-1, Tom-2) for b'fast, tho ~ before our walk. Was that such a bad thing?? i figured it contained at a min 15 grams of carb, cheesy-protein, & tomato/veggie sauce/ Not ideal; but not horrible. And it's not like we mowed on it or anything. I had 1 small piece.
In any case -- i'm realizing that i'm running out of time and May will be upon us shortly -- then i'll only have 7 weeks to be in better shape than i'm in! I MUST get my shit together!!
Didn't weigh in today...didn't want to after that pizza. Plus; i had a bit of an intestinal bug yesterday/last night; mild fever and diarrhea. I always tend to retain fluids when i have a bug...didn't wanna see THAT on the scale either. ;o)
k, gonna get my bike-ride in. I feel pretty good about today. Gonna have my exercise out of the way, progress is being made in the kitchen, and the house was cleaned 2 days ago. We have a few errands we can run later this aftn when the crew is gone -- then we can relax with a nice light dinner (soup/crackers), and watch movies all night. Ahhhhh...just having no worries about anything right now feels good...
Well, except for worrying about losing more weight before June 26! ARG! *(that's our vacation date to Pensacola)
k, gotta bike!
Friday, April 16, 2010
scared to weigh in, but more bad news...
Our Sheet-rock-installer that has been causing such grief in our lives is finally MIA, and with our $$!! What gets me and has really twisted my stomach is that i wanted to trust him, because he was presenting compelling stories that just COULDN'T be un-true..or so i thought. Truth be told, tho; i really don't know what happened...
He stayed in contact with me throughout the last few weeks, even AFTER we paid him $700 in cash, with no prospect of more $$ til after the job was done -- and took the time to explain his absence or whatever else was the issue at hand...all of this when he could've easily just written us off EARLY...right after receiving our cash. It's the weirdest thing. But as of yesterday; his phone no longer works.
In any case; i'm way ready to get off the roller-coast that is his life. We've hired a new crew to start tomorrow AM and get our walls finished. Just knowing we're moving in a positive direction eases me -- even tho we're out $700.
Shit.
Anyway -- I actually DID weight in (this is a continuation...i stopped writing and came back to this just now...) and am at 175. I thought i'd be higher, coz i was a few days ago. I'm happy with that. I still haven't been eating as often as i should be. BUT i HAVE been exercising! I plan to get a walk and bike ride in tonight, still...need to! Perhaps i'll take my walk now...while Tom's putting up insulation. Hmmmm...may have to do that.
I'm still now below 175 and am pissed at myself for that. How do i expect to be thinner and trimmer by vacation time if i don't buckle-down and get my shit together? I find my mind keeps going back to "start again next week..." like a twisted mantra of pseudo promises. I guess that's how i've gotten by all these years...inching my way into my 40's and not a lb lighter.
Double shit.
k, i'm tired of typing and thinking about this. I've been debating a friend on Facebook about Obama and his policies and America's "racism"...it's exhausting when people ignore facts so that they can continue to live in the dark...
til later...
He stayed in contact with me throughout the last few weeks, even AFTER we paid him $700 in cash, with no prospect of more $$ til after the job was done -- and took the time to explain his absence or whatever else was the issue at hand...all of this when he could've easily just written us off EARLY...right after receiving our cash. It's the weirdest thing. But as of yesterday; his phone no longer works.
In any case; i'm way ready to get off the roller-coast that is his life. We've hired a new crew to start tomorrow AM and get our walls finished. Just knowing we're moving in a positive direction eases me -- even tho we're out $700.
Shit.
Anyway -- I actually DID weight in (this is a continuation...i stopped writing and came back to this just now...) and am at 175. I thought i'd be higher, coz i was a few days ago. I'm happy with that. I still haven't been eating as often as i should be. BUT i HAVE been exercising! I plan to get a walk and bike ride in tonight, still...need to! Perhaps i'll take my walk now...while Tom's putting up insulation. Hmmmm...may have to do that.
I'm still now below 175 and am pissed at myself for that. How do i expect to be thinner and trimmer by vacation time if i don't buckle-down and get my shit together? I find my mind keeps going back to "start again next week..." like a twisted mantra of pseudo promises. I guess that's how i've gotten by all these years...inching my way into my 40's and not a lb lighter.
Double shit.
k, i'm tired of typing and thinking about this. I've been debating a friend on Facebook about Obama and his policies and America's "racism"...it's exhausting when people ignore facts so that they can continue to live in the dark...
til later...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
a better day...
...and i've completed over 17,000 steps today! :o) Also; i had all three meals, and 2 small snacks--just as The NDFH dictates! :o) I was a good girl today.
I'm feeling a tad over-full at the moment, coz i just got out of the sauna where i drank about a quart of water in 30 mins...AND we went out for dinner and i ate more bread than i needed, and half a baked potato i probably shouldn't have had -- BUT; even with that minor indulgence...i still feel good about today...
I went for a 30 min walk this morning with our dog, Addison -- and had a busy day of errands and shopping for counter-tops. Then tonight, i did 35 mins on the bike, and a 30 min sauna. Am feeling pleased and satisfied that today was good...where all that's concerned, anyway.
Still at a stand-still with our construction help; who ended up in jail over the weekend for un-paid traffic tickets and failure to show up for court. What a dummy. So now he's mega-behind with ALL of his work/clients/customers -- and i'm sure our piddly little job isn't at the forefront of his brain.
Luckily, our cabinets STILL aren't ready (and won't be til next Mon or Tues) -- so his time away, and subsequent time NOT completing our project hasn't effected us too terribly. I'm still pissed, tho -- and have decided that if we don't hear from him by tomorrow; i'll be hounding and harrassing his cell phone every 5 mins. He'll wish he was still in jail.
Nothing pisses me off more than people taking advantage of another's generosity (of time, of money, of patience...), and even more; thinking they can get away with it. I hope i'm wrong about him, and he'll do the right thing and contact us pronto in the AM.
But that's just a hope...
I'm feeling a tad over-full at the moment, coz i just got out of the sauna where i drank about a quart of water in 30 mins...AND we went out for dinner and i ate more bread than i needed, and half a baked potato i probably shouldn't have had -- BUT; even with that minor indulgence...i still feel good about today...
I went for a 30 min walk this morning with our dog, Addison -- and had a busy day of errands and shopping for counter-tops. Then tonight, i did 35 mins on the bike, and a 30 min sauna. Am feeling pleased and satisfied that today was good...where all that's concerned, anyway.
Still at a stand-still with our construction help; who ended up in jail over the weekend for un-paid traffic tickets and failure to show up for court. What a dummy. So now he's mega-behind with ALL of his work/clients/customers -- and i'm sure our piddly little job isn't at the forefront of his brain.
Luckily, our cabinets STILL aren't ready (and won't be til next Mon or Tues) -- so his time away, and subsequent time NOT completing our project hasn't effected us too terribly. I'm still pissed, tho -- and have decided that if we don't hear from him by tomorrow; i'll be hounding and harrassing his cell phone every 5 mins. He'll wish he was still in jail.
Nothing pisses me off more than people taking advantage of another's generosity (of time, of money, of patience...), and even more; thinking they can get away with it. I hope i'm wrong about him, and he'll do the right thing and contact us pronto in the AM.
But that's just a hope...
Trying to get back on track...
I'm i'm donning my tennis shoes and heading out the door with Addison; our sweeter-than-sweet Husky/Golden mix. I ate like a dumbass this weekend ( booze, pizza 2x's, fast-food, soda) and am too scared to look at the scale. Instead; i'm choosing to get back on the exercise train (despite the doc wanting me to wait 2 whole weeks coz of my stupid knee) and see if i can knock it down some...
Also; i must, must, must make sure i get all my snacks in -- something i've been really bad about. I totally feel a difference in my body when i DON'T eat, which sounds weird - i know! But my nutritionist seems to be right about that...eating LESS, or certainly less often, with this 'condition' is a recipe for trouble. I need to be more diligent about that...
Slept fitfully, anxious about what will happen with our sheet-rock installer. He's been in 'county' *(that's right; in jail) since last week. Before that, he'd had a series of personal crisis and delays that have stalled our project. If we hadn't paid him 2/3rds of it already in cash, we'd be cancelling his ass. But since i haven't a clue how to pursue a Corpus subcontractor for things like cash-paid-for-services-UN rendered...i think we may be stuck. I think...
i'm about to call him before heading out on my walk. Fingers and toes crossed that we aren't out 700bucks and still without a dry-waller...
