I turned 45 this year. I never thought, at this age, i'd still be talking about this. Crimminy; my 50th birthday is leering at me from just around the corner. It seems Oprah-esque, in an unfocused, bleary kind of way, to still have this wrapped so tightly around my life. And a bit surreal to be committing myself to a solution...taking a defined path, a REAL path - a declaration of sorts...back to the me I still feel like, deep down inside. It's as if a part of me and my life has been hijacked, and i'm racing to its defense. HA! And in a public forum, no doubt. Have i gone nuts? Am i setting myself up for something much bigger than i can feasibly handle? Is this yet another mind-game i play against myself?
I was once a thin person. People would look at me and think "thin" -- and then one day...i wasn't. The truth is; i still FEEL like that thin-person, and am always a little shocked when i see my reflection, or a picture of that big-fat-cow that sort of resembles me. I understand all the reasons; the whys that created my thinness (youth, anorexia, exercise, anorexia) . And i'm more than aware of the reasons for why i am now NOT. It's written, in glaring, verbose, overwrought detail -- over and over and over again -- in hundreds of journal entries over the past 20 or so years. I get it; believe me. I recognize the battle i fight with myself. Two years of counseling eased most of that inner rage...
And though a part of me STILL wants to stand up in defiance; declaring war on my past (a trying childhood/adolescence, 2 bad marriages, a dysfunctional relationship with mom, estrangement from dad...blah, blah, blah) and draw swords on the secrets of my life that have infected so many facets of this "life-journey" (oh, how cliche' that sounds) -- i now roll my eyes, vocally scoffing at all of those reasons...those excuses.
From where i now sit; it all reads a like a cauldron full of bullshit-soup, and further begs the question; am i just full of it? Does all my self-educated-self-proclaimed-"knowledge" -- because i read nutrition books by the dozen, mind you, and work in the health-field -- does it all amount to a huge pile of donkey-dung? I mean; if i know so much about how to be healthy & fit, then why aren't i?
The most maddening part is that for the past several years (and most of my life) -- i've LIVED like a healthy person, doing Pilate's 3x's a week, playing tennis, completing 10,000 steps per day 3-5x's per week, & eating healthfully (no processed foods in THIS house!). I dedicated years to stair-climbing, many more to my Precor, and have danced competitively on a dance-team (clogging anyone?). I've devoted hours to countless reps of weight-training... hell; my WORK is physically taxing in such a way, few people i know could maintain the work schedule i keep!
And how did my body repay me for all of the above? How did it say; "thank you for taking such wonderful care of me!"? Why, it invited (in total) 15-20 extra lbs on board in a single year, that's how. And nope; before you think it -- none of it was muscle. It was squishy, wiggly, dimply, and infuriating. I'd developed a roll of fat -- what looked like a 2nd helping of boobies -- firmly planted, like a row of corn, just under my bosoms. My entire trunk had thickened like a Giant Oak. Oh, the misery...
In 2009 i started having other symptoms. Well, i'd had symptoms for several years (extreme fatigue, brain-fog, lousy sleep at night coupled with exhaustion all day long, changes in my skin and hair and eyesight) but i finally was ready to bypass my help-LESS primary-care-phys. and go somewhere else. That kinda opened the door to all that followed...I had so many doctor's appts that year, endured so many different kinds of tests, we met our deductible in a jiffy! That was the upside...Oh, and Dr. Woodson. He was an upside, too!
Dr. Woodson, an OBG who specializes in bio-identical HRT, was a God-send. With 2 blood panels taken over 3 months, he diagnosed me with Hypothyroidism, Syndrome W (a metabolic disorder -- hyperinsulinism, and common, usually undiagnosed, for menopausal women), & a practically bottomed out DHEA reading. I was further plagued with irregular heartbeat scares, chronic sinus infections, an elevated reaction to 'unavoidable air-bourn allergens', chonodromalacia patella, and acid reflux disease.
I was unhealthy; chronically sick, and gaining weight by the minute. I say it again; Crimminy! And for the first time, my body FELT unhealthy. It wasn't just fat; it was ill -- turning on me -- rejecting every good thing i tried to provide for it.
