Back on track -- but...

still feeling icky from the indulgences of the weekend/early part of the week. I'm not gonna weigh myself tho...lest i become discouraged.

i decided to deem the last 5-6 days Fat-Lovers-FREE, and make yesterday our continuation of the 21 day plan...ie; Tom and i did Saturday thru Fri of last week (7 days) -- so yesterday would've been day 8. Maybe this way we can make sure we do all that's required of the plan...coz i still need to buy some items he wanted us ot have for the 2nd week (vitamins, supplements).
Wanna do it right...

I started a new challenge on Facebook for my pedometer club members. Did i tell you? We're doing a virtual-walk-across-the-states (starting with Florida; Key West to Pensacola-- 847 miles total) -- and i did 9.6 miles yesterday -- i was trying to get 10 in.

I really made me tired, tho. I walked for 30 minutes, biked for another 35, and was just busy puttering around all day and got 18,000 or so steps (i need 19,000 to garner 10 miles) -- and by the end of the aftn, i was ca put! I was gonna try to do another 10 miles today, but it sounds so daunting at this second...

Maybe i'll feel more rested as the day goes on...i'm trying to do 50 miles a week...so that i'm done with this jaunt before the end of summer -- and, who are we kidding here...? I'd like to WIN! To get there first! :o) And i feel this goal will keep me movitaved and moving...and not brushing it off if i know the other pedomter-step-monsters are getting huge numbers, which they tend to do.

Anyway -- just checking in and saying that i'm glad to be back on track. I so wanted to be about 15 lbs lighter by the time we left for vacation...don't think that'll happen now. :o( Oh well...

Have had a bad couple of days...

I ended up at Wal-Mart getting a gift for somebody, and walked by the bakery section. What was there...staring me right in the face?? A smallish coconut cake. What'd i do --when faced with this temptation? Why, i bought it of course!

i'm so weak. It's pathetic.

But listen to this; i ate 2 or so pieces throughout the night, then covered it back up and set it in the trash can. The next day -- since it hadn't been 'touched' by trash...i got it back out and finished it. Not all in one sitting, but before the night was through, that's for sure!

THEN, i did well yesterday...planning to get back on track. i worked out (walked, biked -- got 8.3 miles towards our "virtual" walk across Florida) and ate well, and today...when faced with my last day before Tom comes home -- what'd i choose to do? Because i won't have 'privacy', and can't eat in secret once Tom's home -- so, because time is almost out, I ordered a pizza...and the clincher; it didn't even taste good!! What a waste of energy, time, $$, and calories!! I'm gonna take some Metamucil and see if i can move it thru quicker...

I went to lunch with my friend Dez, and i had a healthy fat-loss plate, but then we split a dessert, after i'd already had my 'fast carb' of potatoes. I ate my mid-aftn snack (protein bar), then came home and ordered my stupid pizza.

My stomach has been squirrely ever since. I didn't work out...was on the verge of diarrhea all night long, and just didn't have it in me to work hard while my stomach was so queasy.

BUT: i have plans to rise early...walk Addison for 30 mins, and immediately come home and get on my bike for 20-30 mins...then do another 20 mins or so tomorrow night -- and then sauna. I'm behind with the whole program and need to get back on board. Exercise isn't such a huge part of it at this stage, but i'm hoping if i work out a lot; i can neutralize the damage caused by the cake and pizza.

What do you think? Am i only dreaming?
And who eats out of a trash can?? What the fuck is that about?? Does that say something about self-worth? Or was it more about that was just where the cake happened to be?

Clearly; that's an emotional issue...not a food one. It's not like i'm a starving person who has no food, except for what's in the trash. It was more like a ghostly pied-piper, made up of white flour and sugar...sitting in that can, calling to me..."i'm still clean...come eat me! I'll be gone soon, and you'll regret it if you don't!" -- dumb.

k, it's late and i'm pooped.
Am determined to have a better food/exercise day tomorrow!
It all starts with a plan...just got STICK WITH IT!!

Tom returns tomorrow night, and not a day too soon. Clearly; i'm not ready to be alone, or strong enough not to resort to old, dysfunctional behavior.

I weighed 174 this AM...3 lbs up.

Shit.

Didn't FULLY go-off track, only a little

...but did NOT buy the coconut cake i SO wanted to buy yesterday. :o/

I was actually driving in that direction when i decided to be good to myself and NOT do what my old-patterns would have me do. Instead; i went to HEB and bought some food for the next 5-6 days that are Food Lover's Friendly, rented a couple of movies, and enjoyed an evening on the sofa...