Also; i must, must, must make sure i get all my snacks in -- something i've been really bad about. I totally feel a difference in my body when i DON'T eat, which sounds weird - i know! But my nutritionist seems to be right about that...eating LESS, or certainly less often, with this 'condition' is a recipe for trouble. I need to be more diligent about that...
Slept fitfully, anxious about what will happen with our sheet-rock installer. He's been in 'county' *(that's right; in jail) since last week. Before that, he'd had a series of personal crisis and delays that have stalled our project. If we hadn't paid him 2/3rds of it already in cash, we'd be cancelling his ass. But since i haven't a clue how to pursue a Corpus subcontractor for things like cash-paid-for-services-UN rendered...i think we may be stuck. I think...
i'm about to call him before heading out on my walk. Fingers and toes crossed that we aren't out 700bucks and still without a dry-waller...
Friday, April 9, 2010
And...Paula's Here!
...so perhaps THAT's why i couldn't get the scale to budget this week...? Hope so! I tell ya tho; that sauna really does a number on my cramps. Meaning; when i was using it real regularly last year -- i never knew when Paula was about to make a showing, coz most of my symptoms vanished! I had no cramps, or no other precursor to her arrival. And subsequently; during the months i did NOT use it regularly (and on those rare months she visited, as i'm in menopause now) -- she made her visit loud and clear pretty early on.
This month, except for my mention of having felt ovulation-like a few weeks ago, i wasn't expecting her at all. i'd actually forgotten about all that -- until BOOM! Last night -- here she was! No cramps, no warning that she was headed my way. I think this is one of the things i need to tout as far as the sauna's added benefits. It clearly has a REAL effect on the way my body processes the sloffing off process during that whole "cycle"...
Anyway -- am hoping that once she takes leave again, i can see the scale bounce down a bit. If not; i'll be able to exercise again next week (i hope!) -- so maybe that'll do the trick! Tom wants to get on board now too, which he often SAYS, but rarely ever DOES. We'll see how committed he is this time. ;o)
This month, except for my mention of having felt ovulation-like a few weeks ago, i wasn't expecting her at all. i'd actually forgotten about all that -- until BOOM! Last night -- here she was! No cramps, no warning that she was headed my way. I think this is one of the things i need to tout as far as the sauna's added benefits. It clearly has a REAL effect on the way my body processes the sloffing off process during that whole "cycle"...
Anyway -- am hoping that once she takes leave again, i can see the scale bounce down a bit. If not; i'll be able to exercise again next week (i hope!) -- so maybe that'll do the trick! Tom wants to get on board now too, which he often SAYS, but rarely ever DOES. We'll see how committed he is this time. ;o)
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Another bad week -- and it's making me positively EDGY!
I saw the orthopedist this Mon and he wanted me to lay off any exercise for at least 1 week...possibly two. I'm on anti-inflammatories for my knee. The swelling just won't go away. We're seeing if this'll do the trick...
So, what i've noticed is that even with a pretty darn good diet (albeit i skipped a few snacks, and i'll get into that in a few) -- without the exercise, my weight hasn't budged. Still sitting firmly at 176. Ugh!
How is it that eating less often (ie; less caloric intake) doesn't equal weight LOSS? I wake up feeling thinner every morning, only to weigh myself and see no change. But the weeks when i'm biking and using the sauna...it's a steady decline.
So, needless to say; i'm looking forward to getting back on the bike. I suppose i still could be using the sauna, but it seems to go with exercise for me these days. Maybe i'll try it tonight and see if it garners any difference.
This has been the week from hell, other than that. We're in the middle of the kitchen remodel and i'm having a disastrous time with our contract help. The whole situation has not only tried my patience to the nth degree; it's made my stomach squirrely in a way i'm just not used to. I don't cringe from conflict...never have. i don't mind at ALL telling somebody to get their shit in gear...but i can't exactly say what i want to here, because a cash-payment (already made!) is involved, and we need this guy to friggin' finish! I'm beyond frustrated and constantly worried we're being scammed or taken advantage of -- and what makes it even worse is that it was I who found this guy and wanted to hire him.
Shit.
I've also realized that i hate that feeling of distrusting somebody's intentions. This reminds me too much of being married to Rob. Maybe that's why it's messing with my stomach. That constant edge of anxiety; wondering if i'm being lied to or manipulated...it's too familiar. And i resent being put in this situation...altho it is I (!) who put myself here.
Double Shit.
I think i need to let it go. Yeah...that's what i need to do. The world won't come to an end if our sheet-rock isn't installed today and even if he blows us off and takes off with our money without finishing his job; losing $600, while being a real drag, won't kill us. I may be tempted to print all over Craigslist and anywhere else i can think of "Don't Hire (insert name here) coz he's a lying, crooked shyster that does shitty work!!!" -- but THAT will be the hardest part of all; NOT doing exactly that. ;o)
Other than that; i'm feeling okay, i guess. I have tendinitis in my right arm and it's re-inflamed and painful. I'm making good money lately, but feel overwhelmed with all the money i'm trying to save for summer travel and other things i'd planned on for the house. I think i over-extended myself a bit. Just trying to get it all in order.
Hmmmm...maybe that's at the center of all of this. I feel like things have spiraled out of control -- with our contract help (i have no control there, that's for sure!), with my concern over making enough $$ for the next few months, with the fact that i can't exercise and get better results with my weight-loss efforts. It seems every which way i turn to gain ground, my efforts are foiled.
Triple Shit.
k, i'm tired of thinking of this.
I have clients coming soon. Maybe that'll take my mind off things for a while...
So, what i've noticed is that even with a pretty darn good diet (albeit i skipped a few snacks, and i'll get into that in a few) -- without the exercise, my weight hasn't budged. Still sitting firmly at 176. Ugh!
How is it that eating less often (ie; less caloric intake) doesn't equal weight LOSS? I wake up feeling thinner every morning, only to weigh myself and see no change. But the weeks when i'm biking and using the sauna...it's a steady decline.
So, needless to say; i'm looking forward to getting back on the bike. I suppose i still could be using the sauna, but it seems to go with exercise for me these days. Maybe i'll try it tonight and see if it garners any difference.
This has been the week from hell, other than that. We're in the middle of the kitchen remodel and i'm having a disastrous time with our contract help. The whole situation has not only tried my patience to the nth degree; it's made my stomach squirrely in a way i'm just not used to. I don't cringe from conflict...never have. i don't mind at ALL telling somebody to get their shit in gear...but i can't exactly say what i want to here, because a cash-payment (already made!) is involved, and we need this guy to friggin' finish! I'm beyond frustrated and constantly worried we're being scammed or taken advantage of -- and what makes it even worse is that it was I who found this guy and wanted to hire him.
Shit.
I've also realized that i hate that feeling of distrusting somebody's intentions. This reminds me too much of being married to Rob. Maybe that's why it's messing with my stomach. That constant edge of anxiety; wondering if i'm being lied to or manipulated...it's too familiar. And i resent being put in this situation...altho it is I (!) who put myself here.
Double Shit.
I think i need to let it go. Yeah...that's what i need to do. The world won't come to an end if our sheet-rock isn't installed today and even if he blows us off and takes off with our money without finishing his job; losing $600, while being a real drag, won't kill us. I may be tempted to print all over Craigslist and anywhere else i can think of "Don't Hire (insert name here) coz he's a lying, crooked shyster that does shitty work!!!" -- but THAT will be the hardest part of all; NOT doing exactly that. ;o)
Other than that; i'm feeling okay, i guess. I have tendinitis in my right arm and it's re-inflamed and painful. I'm making good money lately, but feel overwhelmed with all the money i'm trying to save for summer travel and other things i'd planned on for the house. I think i over-extended myself a bit. Just trying to get it all in order.
Hmmmm...maybe that's at the center of all of this. I feel like things have spiraled out of control -- with our contract help (i have no control there, that's for sure!), with my concern over making enough $$ for the next few months, with the fact that i can't exercise and get better results with my weight-loss efforts. It seems every which way i turn to gain ground, my efforts are foiled.
Triple Shit.
k, i'm tired of thinking of this.
I have clients coming soon. Maybe that'll take my mind off things for a while...
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Uh Oh!
The scale was not my friend yesterday. All the indiscretions i'd been partaking in over the last week have caught up with me; exercise be damned! I was up a total of 4 lbs yesterday AM -- at 179 lbs! I hadn't been at that weight for a while. I had a mild internal freak-out, then decided to get down to brass-tacks. I ate better, ate at home, and worked out longer. I'm afraid to weigh in today....coz i had pizza at our friend's house last night, and i had 3 glasses of wine.