But let's be honest here; did i live like a food Nazi? Hell no! Did i proclaim myself the food-police, monitoring every morsel that entered my mouth? Of course not...and, let me tell ya; there were several weekends of over-indulgence; beer or wine, followed by late-night-Whataburger runs, and Pizza Hut or Domino's the next day.
For all the non-processed foods that never enter our kitchen; when we're good n' hung over (i say "we", coz that means Tom and me, Tom's my wonderful husband.) -- nothing hits the spot better than grease, starchy carbs, and a creamy milkshake. Could these random sporadic weekend-binges (and that they truly were; they don't happen that often!) be the root of all evil? Are THOSE choices to blame for my state of un-health? Could it really be as simple as "you are what you eat" -- and i'm really just a late-night "Double-meat-double-cheese, onion-rings instead of fries, and a chocolate shake for the drink" -- ?
Hmmmm...good question.
I dubbed 2009 my Year of Discovery. 2010 marks my Year of Repair...
I take medication and see a nutritionist for the Syndrome W diet (nicknamed The Nazi Diet From Hades...or NDFH), and am doing okay with this 'way of eating'...i get a little bored at times, but enjoy, for the most part, the kinds of food i can have. I started a Pedometer Step-Club on Facebook between me and several gal-pals...each competing to see 1st) who can reach 10,000 first, and 2nd) who garners the most steps in a day. I DO believe i've created a monster here, tho. Some of these ladies are steppin' ma-SHEENS!! I do well to keep up, much less win a day. It motivates me, nonetheless -- and that's what the game is about. Mr. Ego; take a back seat, please.
Because of my Chondromalacia Patella (simpler terms; mal-tracking patella + arthritis = bad ju-ju), i try to do less weight-bearing cardio and have taken up biking. Not hard-core spinning, but i purchased an upright stationary bike i like to hop on for about 30-45 mins before taking a 30 minute sauna (Far Infrared Sauna's are da-bomb! AND inexpensive!!). I feel like i'm doing so many of the right things...and again; for all my effort, since day 1 of The NDFH (Jan 5th), i've lost only 13 lbs.
I guess more honesty is due here; i've cheated. Lots. Not every day...not every week even! But there are days when the drive for sweet starchy carbs (or a good ol' fashioned milkshake) are just too much to deny. Had a bout last week -- Krispy Kreme to the rescue. Come to find out it was 1 week before Paula arrived -- my monthly visitor that now comes only sporadically -- being 45 and all -- so that was kind of a relief...to know it wasn't just a mental absence of will. To know it was driven by a hormonal shift that was louder than any other inner-voice at that moment. Dunno why that makes me feel better, but it does.
Still tho; perhaps i'd be further along if i had more will-power...i dunno. I constantly battle against wanting to do what i know is right... and not wanting to be on constant food-patrol. Obsessing over everything i can or cannot eat is no way to live, in my eyes...it reminds me too much of when i obsessed over what NOT to eat -- all the time. Once an anorexic, that voice is hard to quell. I bounced nice n' hard into compulsive over-eating during my first and second marriage (unhappiness ='s 60 lbs in my life) -- but i'm not unhappy anymore. I have a great life with a great fella and a great job. Except for my health/weight issues; life couldn't be better!
So...why the struggle? The diagnosis of Syndrome W is part of it--and will make this journey harder than i ever imagined it could be. According to my nutritionist, a small, spindly looking woman i suspect is herself an anorexic -- most women with this illness don't make it out. They find the journey too hard, and resign themselves to being "apples" and ultimately becoming diabetic. I'm fighting against that...that's my battle -- to NOT become a diabetic.
I'm striving for balance. Balance with food, balance with my health, balance in my relationships...just balance.
This is day 1 of this declaration. I feel silly saying this aloud, because what if i fail? What if i stay where i am and nothing changes...again?
But then again...what if it DOES? And i'm able to -- finally -- reclaim who i know i am? And i look to the world exactly as i look in my mind...thin, fit, and healthy. What happens then? Does that = bliss? It sure sounds like it, but again...i dunno.