My house is super-clean, the pool is sparkling, and i'm enjoying this time alone. I figured out a way to wedge something under the bedroom door, too -- so i'm not constantly awakened by strange house-sounds and freaked out. This way; nobody can get in. Not without making a lot of noise; and if that happens...Mr. 38 Special will be ready & waiting. :o)

I DID indulge a little bit, tho -- i bought a cheese log and had about 1/2 of it on whole grain crackers. I'm only supposed to have about 4-5 crackers, and i had easily double that-- and more cheese than i needed. And a little later, i had 2 of the Organic toaster-pastries we're allowed (they're actually ON the approved-snack-list), with a little butter on them. It was all yummy, but i was uncomfortably full and looked forward to getting back on track today.

I DID weigh myself just to see if i caused much damage and was up less than a lb, but still up. I think if i do well today, and exercise, i'll be fine. A girlfriend invited me out for drinks/dinner tonight tho -- so i'm not sure how to handle that.

I would LIKE to have a drink, but dunno if it'd be worth it. Two nights off the wagon may be too much; especially if this 'night out' isn't worth it on the fun-o-meter. Meaning; if it were to lead to a fun night of singing/dancing, etc -- it'd be totally worth it! But if it's just food and drinks...nah. Not so much. Know what i mean?

Anyway ~ i'm gonna walk the dogs now, then come home and shower, see a movie, do a little shopping, then come home and float in the pool for a bit before getting my toes done. Then i'm off to meet my girlfriend for drinks/dinner. I LOVE Sat's like this...and as much as i enjoy Tom's company; i'm loving having this time to do as i please...with no one to consider by myself...

Does that make me selfish??

Day 6 of the Food Lovers Fat Loss Program

And i'm feeling good! Every time a couple of hours has passed and i feel that insane-hunger approaching, i rejoice; coz i know i'm in fat-burning mode!

I've gotten back on my walking-regimen, and have challenged a few of my FB pedometer club-members to a Pick-a- State-Walkathon. We're going to walk the entire strip of Florida -- from Key West to Pensacola -- 833 virtual miles. I figure - if i can do about 7 miles per day, it'll take me til the end of summer-- about August.

We're not supposed to weigh ourselves anymore, til the 21 days are up, but i'm SO tempted to! I won't, tho -- i'll be good. What i'm worried about is Tom is leaving town for 6 days and i would normally use this time alone to indulge for at least 24 hours. I really don't want to do that. I wanna be loving towards myself and stay on program; reward myself by doing WELL! I still have that internal battle raging inside my head tho...

Gonna try to stock up on good, yummy snacks/meal items so i'm not tempted to get the coconut cake i so desperately THINK i want. ;o)

The kitchen is coming along, atho we hit a few snags this week. We've been delayed, but are moving forward now. I've seen some wonderful sounding recipes that are totally Fat-Loss-friendly in the program's books that i'm dying to try once the kitchen is finished. Can't wait!!

I still feel incredibly optimistic and like this is really gonna happen this time! I hope i'm not in denial. ;o)

173.3 yesterday

i've finally busted through that 175 floor!! Yea!! And, am noticing a marked difference in how i feel since starting the Food Lovers Fat Loss System. We're eating constantly -- because we CAN, and because my body is so ready for food after 2-3 hours, i feel i might literally faint! -- and that in itself seems to have ramped up my metabolism. I love the kinds of snacks we're allowed to have, love that i can have starchy-carbs in moderation (even sweet treats), and think Tom and i could realistically do some version of this forever.

I feel very optimistic about this...but am worried that my expectations are too high. I've had remarkable results with many different 'plans" (Low-fat, Atkins, Sommersizing, Protein Power Plan, etc) -- but this plan makes the most sense to me. We're eating mostly organic foods (expensive, but oh well) -- and can have anything we want...in moderation. We just have to combine it with the right OTHER foods; to make a 'fat-loss' meal.

The thing he said (we have CD's to listen to, as well as several books, and workout DVDS) that i like the best is that when your body gets to the point where it's super-hunger within 2-3 hours after your last meal or snack; that means your system is in fat-burning mode. When it's NOT hungry after that amount of time; it's still in 'storing' mode.

So; every time i'm super-hungry after 2-3 hours, i like knowing that i'm burning fat and utilizing all the food i'd eaten a few short hours before, and not storing any of it. He also explained in really simple terms how the body processes glucose/sugars/simple and complex carbs. Imagining this (coz i'm very visual) really helps as well; and makes it even more clear as to why cardio helps so much with fat-loss.

He explained it like this; when we eat carbs and insulin is secreted, it (the insulin) acts like an Usher. It "ushers" the glucose/sugars into the cells where it's carried into the blood-stream, and taken to one of 3 places for 'use'.