I've felt bloated for about 3 days now...maybe it's PMS. I did feel ovulation-like last week, so i must be preparing for the other shoe to drop. Right? I hope, i hope, i hope!
Anyway -- gotta eat b'fast so i can stay on track today. Am looking forward to today, actually. It's one of the first days we don't have a ton of things to do! I have a client at 2:00, and will just do a few errands in town before/after that. I plan to hang out and watch movies today...we may hook up with friends for dinner/drinks tonight, maybe sing some karaoke. It's been a while for that. It might be fun! :o)
Trying not to be too down on myself weight-wise...especially if it's mostly PMS related. :o)
I've felt bloated for about 3 days now...maybe it's PMS. I did feel ovulation-like last week, so i must be preparing for the other shoe to drop. Right? I hope, i hope, i hope!
Anyway -- gotta eat b'fast so i can stay on track today. Am looking forward to today, actually. It's one of the first days we don't have a ton of things to do! I have a client at 2:00, and will just do a few errands in town before/after that. I plan to hang out and watch movies today...we may hook up with friends for dinner/drinks tonight, maybe sing some karaoke. It's been a while for that. It might be fun! :o)
Trying not to be too down on myself weight-wise...especially if it's mostly PMS related. :o)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Bought a new DIET product -- AcaiOptimum
What will it do? Well, if it does as promised; it'll promote weight-loss...and fast! I dunno if it was a silly thing to do or not...but i was over-taken by that instant need to buy a pill as a solution to this problem. It's only a 2 week supply (that will automatically bill my CC a monthly supply, if i don't cancel it in time!) - and i only paid 5bucks for it. We'll see if it's anything at all...
I'm researching Food Lovers Fat-loss plan (or something like that) which teaches one how to eat all the foods they love (yep; my early-in-the-week's binge foods included) in the proper combination so that my body will burn fat, not store it; even in the presence of fast-carbs/trash-laden foods.
I thought it might be a better way for Tom to get on board, so he doesn't become overwhelmed with guilt when he eats poorly; because honestly -- his negative thoughts around weight and fat-ness really bug me. It's hard to hear somebody so critical of their OWN fat, and not imagine they MUST be critical of mine as well, ya know? And i can't stand how effected (affected?) he is by his poor body image. I don't see what he sees...but he clearly is deeply effected by it because it's touched other avenues of our life...or "lack" there of; if you know what i mean.
This WOE it seems to be kinda what i'm doing anyway. I'm certainly not eating like a saint, but maybe--without even PLANNING it--i'm mixing in enough slow-carbs with those fat carbs, and adding enough protein to all of it to slow it's process down. AND, maybe with the meds i now take that allow any excreted insulin to actually be accepted into my cells -- maybe a combination of all these things are keeping me from gaining those 15 lbs of weight back.
Well; i say that, but today i weighed in and am at 177.2. I was at 174.4 this time last week. That's 3 lbs UP now. I actually FEEL bloated, tho -- my hands are tight, my skin on my face is...my belly is. I'm having severe allergic reactions to our spring-time weather, and my whole body feels inflamed! But of course; some of that water-weight could have to do with the shitty lunch i had a while ago, AND the fact that i basically skipped b'fast and my first snack of the day...something that i know will keep me from losing.
According to my nutritionist; skipping meals is as bad for me as eating the wrong foods. They both prompt an insulin reaction that will keep me bloated and foggy. It's stupid to skip snacks when all i have to do is walk over to a refrigerator and grab something. I dunno why i'm not doing it...i always feel better when i do!
Is it that Self-Saboteur Monster again?
I worked out last night, and will again today and tomorrow -- so i'll have at least 3 days of it under my belt. I always shoot for a weekend work-out as well, but almost never do it. I dunno why. I'm usually just here--doing stupid stuff around the house. Surely i could fit in 30 mins of biking.
Again; dumb.
I'm feeling some pressure now, tho; we have a vacation coming up where we'll be going home (MY home) to Pensacola for a week on the beach. I'm arranging a 'get-together' for any of our high-school grad class (that's local, that is) to come join us for a day at the beach. I had visions, when i first started planning this, of being 40-45 lbs lighter and feeling thin and pretty for this 'get together'. Now; it's only 3 months away, and even if i lose another 15 lbs -- i won't be as thin as i'd imagined myself to be. I certainly won't match up with my ongoing-fantasy in my head; complete with compliments on how little i've changed, and how GREAT i look for 45! lol!
Egads. I'm pathetic.
Still tho; i need to get serious about this, or i'll begin dreading the get-together and feel like shit about myself. Ya know; this isn't unusual for me...to have a goal in mind, start heading for it, see it over the horizon, then stop it cold in it's tracks. Is that just a self-esteem issue? A fear of success; rather than a fear of failure? Maybe THAT's why i bought that new product; Acai-whatever.
Oh well; i'm not gonna figure it out today. Just trying to understand myself better. i know i'm not comfortable at this weight, so why do i keep myself here? What's blocking me? Do i really not want it and am just telling people i do because i know they expect me to want it? Does that make sense?
I'm researching Food Lovers Fat-loss plan (or something like that) which teaches one how to eat all the foods they love (yep; my early-in-the-week's binge foods included) in the proper combination so that my body will burn fat, not store it; even in the presence of fast-carbs/trash-laden foods.
I thought it might be a better way for Tom to get on board, so he doesn't become overwhelmed with guilt when he eats poorly; because honestly -- his negative thoughts around weight and fat-ness really bug me. It's hard to hear somebody so critical of their OWN fat, and not imagine they MUST be critical of mine as well, ya know? And i can't stand how effected (affected?) he is by his poor body image. I don't see what he sees...but he clearly is deeply effected by it because it's touched other avenues of our life...or "lack" there of; if you know what i mean.
This WOE it seems to be kinda what i'm doing anyway. I'm certainly not eating like a saint, but maybe--without even PLANNING it--i'm mixing in enough slow-carbs with those fat carbs, and adding enough protein to all of it to slow it's process down. AND, maybe with the meds i now take that allow any excreted insulin to actually be accepted into my cells -- maybe a combination of all these things are keeping me from gaining those 15 lbs of weight back.
Well; i say that, but today i weighed in and am at 177.2. I was at 174.4 this time last week. That's 3 lbs UP now. I actually FEEL bloated, tho -- my hands are tight, my skin on my face is...my belly is. I'm having severe allergic reactions to our spring-time weather, and my whole body feels inflamed! But of course; some of that water-weight could have to do with the shitty lunch i had a while ago, AND the fact that i basically skipped b'fast and my first snack of the day...something that i know will keep me from losing.
According to my nutritionist; skipping meals is as bad for me as eating the wrong foods. They both prompt an insulin reaction that will keep me bloated and foggy. It's stupid to skip snacks when all i have to do is walk over to a refrigerator and grab something. I dunno why i'm not doing it...i always feel better when i do!
Is it that Self-Saboteur Monster again?
I worked out last night, and will again today and tomorrow -- so i'll have at least 3 days of it under my belt. I always shoot for a weekend work-out as well, but almost never do it. I dunno why. I'm usually just here--doing stupid stuff around the house. Surely i could fit in 30 mins of biking.
Again; dumb.
I'm feeling some pressure now, tho; we have a vacation coming up where we'll be going home (MY home) to Pensacola for a week on the beach. I'm arranging a 'get-together' for any of our high-school grad class (that's local, that is) to come join us for a day at the beach. I had visions, when i first started planning this, of being 40-45 lbs lighter and feeling thin and pretty for this 'get together'. Now; it's only 3 months away, and even if i lose another 15 lbs -- i won't be as thin as i'd imagined myself to be. I certainly won't match up with my ongoing-fantasy in my head; complete with compliments on how little i've changed, and how GREAT i look for 45! lol!
Egads. I'm pathetic.
Still tho; i need to get serious about this, or i'll begin dreading the get-together and feel like shit about myself. Ya know; this isn't unusual for me...to have a goal in mind, start heading for it, see it over the horizon, then stop it cold in it's tracks. Is that just a self-esteem issue? A fear of success; rather than a fear of failure? Maybe THAT's why i bought that new product; Acai-whatever.