I don't know if anyone will ever bother to read this. I'm trying not to care about that. My ego can whisper sweet-nothings of negativity into my ear whenever it comes to putting myself out there...i'm choosing to set that aside. For now, anyway. ;o)
Weight this morning: 177.5
Exercise: 30 mins walk + 30 min bike = 12, 122 steps
I was once a thin person. People would look at me and think "thin" -- and then one day...i wasn't. The truth is; i still FEEL like that thin-person, and am always a little shocked when i see my reflection, or a picture of that big-fat-cow that sort of resembles me. I understand all the reasons; the whys that created my thinness (youth, anorexia, exercise, anorexia) . And i'm more than aware of the reasons for why i am now NOT. It's written, in glaring, verbose, overwrought detail -- over and over and over again -- in hundreds of journal entries over the past 20 or so years. I get it; believe me. I recognize the battle i fight with myself. Two years of counseling eased most of that inner rage...
And though a part of me STILL wants to stand up in defiance; declaring war on my past (a trying childhood/adolescence, 2 bad marriages, a dysfunctional relationship with mom, estrangement from dad...blah, blah, blah) and draw swords on the secrets of my life that have infected so many facets of this "life-journey" (oh, how cliche' that sounds) -- i now roll my eyes, vocally scoffing at all of those reasons...those excuses.
From where i now sit; it all reads a like a cauldron full of bullshit-soup, and further begs the question; am i just full of it? Does all my self-educated-self-proclaimed-"knowledge" -- because i read nutrition books by the dozen, mind you, and work in the health-field -- does it all amount to a huge pile of donkey-dung? I mean; if i know so much about how to be healthy & fit, then why aren't i?
The most maddening part is that for the past several years (and most of my life) -- i've LIVED like a healthy person, doing Pilate's 3x's a week, playing tennis, completing 10,000 steps per day 3-5x's per week, & eating healthfully (no processed foods in THIS house!). I dedicated years to stair-climbing, many more to my Precor, and have danced competitively on a dance-team (clogging anyone?). I've devoted hours to countless reps of weight-training... hell; my WORK is physically taxing in such a way, few people i know could maintain the work schedule i keep!
And how did my body repay me for all of the above? How did it say; "thank you for taking such wonderful care of me!"? Why, it invited (in total) 15-20 extra lbs on board in a single year, that's how. And nope; before you think it -- none of it was muscle. It was squishy, wiggly, dimply, and infuriating. I'd developed a roll of fat -- what looked like a 2nd helping of boobies -- firmly planted, like a row of corn, just under my bosoms. My entire trunk had thickened like a Giant Oak. Oh, the misery...
In 2009 i started having other symptoms. Well, i'd had symptoms for several years (extreme fatigue, brain-fog, lousy sleep at night coupled with exhaustion all day long, changes in my skin and hair and eyesight) but i finally was ready to bypass my help-LESS primary-care-phys. and go somewhere else. That kinda opened the door to all that followed...I had so many doctor's appts that year, endured so many different kinds of tests, we met our deductible in a jiffy! That was the upside...Oh, and Dr. Woodson. He was an upside, too!
Dr. Woodson, an OBG who specializes in bio-identical HRT, was a God-send. With 2 blood panels taken over 3 months, he diagnosed me with Hypothyroidism, Syndrome W (a metabolic disorder -- hyperinsulinism, and common, usually undiagnosed, for menopausal women), & a practically bottomed out DHEA reading. I was further plagued with irregular heartbeat scares, chronic sinus infections, an elevated reaction to 'unavoidable air-bourn allergens', chonodromalacia patella, and acid reflux disease.
I was unhealthy; chronically sick, and gaining weight by the minute. I say it again; Crimminy! And for the first time, my body FELT unhealthy. It wasn't just fat; it was ill -- turning on me -- rejecting every good thing i tried to provide for it.
But let's be honest here; did i live like a food Nazi? Hell no! Did i proclaim myself the food-police, monitoring every morsel that entered my mouth? Of course not...and, let me tell ya; there were several weekends of over-indulgence; beer or wine, followed by late-night-Whataburger runs, and Pizza Hut or Domino's the next day.