1) the liver. If the liver has room, and isn't already full of glucose; it'll accept the new glucose. If not...it goes to

2) the muscles. If the muscles are emptied of glucose/glycogen (ie; glycogen depletion) --then they will accept this new supply of sugars. They become emptied thru exercise and use --which is why cardio is so great when partnered with this kind of diet. BUT; if the muscles are still too full, because they haven't been USED for exercise -- then it goes to...

3) fat cells. The fat cells are NEVER, never, never too full to accept more -- and will continue to accept any and all that are brought to them. Hence; an infinite number of fat-cells ready to be filled.

This visual picture really helps me to understand the importance of 'burning calories thru exercise'...and why i'm going to go for my walk and ride my bike today! :o) The more emptied my muscles are of excess glucose; the more that can be stored there -- for muscle building, and to simply keep any excess OUT of my fat-cells, which -- let's face it; are already full enough!!

When i think about it and remember back to the days when i lost the most weight, quickly and easily (i keep thinking about when i lost 35 lbs in about 6 weeks back in '92) -- i was eating every 2-3 hours (tons of grapefruit -- several times a day), drinking a ton of water, using my stair-climber every night (min 5x's a week) for 60 mins, and eating whole-foods. I didn't abstain from sugar, but i didn't take in a lot of it.

That was when i actually felt the healthiest in my life. I rarely got sick, my skin and hair looked great, and i was the size/shape i wanted to be.

That's what i have in my head now. I don't need to weigh 110 lbs like i did in high-school. I want to retain my curves and boobs...getting back down to 130 (43 lbs away -- 60 lbs total from the 'start' in Jan, 2010) will suit me just fine!

IF my body, just by virtue of being fed properly and healthfully, naturally goes to a lower weight...that'd be fine. But i won't force it.

Yep! I feel very optimistic. I feel like i can do this...and not feel like i'm giving anything up. Once the 21 Day Induction Phase is over (16 days to go) -- there will be very few restrictions. Looking forward to just feeling in control and watching that scale drop every week. We're not supposed to weigh until the end of our 21 days...i may get one last one in this morning. Am a little afraid i might've gained a lb in the night (always a fear of mine), but i wanna see...

k, will check in later.

feeling better, atho

I had to cheat yesterday on the cleanse/detox. Maybe this was all in my head; but i was starting to feel ill from the lack of what i perceived was protein. There's only 1 scoop of protein powder in each smoothie (3x's a day), and it just didn't seem like enough to balance out the meds i take. All i'm getting is fruit/sugars all day long...so i had 5 crackers and 2 slices of cheese. I didn't feel so great after that; bloated, over-full, but by the evening...i felt more stable.

This morning, i was very "productive" in the restroom...perhaps this cleanse is finally working. I'm looking forward to, and dreading, the next phase; the actual Food Lovers Fast Lost System DIET (or WOE; Way Of Eating) itself...only because i wonder if it'll be any different for me than what i was supposed to be doing all along...

I'm sure that if i were to follow my NDFH Diet --i'd be WAY ahead of where i am now. I'm too busy wanting other things; craving and allowing other things...which is why i was HOPING this cleanse/ detox would break me of any sugar-cravings...something it SAYS its supposed to do.

Haven't exercised much this week. Didn't do ANY at all last week...i could give lots of excuses, but the truth is; i haven't felt like it. The house has been full of fumes from the staining process on the cabinets, and that doesn't lend itself to indoor bike-riding. I'm trying not to walk too much, because my Orthoped. advised i NOT use walking for my 'exercise'...but i WANT to. Jeez; i'm not a power-walker...i just walk the dog!

So, i've decided that if my knee continues to improve over time, which it has been -- SLOWLY, but there IS less swelling--then i'm going to walk my 30 mins with Addison every other day or so. I'd like to do it more; or at least, i SAY i'd like to -- but i never really get my 5 days a week in.
Hmmmm....I dunno why i don't. I clearly have the time; most days, anyway. It's almost as if i get the idea that 3-4 days is "enough" in my head, and if i've reached that, i let myself off the hook if i'm tired, or just don't feel like it. Dumb. That could be keeping me where i am weight-wise.

Anyway -- we have Dexter with us again for a couple of weeks. He's easy to care for and not a bother, but i do have to watch the door more, coz he's small. I'm gonna TRY to walk Addison and Dex at the same time this AM. Maybe it'll be easier than walking just Addison, who -- until he tires a little--keeps wanting to be out in front. I'm constantly reeling him in via "Cesar's Method" -- but it tires me and on some level; frustrates me. I just want him to WALK without me having to constantly correct him. Perhaps it's my frustration that keeps him pulling on that leash. Hmmm....food for thought.