Oh well; i'm not gonna figure it out today. Just trying to understand myself better. i know i'm not comfortable at this weight, so why do i keep myself here? What's blocking me? Do i really not want it and am just telling people i do because i know they expect me to want it? Does that make sense?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Having a bad week...:o(
I can't seem to get back on track. Tom was out of town Monday night, and because i knew this in advance; i was rather obsessed with planning what i would eat while he was away. It felt like old-times...back 'in the day' when i would binge-eat whenever Tim (Husband #1) traveled...which was constantly; since he was a pilot in the USMC.
As the day of Tom's travel drew near, i toyed with the idea of staying ON track...how rewarding that would feel if i did well, instead of indulging and gorging myself. I came close to doing that when i woke up with a sinus infection Monday AM...thus, giving me the necessary nudge in the wrong direction. Whenever i feel poorly, i feel i must treat myself to something i really like, because i'm SICK after all!
Dumb.
So; Tom left for work, i saw my only client for the day (cancelled everyone else coz i had a fever), then i drove to HEB for the things i'd been planning. The entire weekend, i couldn't decide if i'd prefer a bag of Oreos (it's been years since i'd had any) or Pop-Tarts. In the end; two reasons settled me on the Pop-Tarts...the warm crust and buttery goodness when i slathered oozing,melting butter over it's hardened frosting...and the fact that Oreos, if memory serves, always destroys my stomach. There's something truly toxic for me in those cookies.
I bought milk, eggs, Pop-tarts, lunch-meat (for Tom for later), a bottle of Pepsi, and a bag of Doritos. I knew i'd be ordering a large, thin-crust Pepperoni from Pizza Hut as soon as i left the store. The milk and eggs were purchased because i didn't want it to look to the check-out clerk like i was heading home with 2 bags full of shit-food to gobble. Milk and eggs are wholesome. Everybody thinks so; their purchase was designed to trick her.
It's always interesting to me how my shame of binge eating is always superseded by detailed planning to keep the person who takes my money for said-binge-food from knowing what i'm about to do.
Like ordering donuts at the drive-thru window at Krispy Kreme, and making sure to say "WE need 6 donuts..." and i always talk as if i'm ordering for a 2nd person...saying things like: "hmmmm, let's get 2 glazed, 2 chocolate, 1 cream-filled, and i think he'd like 1 lemon filled..."
Lie.
I guess that's what addicts do. OH, wow! Am i an addict? If you lie about your food, or sneak and hide it...doesn't that make you compulsive? And aren't those two primary factors IN an addiction?
Just more questions...
Along the way, to go with my studious plan for NOT looking like a binge-eater to the sales-clerk i do not know; i often think to myself; if THEY're a binge-eater, they'll recognize this behvaiour and know -- so i end up feeling ashamed anyway. One feeling feeds it's sickness into the next...
I think it's really just shame for shame's sake; because i'm ashamed of being a binger. It's mind boggling to me why we do things we feel so crappy about, why it's worth it to us -- when we know we hate feeling lousy, and yet we continue to put ourselves through it--mentally PUSH ourselves into it!-- in essense; making ourselves feel as shitty about ourselves as we can, just to have this "thing".
What's that about?
In any case; i reached my car, called Pizza Hut, ordered my pizza with Extra Sauce (coz the most important part), went to the Video store for new movies, then picked up the Pizza. Oh! One last thing; on my way out of the cereal/breakfast item's aisle at the store; i spotted some Little Debbie chocolate-swirl cakes. I hadn't had these in AGES! Of course; it didn't help that i was sick AND starving.
So, i bought a box. Ate one package while in the car. After picking up the pizza; i ate a slice while in the car. When i got home, i went thru the ritual of setting myself up for being permanently parked in front of the TV for the day; complete with phones, remotes, pillows, blankets, Pepsi and glass full of crushed ice, pizza and Lil Debbies. I ate the way i used to; alternating 1 slice of pizza with 1 twirly-cake. Sweet...salty...sweet...salty. Felt like old times... and not in a good, comforting way. In a destructive "how did i get back to HERE?" kind of way.
Although; i MUST say, in my own defense...it's not exactly like old times. In the old days, i'd eat the whole pizza in 2 hours, a whole box of Twinkies along with it, and a whole bottle of Pepsi. It'd all be gone LONG before midnight, and i usually hadn't sat down to start the devouring-process
til after 6:00 PM. So...things HAVE improved. Now i can't eat more than a little at a time...is that something to be proud of? I'm not sure...the behaviour that prefaces it is still the same, and that's not healthy, in and of itself.
So now...now, after all that, i'm in binge mode. I can't seem to shake it. Luckily, i haven't put on a ton of weight since eating almost that whole pizza on Monday. I ate half of it within 8 hours, which really isn't so bad. I had 2 pieces when home (after the 1 in the car), then would have a piece here and there, sporadically. I ended up giving the last 2-3 pieces to the dogs...because i was frankly tired of the taste; it wasn't 'good' anymore...
To add to the drama; all of this junk woke up my acid-reflux, which haunted me the rest of the day. Great. I hadn't had a bout of that in months. Oh well...consequences and all that jazz.
I didn't eat terribly yesterday; but didn't do great either. I ended up having a medium (which is really a large) chocolate milk-shake from Whataburger, coz my stomach was a little acidic and irritated. I had a tiny snack of crackers and cheese for a late aftn snack, then split a meal with Tom for dinner. I didn't feel like i'd over-eaten.
And today; i had eggs with 1 piece of cheese, a glass of milk, and 2 pop-tarts with butter. There it is...if the box is here, and nobody else is aware of it; i'll eat 'em. I made a pretty hefty sandwich for lunch, trying to internally justify this choice by all the lettuce i put on it. I did NOT, however, treat myself to another pop-tart, which was what i wanted to do. I think i need to throw the box out, or give it to my client. Hmmm...that's a good idea!
In any case; i was only up 1.4 lbs this AM for all of the shit i'd eaten. Because my body seems to be processing insulin better (correctly!), i don't seem to hang on to every morsel (water-weight not withstanding) i eat. Maybe, in time, i can just eat like a normal person and be fine.
Not that a large pizza, pop-tarts, and a box of Lil Debbies is considered normal...
As the day of Tom's travel drew near, i toyed with the idea of staying ON track...how rewarding that would feel if i did well, instead of indulging and gorging myself. I came close to doing that when i woke up with a sinus infection Monday AM...thus, giving me the necessary nudge in the wrong direction. Whenever i feel poorly, i feel i must treat myself to something i really like, because i'm SICK after all!
Dumb.
So; Tom left for work, i saw my only client for the day (cancelled everyone else coz i had a fever), then i drove to HEB for the things i'd been planning. The entire weekend, i couldn't decide if i'd prefer a bag of Oreos (it's been years since i'd had any) or Pop-Tarts. In the end; two reasons settled me on the Pop-Tarts...the warm crust and buttery goodness when i slathered oozing,melting butter over it's hardened frosting...and the fact that Oreos, if memory serves, always destroys my stomach. There's something truly toxic for me in those cookies.
I bought milk, eggs, Pop-tarts, lunch-meat (for Tom for later), a bottle of Pepsi, and a bag of Doritos. I knew i'd be ordering a large, thin-crust Pepperoni from Pizza Hut as soon as i left the store. The milk and eggs were purchased because i didn't want it to look to the check-out clerk like i was heading home with 2 bags full of shit-food to gobble. Milk and eggs are wholesome. Everybody thinks so; their purchase was designed to trick her.
It's always interesting to me how my shame of binge eating is always superseded by detailed planning to keep the person who takes my money for said-binge-food from knowing what i'm about to do.
Like ordering donuts at the drive-thru window at Krispy Kreme, and making sure to say "WE need 6 donuts..." and i always talk as if i'm ordering for a 2nd person...saying things like: "hmmmm, let's get 2 glazed, 2 chocolate, 1 cream-filled, and i think he'd like 1 lemon filled..."
Lie.
I guess that's what addicts do. OH, wow! Am i an addict? If you lie about your food, or sneak and hide it...doesn't that make you compulsive? And aren't those two primary factors IN an addiction?
Just more questions...
Along the way, to go with my studious plan for NOT looking like a binge-eater to the sales-clerk i do not know; i often think to myself; if THEY're a binge-eater, they'll recognize this behvaiour and know -- so i end up feeling ashamed anyway. One feeling feeds it's sickness into the next...
I think it's really just shame for shame's sake; because i'm ashamed of being a binger. It's mind boggling to me why we do things we feel so crappy about, why it's worth it to us -- when we know we hate feeling lousy, and yet we continue to put ourselves through it--mentally PUSH ourselves into it!-- in essense; making ourselves feel as shitty about ourselves as we can, just to have this "thing".