For all the non-processed foods that never enter our kitchen; when we're good n' hung over (i say "we", coz that means Tom and me, Tom's my wonderful husband.) -- nothing hits the spot better than grease, starchy carbs, and a creamy milkshake. Could these random sporadic weekend-binges (and that they truly were; they don't happen that often!) be the root of all evil? Are THOSE choices to blame for my state of un-health? Could it really be as simple as "you are what you eat" -- and i'm really just a late-night "Double-meat-double-cheese, onion-rings instead of fries, and a chocolate shake for the drink" -- ?
Hmmmm...good question.
I dubbed 2009 my Year of Discovery. 2010 marks my Year of Repair...
I take medication and see a nutritionist for the Syndrome W diet (nicknamed The Nazi Diet From Hades...or NDFH), and am doing okay with this 'way of eating'...i get a little bored at times, but enjoy, for the most part, the kinds of food i can have. I started a Pedometer Step-Club on Facebook between me and several gal-pals...each competing to see 1st) who can reach 10,000 first, and 2nd) who garners the most steps in a day. I DO believe i've created a monster here, tho. Some of these ladies are steppin' ma-SHEENS!! I do well to keep up, much less win a day. It motivates me, nonetheless -- and that's what the game is about. Mr. Ego; take a back seat, please.
Because of my Chondromalacia Patella (simpler terms; mal-tracking patella + arthritis = bad ju-ju), i try to do less weight-bearing cardio and have taken up biking. Not hard-core spinning, but i purchased an upright stationary bike i like to hop on for about 30-45 mins before taking a 30 minute sauna (Far Infrared Sauna's are da-bomb! AND inexpensive!!). I feel like i'm doing so many of the right things...and again; for all my effort, since day 1 of The NDFH (Jan 5th), i've lost only 13 lbs.
I guess more honesty is due here; i've cheated. Lots. Not every day...not every week even! But there are days when the drive for sweet starchy carbs (or a good ol' fashioned milkshake) are just too much to deny. Had a bout last week -- Krispy Kreme to the rescue. Come to find out it was 1 week before Paula arrived -- my monthly visitor that now comes only sporadically -- being 45 and all -- so that was kind of a relief...to know it wasn't just a mental absence of will. To know it was driven by a hormonal shift that was louder than any other inner-voice at that moment. Dunno why that makes me feel better, but it does.
Still tho; perhaps i'd be further along if i had more will-power...i dunno. I constantly battle against wanting to do what i know is right... and not wanting to be on constant food-patrol. Obsessing over everything i can or cannot eat is no way to live, in my eyes...it reminds me too much of when i obsessed over what NOT to eat -- all the time. Once an anorexic, that voice is hard to quell. I bounced nice n' hard into compulsive over-eating during my first and second marriage (unhappiness ='s 60 lbs in my life) -- but i'm not unhappy anymore. I have a great life with a great fella and a great job. Except for my health/weight issues; life couldn't be better!
So...why the struggle? The diagnosis of Syndrome W is part of it--and will make this journey harder than i ever imagined it could be. According to my nutritionist, a small, spindly looking woman i suspect is herself an anorexic -- most women with this illness don't make it out. They find the journey too hard, and resign themselves to being "apples" and ultimately becoming diabetic. I'm fighting against that...that's my battle -- to NOT become a diabetic.
I'm striving for balance. Balance with food, balance with my health, balance in my relationships...just balance.
This is day 1 of this declaration. I feel silly saying this aloud, because what if i fail? What if i stay where i am and nothing changes...again?
But then again...what if it DOES? And i'm able to -- finally -- reclaim who i know i am? And i look to the world exactly as i look in my mind...thin, fit, and healthy. What happens then? Does that = bliss? It sure sounds like it, but again...i dunno.
I don't know if anyone will ever bother to read this. I'm trying not to care about that. My ego can whisper sweet-nothings of negativity into my ear whenever it comes to putting myself out there...i'm choosing to set that aside. For now, anyway. ;o)
Weight this morning: 177.5
Exercise: 30 mins walk + 30 min bike = 12, 122 steps
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