Oh well... in time, with due-diligence and perseverance, i'm sure he'll improve.
K, gonna get suited up for it.

More later...
OH; haven't weighed today, because yesterday, on day 3 of our Detox/Cleanse -- i was UP 1 lb from last week! WTF?? I feel lighter today, but that could just be my imagination. I'm gonna wait and weigh on Sat -- on day 6. And on Sun; we can have solid food again! Yea!

later...

Day 3 of the Food Lovers Detox/Cleanse

and Tom's down about 6-7 lbs, and me..? Nada. Am wondering what i'm doing wrong...or is my body just perpetually stuck?? This blows...i'm tired of all the liquid, can't eat solid food yet, and want a cheeseburger.

SHIT!

Food Lovers Fot Loss System

Just came in the other day (yesterday?) and Tom and i were gonna start the detox-cleanse, but figure we'll wait til Mon, since we've both had an intestinal bug all week. I'm excited!! I hope this will be a positive experience for Tom and me...

We have to take Before/After pics for the program. UGH! That sure won't feel good, OR be pretty... :o/ But i wanna do this thing full-throttle...i don't wanna skip things that seem silly to me, or things that might make me uncomfortable.

I'm hoping Tom will be completely on board, too -- i don't intend to hand-hold him thru this process. He's gonna have to know this program as well as i do; i'm not gonna take the time to explain it all when it's right here for him to read.

I'm a little annoyed that he keeps complaining about his weight, our 'private life' (ahem!) has suffered because of his feelings about his weight, and yet; he puts forth NO effort to work-out or get involved in a real weight-loss effort. I'm out of patience with him...

Just sayin'...

been away for a while, coz

i have a bit of a stomach bug. Tom and i both seem to be sharing this one...we've both got it. No fever; no vomiting (thank GOD!) but chronic diarrhea and cramping and headache and fatigue. Oh joy...

Well, that's not the only reason i haven't written.
I kept meaning to sit down and write, but never got to it. Kept doing other things, i guess.

In any case; I had a good week last week. Worked out (biked, walked -- garnering nearly 14-15k steps every day!) almost the entire week (4 or 5 days...? Can't remember now) and got back down to 175 lbs. I'd been hovering above that for a week or so. Dunno where i am now scale-wise...haven't weighed. Am a little afraid to -- coz i FEEL so lousy. You'd think with some chronic diarrhea i'd lose a few pounds, but the foods i'm being drawn to that i THINK will make my tummy feel better aren't the healthiest choices.

I'll weigh in tomorrow, just to know where i am.

I ordered a new weight-loss program. i know, i know...seems desperate and foolish, but I watched the infomercial about 5-6 times and finally decided to just go for it. It's called the Food Lovers something or other. It's very similar to the NDFH i'm already on, but has a more structured 'program' to follow-- charts, things to fill out, markers to hit, etc.

Also; it's supposed to teach you how & when to eat the things you like (unfriendly foods) in the right combos so that you continue to lose weight -- and don't stall or gain, like i keep doing. I've been hovering at 175 for over a month now, and need to break thru that floor. I hope this will help me with that...

It felt good to be so active last week. I'm bummed i can't really do much today. I fear leaving the house will make me instantly need a restroom, and biking (the seat, anyway) puts pressure on my bum in a way that irritates it, because of all the frequent bathroom visits. I could buck-up and just endure, but i wont. I know me... and i wont. ;o)

I've been writing more on my pet-project and enjoying it. Discovered a whole entire section i'd forgotten i'd written and liked it. It was engaging, entertaining, and enthralling. All the things a good fiction should be. But, we'll see how it all comes together.

I'm looking forward to and dreading my trip to Pensacola. I long to see all my old friends, and have some absolute relaxation time with Tom, but SO wish i'd be thinner for that trip. Maybe this new program will help me get at least 15 lbs lights. If i could be at 155 (20 lbs less than now) i'd be THRILLED --but that just doesn't seem possible. Not at this stage with the difficulties i NOW have with weight loss. Used to be; i could drop it pretty fast, if i put my mind to it. But that doesn't happen anymore with this Syndrome W shit.

I just re-read the above paragraph and thought how full of shit i am. I WANT to be thinner, but am not so focused and dedicated in a way that gets me there. I want it without working TOO hard for it. What a hypocrite. I guess i'm just like everyone else; i want the wanting of it to be enough to will it...without possessing or putting forth the will to GET IT.

Shit.

Oh well...don't feel like thinking about that now.

Anyway -- will let you know when my program arrives and how it is!
May need to lay down again...