What's that about?
In any case; i reached my car, called Pizza Hut, ordered my pizza with Extra Sauce (coz the most important part), went to the Video store for new movies, then picked up the Pizza. Oh! One last thing; on my way out of the cereal/breakfast item's aisle at the store; i spotted some Little Debbie chocolate-swirl cakes. I hadn't had these in AGES! Of course; it didn't help that i was sick AND starving.
So, i bought a box. Ate one package while in the car. After picking up the pizza; i ate a slice while in the car. When i got home, i went thru the ritual of setting myself up for being permanently parked in front of the TV for the day; complete with phones, remotes, pillows, blankets, Pepsi and glass full of crushed ice, pizza and Lil Debbies. I ate the way i used to; alternating 1 slice of pizza with 1 twirly-cake. Sweet...salty...sweet...salty. Felt like old times... and not in a good, comforting way. In a destructive "how did i get back to HERE?" kind of way.
Although; i MUST say, in my own defense...it's not exactly like old times. In the old days, i'd eat the whole pizza in 2 hours, a whole box of Twinkies along with it, and a whole bottle of Pepsi. It'd all be gone LONG before midnight, and i usually hadn't sat down to start the devouring-process
til after 6:00 PM. So...things HAVE improved. Now i can't eat more than a little at a time...is that something to be proud of? I'm not sure...the behaviour that prefaces it is still the same, and that's not healthy, in and of itself.
So now...now, after all that, i'm in binge mode. I can't seem to shake it. Luckily, i haven't put on a ton of weight since eating almost that whole pizza on Monday. I ate half of it within 8 hours, which really isn't so bad. I had 2 pieces when home (after the 1 in the car), then would have a piece here and there, sporadically. I ended up giving the last 2-3 pieces to the dogs...because i was frankly tired of the taste; it wasn't 'good' anymore...
To add to the drama; all of this junk woke up my acid-reflux, which haunted me the rest of the day. Great. I hadn't had a bout of that in months. Oh well...consequences and all that jazz.
I didn't eat terribly yesterday; but didn't do great either. I ended up having a medium (which is really a large) chocolate milk-shake from Whataburger, coz my stomach was a little acidic and irritated. I had a tiny snack of crackers and cheese for a late aftn snack, then split a meal with Tom for dinner. I didn't feel like i'd over-eaten.
And today; i had eggs with 1 piece of cheese, a glass of milk, and 2 pop-tarts with butter. There it is...if the box is here, and nobody else is aware of it; i'll eat 'em. I made a pretty hefty sandwich for lunch, trying to internally justify this choice by all the lettuce i put on it. I did NOT, however, treat myself to another pop-tart, which was what i wanted to do. I think i need to throw the box out, or give it to my client. Hmmm...that's a good idea!
In any case; i was only up 1.4 lbs this AM for all of the shit i'd eaten. Because my body seems to be processing insulin better (correctly!), i don't seem to hang on to every morsel (water-weight not withstanding) i eat. Maybe, in time, i can just eat like a normal person and be fine.
Not that a large pizza, pop-tarts, and a box of Lil Debbies is considered normal...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
is this temporary, or can i trust it?
I'm feeling quite 'in control' of late, and that's a strange thing...for me, anyway. :o)
And that doesn't necessarily mean i've been eating 100% correctly, as per the NDFH. Pretty far from it, actually. I've kinda been eating pretty much whatever i want, trying to choose somewhat-wisely most of the time -- but am finding i'm leaving almost (and sometimes more than!) half of whatever it is i'm eating on my plate (or feeding it to the dogs)... every meal. Even the things i have always finished in the past; i'm not finishing them now.
Is this what is meant by eating-til-satisfied?? I mean; i know that it is, but who'da thought it would be easy to do? What i'm finding is; i really hate that feeling of fullness lately, and on the few occasions when i HAVE eaten too much-- I make sure at the next meal that i don't.
And after having many things that are NOT on The NDFH over the last 3-4 days (chips and dip, sausage/egg/cheese biscuit, milkshake, french-fries, double cheeseburger...oh, and some salad!) -- i'm still below 175, which is kinda shocking to me. I would've thought all of those foods would've put water-weight on me in a millisecond. That's my MO, you see.
What's even more surprising is that i'm not bloated in the middle -- which is DEFINITELY my MO of late. The blouses and clothes that used to cling and aggravate me now lay loosely around my waist -- swinging nicely. I could definitely get used to this! :o)
Hmmmm...will have to continue testing this theory throughout the weekend...see if i can get BELOW 174 by Tue or Wed of next week...
And that doesn't necessarily mean i've been eating 100% correctly, as per the NDFH. Pretty far from it, actually. I've kinda been eating pretty much whatever i want, trying to choose somewhat-wisely most of the time -- but am finding i'm leaving almost (and sometimes more than!) half of whatever it is i'm eating on my plate (or feeding it to the dogs)... every meal. Even the things i have always finished in the past; i'm not finishing them now.
Is this what is meant by eating-til-satisfied?? I mean; i know that it is, but who'da thought it would be easy to do? What i'm finding is; i really hate that feeling of fullness lately, and on the few occasions when i HAVE eaten too much-- I make sure at the next meal that i don't.
And after having many things that are NOT on The NDFH over the last 3-4 days (chips and dip, sausage/egg/cheese biscuit, milkshake, french-fries, double cheeseburger...oh, and some salad!) -- i'm still below 175, which is kinda shocking to me. I would've thought all of those foods would've put water-weight on me in a millisecond. That's my MO, you see.
What's even more surprising is that i'm not bloated in the middle -- which is DEFINITELY my MO of late. The blouses and clothes that used to cling and aggravate me now lay loosely around my waist -- swinging nicely. I could definitely get used to this! :o)
Hmmmm...will have to continue testing this theory throughout the weekend...see if i can get BELOW 174 by Tue or Wed of next week...
Friday, March 26, 2010
more good news!
Down to 174.4...the lowest yet! :o) I've noticed a definite VERY noticeable trend when i'm working out VS not...even if it's just 1 day. Crazy! I would've thought it'd be more about the food; and not so much the exercise...and believe me; i'm being no-angel where it comes to the food. ;o)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Yippee! :o)
My lab results for my progress with the Syndrome W declared that i'm finally responding to my Fortamet! My insulin levels when last tested were extremely high; 24, when the desired number is 7 and below. I'm now at 11...so i'm much closer to where i wanna be...
This is excellent news, and gives me hope that i can ultimately lose weight at a normal pace. My thyroid is still unbalanced, as is my DHEA, so that will all be tested next week to see what kind of adjustments we need make.
I have hope! And will try to do/be better because of it...
Thur, March 25
Haven't weighed all week; dunno why. A part me of is scared the needle will be stuck; even tho i know every details as to why that would be. I guess i just don't wanna be discouraged. I'm working out this week, and taking my saunas (which are SUPPOSED to burn about 200-300 calories per 30 mins), but am certain i'm no lighter. I know it's the food. I don't seem to be taking it as seriously as i did in the beginning of The NDFH. Is there a part of me that wants to KEEP me at this weight/size...? That's so controlling and spiteful; it won't let me live in a thinner body?
What is that monster that i refuse to gain control over?
What is that monster that i refuse to gain control over?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Back down to 175 this AM
...and feeling better!! My knee is still giving me grief because of the dancing over the weekend, but it's not as bad as it was, and i'm able to get around better, which is a plus.
A gal-pal from high-school --someone i hadn't seen since 1981!! -- came into town for the day yesterday, and we spent it walking along the beach with her daughter, reminiscing about our high-school youth. It was fun & amazing, but left me a little melancholy. It was SO great to catch up...but it made it all the more clear just how far i've gotten from my adolescence, the kind of life i lead back then, and my faith-based roots. Life sure seemed much more simple back then, that's for sure.
It's been a long time since i've thought about those times; when i was a young, exuberant, Bible-belted gal, singing praises for "the Lord" (jeez, even writing that feels weird!), chronically concerned about my 'witness' --or portrayal of my faith to the outside world. It was such a huge, important part of my identity growing up-- and i loved having that as a primary ingredient in what made me, ME. But that girl; the girl i was, and the people that were a part of her life, feel so alien to me now.
