But , that's not all together too surprising. Tom and i indulged for a friend's birthday this weekend. The wine and Crown & Cokes were flowing, and i ate without discretion yesterday, to quell the hang-over. Dumb. But, i think with some due-diligence and many steps, i can reign it in without it getting out of control. Not that none of that weight is actual 'fat', but i always retain a ton of fluid after a night of drinking, and the pizza that almost always follows. i suspect most of that weight is just that; water. If it's gone in 3-4 days -- i will have been right.
I have a goal to lose another 10 lbs in 2 months (that's 10 lbs from the 174.8 -- where i was a few days ago). I've lost 15 in about 70 days, so i THINK i can do 10 in 60. If i can manage 5 lbs a month...i'll be very, very happy. The nutritionist said that losing ANY weight at the 'intervention' stage of the illness (Syndrome W) is darn-near impossible. The "intervention' stage is the first 6 months, according to her. So, the fact that i've done well already leaves me hopeful. Andi did that, even with several days of non-diet behaviour. That leaves me more hopeful still!
However; at our friend's party (a 20-person limo-ride all over town, bar-hopping. It was a BLAST! and a much needed break from our kitchen remodel for Tom and me), i took pictures all night, and had some friends take pics with me in them -- and again; i'm shocked at the chubby, un-cute gal i see. It's amazing that i can FEEL so cute when i'm out (and i do, which is strange, right?) -- and yet when i see what i looked like while out and feeling so cute; i wonder -- what was i thinking?? How can i feel one way inside, and LOOK another on the outside? Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't my self-esteem been waning? Shouldn't i feel LESS cute when i'm clearly fat? What IS that?
OH, and btw: I'm craving donuts. I must be in some kind of spiral from all the sugar/starchy carbs eaten over the last several days. You know; eat sugar/ crave sugar...? I indulged at Krispy Kreme last week, after getting the good news of my weight loss. Can you believe that? I get great news about a significant weight loss...and how do i reward myself...? With a yummy, starchy, sweet treat. I just don't seem to know how to do it any other way.
Don't get me wrong; i know of all the other 'rewards' people are supposed to use -- mani/pedi's, a new dress, a massage, a new CD, a nice, long walk, etc -- that's all great; but none of those FEEL like a reward to this girl. I'm so rooted in food, i struggle with the concept of feeling truly rewarded with anything else. Why is that? And even tho i know i wanna break that pattern; something in me resists. Something in me still clings to that dysfunction...i want to be able to reward myself with food and have it be okay. Even tho i know it's destructive and dangerous...
am i crazy?
The house is in chaos because of the kitchen remodel...and THAT has me frazzled. My knee is aching because of some dancing i did on Sat night, and that has me frustrated. I'm supposed to see an orthopedist to consult about it...i'm ready for it to be healed and well. It's been 5 months, and that's long enough for me ot live with an injury...
I'm just feeling out of sorts. I need to regain the composure of my walks/bike rides/ and healthy eating. I need to conjure some fucking discipline. I need to act like a grown-up and do what's responsible for my health.
I'm headed out the door to drop off some stuff to our storage unit. It's right next to Krispy Kreme...should i leave that for another day? Just so i'm not so tempted? That'd be the smart thing to do.
But; i'm not always so smart...
No comments:
Post a Comment