Growing up Southern Baptist in the South with an awesome youth group certainly had it's advantages, and probably kept me out of the path trouble more times then i could conceive of. I was a good kid...by all means; a GREAT kid. I didn't flirt with danger, i didn't miss curfew, i didn't go too far with boys, i didn't cuss, drink, or get invited to any of the places where such things happened. Everyone knew who i was; i was bonafide!
But that "Christian" life -- a life where one speaks constantly about God's goodness, biblical passages, and looks at the world & sees 'them' and 'us'...it's just not a life i could lead today. Nothing about it feels authentic or real to me anymore...and that's what makes me a little sad. I guess it's a loss of innocence, hmm?
I sometimes wonder if i would have lead a less tumultuous life if i didn't question things so much, and just accepted all path's as God's Will. But what IS that anyway ~ this"God's Will...?" Isn't it really just our own psyche trying to find answers to the unanswerable? Trying to justify choices we make, tragedies we survive, good fortune (or "blessings") we receive...isn't it just in our innate nature to twist the unexplained, bending it to our will -- morphing it into something that has definition...substance...answers...? Isn't all of it mostly and truly about comfort from that that which we fear..death and the unknown?
It's just not in me anymore, to look at coincidence and chance and see divine intervention...i don't look at the world and wonder of "Him" -- i see a cosmic happening that occured through eons of constantly evolving molecules & matter, bringing us, after hundreds of thousands of years, up to date. Not very faith-based, is it? Hmmm...
Dunno why i took off on that tangent. Seeing Cheryl just made me think about all that...and what made me sad was that i almost wish i could go back to the girl who never questioned what she'd been taught in church. I wish, on some level, i could have continued my life - oblivious to logic and science. I see many i grew up with (on Facebook) and they're leading what APPEARS to be satisfying, fulfilling lives centered around family and faith. That could've been me.
Hmmm....that could've been me...
It's so strange to think about...
Anyway -- back to the now; i worked out yesterday, via the walk on the beach, and also did a 20 min bike ride, managing to get over 11,000 steps for the day. I ate pretty well, and didn't go nuts while we were at the beach, opting for a blackened red-fish Po'boy (1/2 the roll) WITH tartar sauce, AND a real coke. ;o) And still; i was down to 175 toda! :o)
This is a little dangerous, i think, isn't it? I'm finding i can still lose weight while actually living by the 80/20 rule -- eat right/ do right 80% of the time, and indulge the other 20%. Is it possible to be healthy, and Syndrome W free--or more importantly DIABETES FREE -- living this way? I have a feeling i'm going to test these limits, just because i know i can.
Well, at least for now, i can. There may come a point, and probably will, where these indiscretions lead to plateaus and weight gains. Interesting how instead of doing the right thing and just halting all indulgences, i internally insist on flirting with that line in the sand. I guess i just don't know how (or more truthfully don't WANT TO) do it any other way...
What does that say about me?
Is there God's Will in any of that, ya figure? ;o)
A gal-pal from high-school --someone i hadn't seen since 1981!! -- came into town for the day yesterday, and we spent it walking along the beach with her daughter, reminiscing about our high-school youth. It was fun & amazing, but left me a little melancholy. It was SO great to catch up...but it made it all the more clear just how far i've gotten from my adolescence, the kind of life i lead back then, and my faith-based roots. Life sure seemed much more simple back then, that's for sure.
It's been a long time since i've thought about those times; when i was a young, exuberant, Bible-belted gal, singing praises for "the Lord" (jeez, even writing that feels weird!), chronically concerned about my 'witness' --or portrayal of my faith to the outside world. It was such a huge, important part of my identity growing up-- and i loved having that as a primary ingredient in what made me, ME. But that girl; the girl i was, and the people that were a part of her life, feel so alien to me now.
Growing up Southern Baptist in the South with an awesome youth group certainly had it's advantages, and probably kept me out of the path trouble more times then i could conceive of. I was a good kid...by all means; a GREAT kid. I didn't flirt with danger, i didn't miss curfew, i didn't go too far with boys, i didn't cuss, drink, or get invited to any of the places where such things happened. Everyone knew who i was; i was bonafide!
But that "Christian" life -- a life where one speaks constantly about God's goodness, biblical passages, and looks at the world & sees 'them' and 'us'...it's just not a life i could lead today. Nothing about it feels authentic or real to me anymore...and that's what makes me a little sad. I guess it's a loss of innocence, hmm?
I sometimes wonder if i would have lead a less tumultuous life if i didn't question things so much, and just accepted all path's as God's Will. But what IS that anyway ~ this"God's Will...?" Isn't it really just our own psyche trying to find answers to the unanswerable? Trying to justify choices we make, tragedies we survive, good fortune (or "blessings") we receive...isn't it just in our innate nature to twist the unexplained, bending it to our will -- morphing it into something that has definition...substance...answers...? Isn't all of it mostly and truly about comfort from that that which we fear..death and the unknown?
It's just not in me anymore, to look at coincidence and chance and see divine intervention...i don't look at the world and wonder of "Him" -- i see a cosmic happening that occured through eons of constantly evolving molecules & matter, bringing us, after hundreds of thousands of years, up to date. Not very faith-based, is it? Hmmm...
Dunno why i took off on that tangent. Seeing Cheryl just made me think about all that...and what made me sad was that i almost wish i could go back to the girl who never questioned what she'd been taught in church. I wish, on some level, i could have continued my life - oblivious to logic and science. I see many i grew up with (on Facebook) and they're leading what APPEARS to be satisfying, fulfilling lives centered around family and faith. That could've been me.
Hmmm....that could've been me...
It's so strange to think about...
Anyway -- back to the now; i worked out yesterday, via the walk on the beach, and also did a 20 min bike ride, managing to get over 11,000 steps for the day. I ate pretty well, and didn't go nuts while we were at the beach, opting for a blackened red-fish Po'boy (1/2 the roll) WITH tartar sauce, AND a real coke. ;o) And still; i was down to 175 toda! :o)
This is a little dangerous, i think, isn't it? I'm finding i can still lose weight while actually living by the 80/20 rule -- eat right/ do right 80% of the time, and indulge the other 20%. Is it possible to be healthy, and Syndrome W free--or more importantly DIABETES FREE -- living this way? I have a feeling i'm going to test these limits, just because i know i can.
Well, at least for now, i can. There may come a point, and probably will, where these indiscretions lead to plateaus and weight gains. Interesting how instead of doing the right thing and just halting all indulgences, i internally insist on flirting with that line in the sand. I guess i just don't know how (or more truthfully don't WANT TO) do it any other way...
What does that say about me?
Is there God's Will in any of that, ya figure? ;o)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Back on track ~ after an indulgence of donuts
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So, i ended up at Krispy Kreme yesterday. Truthfully; i fully intended to make that run, from the beginning of the day. Heck! I think i planned on it from the night before! I was gonna go -- i wasn't trying real hard not to.
And not only did i not have to drive by it to get to where i was going (the storage unit nearby), i went out of my way to get there. I ordered my customary 6 donuts (2 glazed, 2 chocolate, 1 lemon filled, and one chocolate-iced cream filled) and went home. I fixed me a big glass of cold milk, planted myself in front of the TV and gobbled. And surprisingly; they did not live up to my expectations. Perhaps last week's donuts were fresher; i dunno -- but these just weren't very good. Certainly not good enough to merit going WAY off the wagon for.
This much i do know; i no longer crave them, and the negative reinforcement of being let down is at least a temporary fix. So...i finished out the day by having my mid aftn. snack, a NDFH dinner, and have just had my NDFH b'fast. It's rainy and icky out and i'm tempted to go back to sleep, but am trying to gear up for a 30-45 min bike ride instead. Might be a nice day to ride, then sauna for 30, shower....and THEN take a nap. The sauna always makes me sleepy...that's why i like to do it at night, before bed. And i don't have to work til 4:30...
I need to get taxes ready today, and fill out paper-work for our rebate on some appliances we bought for the kitchen remodel. I should also get the house more organized and livable, so i don't feel so discombobulated and out of sorts. That lends to eating badly for me...i can't wait for the kitchen to be done, so i can start really cooking again.
Anyway~ i'm back on track and looking forward to feeling physically better than i've been, consuming copious amounts of sugar and flour. Let's see if i can get myself back under 175
again. ;o)
BTW: i included this hideous picture of me, because i need to post all the unflattering pics of me i usually delete or make certain nobody ever sees. It's funny how my vanity has taken hold, with regard to our photo albums...i'm very hard pressed to find even one pic that isn't flattering of me, which is very, very telling. Coz i know it's not that i haven't had any taken; i simply discard them as soon as they're taken...
Monday, March 15, 2010
March 15 -- back up 4.8 lbs ~ DRATS!
But , that's not all together too surprising. Tom and i indulged for a friend's birthday this weekend. The wine and Crown & Cokes were flowing, and i ate without discretion yesterday, to quell the hang-over. Dumb. But, i think with some due-diligence and many steps, i can reign it in without it getting out of control. Not that none of that weight is actual 'fat', but i always retain a ton of fluid after a night of drinking, and the pizza that almost always follows. i suspect most of that weight is just that; water. If it's gone in 3-4 days -- i will have been right.
I have a goal to lose another 10 lbs in 2 months (that's 10 lbs from the 174.8 -- where i was a few days ago). I've lost 15 in about 70 days, so i THINK i can do 10 in 60. If i can manage 5 lbs a month...i'll be very, very happy. The nutritionist said that losing ANY weight at the 'intervention' stage of the illness (Syndrome W) is darn-near impossible. The "intervention' stage is the first 6 months, according to her. So, the fact that i've done well already leaves me hopeful. Andi did that, even with several days of non-diet behaviour. That leaves me more hopeful still!
However; at our friend's party (a 20-person limo-ride all over town, bar-hopping. It was a BLAST! and a much needed break from our kitchen remodel for Tom and me), i took pictures all night, and had some friends take pics with me in them -- and again; i'm shocked at the chubby, un-cute gal i see. It's amazing that i can FEEL so cute when i'm out (and i do, which is strange, right?) -- and yet when i see what i looked like while out and feeling so cute; i wonder -- what was i thinking?? How can i feel one way inside, and LOOK another on the outside? Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't my self-esteem been waning? Shouldn't i feel LESS cute when i'm clearly fat? What IS that?
OH, and btw: I'm craving donuts. I must be in some kind of spiral from all the sugar/starchy carbs eaten over the last several days. You know; eat sugar/ crave sugar...? I indulged at Krispy Kreme last week, after getting the good news of my weight loss. Can you believe that? I get great news about a significant weight loss...and how do i reward myself...? With a yummy, starchy, sweet treat. I just don't seem to know how to do it any other way.
Don't get me wrong; i know of all the other 'rewards' people are supposed to use -- mani/pedi's, a new dress, a massage, a new CD, a nice, long walk, etc -- that's all great; but none of those FEEL like a reward to this girl. I'm so rooted in food, i struggle with the concept of feeling truly rewarded with anything else. Why is that? And even tho i know i wanna break that pattern; something in me resists. Something in me still clings to that dysfunction...i want to be able to reward myself with food and have it be okay. Even tho i know it's destructive and dangerous...
am i crazy?
The house is in chaos because of the kitchen remodel...and THAT has me frazzled. My knee is aching because of some dancing i did on Sat night, and that has me frustrated. I'm supposed to see an orthopedist to consult about it...i'm ready for it to be healed and well. It's been 5 months, and that's long enough for me ot live with an injury...
I'm just feeling out of sorts. I need to regain the composure of my walks/bike rides/ and healthy eating. I need to conjure some fucking discipline. I need to act like a grown-up and do what's responsible for my health.
I'm headed out the door to drop off some stuff to our storage unit. It's right next to Krispy Kreme...should i leave that for another day? Just so i'm not so tempted? That'd be the smart thing to do.
But; i'm not always so smart...
Friday, March 12, 2010
bad couple'a days...*(found this draft from last week)
This week i got great news from my nutritionist; i'd lost significant weight and inches! So, i did well diet-wise for the remainder of that day so that my labs would be good the next morning -- then bought and ate 6 Krispy Kreme donuts. I'd actually been kinda planning that little bit of defiant food-binge. I felt appropriately icky and sick after, and had a NDFH dinner. OH! Except i had a coke (full sugar coke!) with it. Dumb!
BUT; today, after letting myself get too hungry because of missing lunch, i had a Filet O'fish meal form McD's -- with a chocolate shake and an apple pie! Geeze! Is this that ugly Saboteur that keeps me ill and fat? Do i know any other way to reward myself for doing well other than food? The thing is; i DO. I mean -- people will rattle off all the things i should do reward-wise (mani's/pedis, shopping for a new something, massage, new CD, etc) - and yes; those all sound good. But what REALLY excites me is a really yummy treat. Sorry; it's just the way it is.
How am i gonna change that?
BUT; today, after letting myself get too hungry because of missing lunch, i had a Filet O'fish meal form McD's -- with a chocolate shake and an apple pie! Geeze! Is this that ugly Saboteur that keeps me ill and fat? Do i know any other way to reward myself for doing well other than food? The thing is; i DO. I mean -- people will rattle off all the things i should do reward-wise (mani's/pedis, shopping for a new something, massage, new CD, etc) - and yes; those all sound good. But what REALLY excites me is a really yummy treat. Sorry; it's just the way it is.
How am i gonna change that?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Great report from the nutritionist!!
I received A+++'s from my nutritionist today! I had a a total of 9.6 lbs lost since my last visit & a couple of inches lost! Yea for ME! :o) Getting my labs done tomorrow to make sure my insulin levels are good. I'm very, very hopeful!
Weight: 174.8
Exercise; 25 min walk / 30 min bike ride
Steps: 11,860 (9410 aerobic)
Weight: 174.8
Exercise; 25 min walk / 30 min bike ride
Steps: 11,860 (9410 aerobic)
174.8!!
This is the first time i've been below 175 in...i dunno; 2 years...? Something like that. Once the Syndrome "W" (which stands for 'waist', by the way -- and here's some interesting info on it: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-syndrome-w.htm) weight set in; it's been like concrete; fierce and steady and relentless. No matter what i did, i could NOT drop below 175. I'm encouraged this morning, as i venture off to the nutritionist to be weighed, that perhaps i'm finally on the right track.
I'm also thinking i'll put the P90X-idea on the back-burner for now. I'm rather enjoying my routine at present (walk for 30 mins with Addison, my dog -- stationary-bike for 30 mins while the sauna gets hot, then roast for 30 mins to wrap it all up!), and it appears to be yeilding me positive results; so why mess with progress? I'm officially down 15.2 lbs as of this morning.
If/when i get to 170 -- i'll rethink the P90x. That sounds reasonable, right? I mean; i'm not chicken-shitting out'; i promise! i'm just letting my body get stronger (and a little lighter) before i tackle something that sounds, to be honest, a bit overwhelming right now, with all it's plyometrics and such. The idea of bursts of jumping into the air at this weight, and with this knee, sounds scary to me. I have an appt with the doc tomorrow to check on my knee, which IS better (remember that diagnosis of Chondromalacia Patella?) -- as in; i can walk on it with very little discomfort/pain, but; it's STILL constantly swollen, and i still have to nurse it the first few steps every time i get out of a chair. I'm wondering if it needs draining...Guess the doc will tell me that tomorrow.
In any case; once i'm a little lighter for my injured knee; i'll tackle the P90x. Putting it off is the smarter thing to do at this stage, i believe. It's really not about me being a'skeered. Really!
Yeah; that's it.
I'm also thinking i'll put the P90X-idea on the back-burner for now. I'm rather enjoying my routine at present (walk for 30 mins with Addison, my dog -- stationary-bike for 30 mins while the sauna gets hot, then roast for 30 mins to wrap it all up!), and it appears to be yeilding me positive results; so why mess with progress? I'm officially down 15.2 lbs as of this morning.
If/when i get to 170 -- i'll rethink the P90x. That sounds reasonable, right? I mean; i'm not chicken-shitting out'; i promise! i'm just letting my body get stronger (and a little lighter) before i tackle something that sounds, to be honest, a bit overwhelming right now, with all it's plyometrics and such. The idea of bursts of jumping into the air at this weight, and with this knee, sounds scary to me. I have an appt with the doc tomorrow to check on my knee, which IS better (remember that diagnosis of Chondromalacia Patella?) -- as in; i can walk on it with very little discomfort/pain, but; it's STILL constantly swollen, and i still have to nurse it the first few steps every time i get out of a chair. I'm wondering if it needs draining...Guess the doc will tell me that tomorrow.
In any case; once i'm a little lighter for my injured knee; i'll tackle the P90x. Putting it off is the smarter thing to do at this stage, i believe. It's really not about me being a'skeered. Really!
Yeah; that's it.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Health Check Up
I go in tomorrow for my 3rd appt with my nutritionist since Jan 5th -- the official START date of my health-make-over. I'm doing okay with The NDFH, but pretty far from perfect. Last night i had a perfectly Somersized dinner (something i USED to follow) of salad, lean protein, steamed veggies, some fat, via dressing, followed by a piece of Vanilla Bean Cheese-cake. Definitely NOT on The NDFH. Actually --my meal wasn't followed by it. I ordered it delivered WITH my salad, as i always do--because; who wants to eat dessert when they're all full and can't enjoy it?? So, i ate about 1/3 of it then, and the rest...somewhere along the way. It was yummy and i thoroughly enjoyed it; but i've indulged in sweets too often lately. Almost every day i have something sweet. Not a ton of it; but something that could very well be throwing all of my other efforts off kilter.
I've been on a roll exercise-wise. Nothing crazy, and not every single day -- but 4-5 days a week. I'm trying to get in a 30 min walk at some point, then end my day with a 30 minute rigorous stationary-bike ride, followed by a 30 minute roast in the sauna. It's actually become a nice way to end the day. It's not like i look forward to it; don't get me wrong. But i don't hate it--and that's already HUGE for me. And plus; i have that nice n' relaxing bake in the hot-box to look forward to. Showering after, with the heavenly scent of lavender wafting about, and then crawling into bed -- totally spent, and all scrubbed and clean--makes falling asleep positively dreamy.
I'm a little concerned about tomorrow's weigh in, tho. I know i've lost weight since my last visit, but always have this irrational fear that i'll somehow retain tons of water right before (the NIGHT before!) such things ~ something not outside the realm of what my body often does ~ leading to extra lbs on the scale, and a very disappointed & embarrassed me. I'd be totally deflated if i wasn't down the 9 lbs MY scale says i am since my last weigh-in. BUT...no sense in jumping that gun. Right? I get my labs done again on Thur -- just to see if the Fortamet is working (my anti-diabetes medicine). i think i called it by the wrong name in another post. Oops! Sorry. In any case; the last time my blood was tested...it wasn't working. I'm hoping that by now, my cells are accepting the medication and opening their doors to all the circulating insulin floating around in my body - making me bloated, tired, and thick in the middle. I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed! Gotta try really hard to stay on track for the next several days; to get a good reading on the scale tomorrow, AND to get a good result from the lab on Thur.
I've been on a roll exercise-wise. Nothing crazy, and not every single day -- but 4-5 days a week. I'm trying to get in a 30 min walk at some point, then end my day with a 30 minute rigorous stationary-bike ride, followed by a 30 minute roast in the sauna. It's actually become a nice way to end the day. It's not like i look forward to it; don't get me wrong. But i don't hate it--and that's already HUGE for me. And plus; i have that nice n' relaxing bake in the hot-box to look forward to. Showering after, with the heavenly scent of lavender wafting about, and then crawling into bed -- totally spent, and all scrubbed and clean--makes falling asleep positively dreamy.
I'm a little concerned about tomorrow's weigh in, tho. I know i've lost weight since my last visit, but always have this irrational fear that i'll somehow retain tons of water right before (the NIGHT before!) such things ~ something not outside the realm of what my body often does ~ leading to extra lbs on the scale, and a very disappointed & embarrassed me. I'd be totally deflated if i wasn't down the 9 lbs MY scale says i am since my last weigh-in. BUT...no sense in jumping that gun. Right? I get my labs done again on Thur -- just to see if the Fortamet is working (my anti-diabetes medicine). i think i called it by the wrong name in another post. Oops! Sorry. In any case; the last time my blood was tested...it wasn't working. I'm hoping that by now, my cells are accepting the medication and opening their doors to all the circulating insulin floating around in my body - making me bloated, tired, and thick in the middle. I'm keeping fingers and toes crossed! Gotta try really hard to stay on track for the next several days; to get a good reading on the scale tomorrow, AND to get a good result from the lab on Thur.
I'm considering something that i feel might be too big for me; a purchase of the P90X series -- a very tough, hard-core DVD workout series to be done 6 days a week. I'm intimidated by that fact alone; 6 days every week of balls-to-the-wall workouts. But... I keep seeing the informercial for it -- over and over nad over again...taunting me.
i have friends using the program that are seeing amazing results. Granted; they're men--and don't have Syndrome W. But, there's something about that mental image; picturing myself seeing the changes in the mirror, in my clothes, that stays with me...haunting me. Just don't know if i'm up for it...and yet; i can't shake the desire to try. ...something in me wants to try.
Of course; there's that other side of me, the side that often wins in these battles-of-will, that argues i'll likely give it a good go for a week or so, then (like most other programs), become overwhelmed or bored and set it aside. This sucks...i feel that voice inside me wanting to grab this bull by the horns and say "I CAN!" -- and just go for it! I just haven't decided if i'm strong enough to listen to it or not...
Weight: didn't weigh
Exercise: 245 min walk/ 35 min bike
Steps; 12,440 step (10,113 aerobic)
Monday, March 8, 2010
Baxter
Our cat is missing...
Baxter started having seizures 2 weeks ago. He saw the vet, and we started giving him Phenobarbital, and he hasn't had another one since. He was given antibiotics to treat the parasitic-induced infection that may have caused the seizures. It's been a chore, and like something from the Three Stooges, watching Tom & me try to administer-said meds, but Tom managed to develop a method that did the trick. Wham, Bam -- and down the hatch!
Baxter started having seizures 2 weeks ago. He saw the vet, and we started giving him Phenobarbital, and he hasn't had another one since. He was given antibiotics to treat the parasitic-induced infection that may have caused the seizures. It's been a chore, and like something from the Three Stooges, watching Tom & me try to administer-said meds, but Tom managed to develop a method that did the trick. Wham, Bam -- and down the hatch!
I'd decided that while he was ill w/seizures -- i'd keep him indoors, possibly turn him into an inside-only cat. He's been an indoor/outdoor cat (complete with two cat-doors, for his convenience) since we took him in 5 years ago...So, he's been allowed the luxury of wandering about as he pleases.
The 10 days he was inside made both of us stir-crazy. Once he'd started feeling better, and was yearning for the sanctity of soft grass and trees with bark to sharpen his claw on; he displayed his restlessness and impatience by walking on every available surface in the house--mindless of the lamps, pictures, accessories that crashed to the floor. I feared for my lovely home, and since he was seizure free--granted him outdoor privileges. He almost always stayed on our driveway or back-deck anyway -- so i thought; where's the harm...?
Only now it's been almost 24 hours since we've seen him. For some reason; I don't suspect he's having more seizures, making him vulnerable to outside forces because of them (ie; other animals, cars, etc). I have other fears...
My REAL fear is that he was taken. Although we live in what's considered one of the nicer neighborhoods of our town; we have a house-full of unsavories living across the street. The house has been a constant source of resentment and anger for my husband, myself and our other neighbors. Vagrants, drug-addicts, & alcoholics now call this house "home" --shacking up with the elderly fella (also a drug-addict) that owns it. For 5 years we've watched every version of criminals, gangsters, and addicts meander in and out of that house. They don't seem to understand that they're in the wrong neighborhood. This is NOT the Barrio!! And it's mostly because of them that i fear the worse. I don't know why i feel they're involved somehow; but he didn't have his collar on yesterday (have to take it off to control him when medicating him), and strange people file in and out of that house, day and night, so someone could've easily snatched him, claiming they thought he was a stray. Baxter is the most personable cat i've ever seen...he was leery of no-one, and every human (and most dogs!) were his friend. It would be easy, i suppose, for an unsavory person to take our cat. And because of a recent case involving animal cruelty and dismemberment i read online; i have horrible, grotesque ideas drumming around in my head...
My gut instinct tells me there's something terribly wrong...Please, God; let me be wrong.
Baxter, please come home!
Baxter, please come home!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Tom and me, Dec 2009. I wore this dress to his company Christmas party thinking it was the perfect comfortable holiday dress, which it was...i just had no idea it completely exposed how heavy i was. So much for the theory of wearing things that don't cling, eah?
I told myself i'd never show this picture to anyone, even though Tom looks very handsome here -- because i was too embarrassed and ashamed of how I (!) looked...and we all know; it's all about me, right?
Despite having many pictures taken of me over the years; i'm still not used to seeing this chubby, cherub face...not used to seeing those thick calves, and definitely not used to knowing the world looks at me and sees "overweight, middle-aged woman"...
I'm still working on setting that ego aside, so posted this forbidden picture here...i can't deny it any longer.
This is who i am.
And this is what i look like.
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