Having a bad week...:o(

I can't seem to get back on track. Tom was out of town Monday night, and because i knew this in advance; i was rather obsessed with planning what i would eat while he was away. It felt like old-times...back 'in the day' when i would binge-eat whenever Tim (Husband #1) traveled...which was constantly; since he was a pilot in the USMC.

As the day of Tom's travel drew near, i toyed with the idea of staying ON track...how rewarding that would feel if i did well, instead of indulging and gorging myself. I came close to doing that when i woke up with a sinus infection Monday AM...thus, giving me the necessary nudge in the wrong direction. Whenever i feel poorly, i feel i must treat myself to something i really like, because i'm SICK after all!

Dumb.

So; Tom left for work, i saw my only client for the day (cancelled everyone else coz i had a fever), then i drove to HEB for the things i'd been planning. The entire weekend, i couldn't decide if i'd prefer a bag of Oreos (it's been years since i'd had any) or Pop-Tarts. In the end; two reasons settled me on the Pop-Tarts...the warm crust and buttery goodness when i slathered oozing,melting butter over it's hardened frosting...and the fact that Oreos, if memory serves, always destroys my stomach. There's something truly toxic for me in those cookies.

I bought milk, eggs, Pop-tarts, lunch-meat (for Tom for later), a bottle of Pepsi, and a bag of Doritos. I knew i'd be ordering a large, thin-crust Pepperoni from Pizza Hut as soon as i left the store. The milk and eggs were purchased because i didn't want it to look to the check-out clerk like i was heading home with 2 bags full of shit-food to gobble. Milk and eggs are wholesome. Everybody thinks so; their purchase was designed to trick her.

It's always interesting to me how my shame of binge eating is always superseded by detailed planning to keep the person who takes my money for said-binge-food from knowing what i'm about to do.

Like ordering donuts at the drive-thru window at Krispy Kreme, and making sure to say "WE need 6 donuts..." and i always talk as if i'm ordering for a 2nd person...saying things like: "hmmmm, let's get 2 glazed, 2 chocolate, 1 cream-filled, and i think he'd like 1 lemon filled..."

Lie.

I guess that's what addicts do. OH, wow! Am i an addict? If you lie about your food, or sneak and hide it...doesn't that make you compulsive? And aren't those two primary factors IN an addiction?

Just more questions...

Along the way, to go with my studious plan for NOT looking like a binge-eater to the sales-clerk i do not know; i often think to myself; if THEY're a binge-eater, they'll recognize this behvaiour and know -- so i end up feeling ashamed anyway. One feeling feeds it's sickness into the next...

I think it's really just shame for shame's sake; because i'm ashamed of being a binger. It's mind boggling to me why we do things we feel so crappy about, why it's worth it to us -- when we know we hate feeling lousy, and yet we continue to put ourselves through it--mentally PUSH ourselves into it!-- in essense; making ourselves feel as shitty about ourselves as we can, just to have this "thing".

What's that about?

In any case; i reached my car, called Pizza Hut, ordered my pizza with Extra Sauce (coz the most important part), went to the Video store for new movies, then picked up the Pizza. Oh! One last thing; on my way out of the cereal/breakfast item's aisle at the store; i spotted some Little Debbie chocolate-swirl cakes. I hadn't had these in AGES! Of course; it didn't help that i was sick AND starving.

So, i bought a box. Ate one package while in the car. After picking up the pizza; i ate a slice while in the car. When i got home, i went thru the ritual of setting myself up for being permanently parked in front of the TV for the day; complete with phones, remotes, pillows, blankets, Pepsi and glass full of crushed ice, pizza and Lil Debbies. I ate the way i used to; alternating 1 slice of pizza with 1 twirly-cake. Sweet...salty...sweet...salty. Felt like old times... and not in a good, comforting way. In a destructive "how did i get back to HERE?" kind of way.

Although; i MUST say, in my own defense...it's not exactly like old times. In the old days, i'd eat the whole pizza in 2 hours, a whole box of Twinkies along with it, and a whole bottle of Pepsi. It'd all be gone LONG before midnight, and i usually hadn't sat down to start the devouring-process
til after 6:00 PM. So...things HAVE improved. Now i can't eat more than a little at a time...is that something to be proud of? I'm not sure...the behaviour that prefaces it is still the same, and that's not healthy, in and of itself.

So now...now, after all that, i'm in binge mode. I can't seem to shake it. Luckily, i haven't put on a ton of weight since eating almost that whole pizza on Monday. I ate half of it within 8 hours, which really isn't so bad. I had 2 pieces when home (after the 1 in the car), then would have a piece here and there, sporadically. I ended up giving the last 2-3 pieces to the dogs...because i was frankly tired of the taste; it wasn't 'good' anymore...

To add to the drama; all of this junk woke up my acid-reflux, which haunted me the rest of the day. Great. I hadn't had a bout of that in months. Oh well...consequences and all that jazz.

I didn't eat terribly yesterday; but didn't do great either. I ended up having a medium (which is really a large) chocolate milk-shake from Whataburger, coz my stomach was a little acidic and irritated. I had a tiny snack of crackers and cheese for a late aftn snack, then split a meal with Tom for dinner. I didn't feel like i'd over-eaten.

And today; i had eggs with 1 piece of cheese, a glass of milk, and 2 pop-tarts with butter. There it is...if the box is here, and nobody else is aware of it; i'll eat 'em. I made a pretty hefty sandwich for lunch, trying to internally justify this choice by all the lettuce i put on it. I did NOT, however, treat myself to another pop-tart, which was what i wanted to do. I think i need to throw the box out, or give it to my client. Hmmm...that's a good idea!

In any case; i was only up 1.4 lbs this AM for all of the shit i'd eaten. Because my body seems to be processing insulin better (correctly!), i don't seem to hang on to every morsel (water-weight not withstanding) i eat. Maybe, in time, i can just eat like a normal person and be fine.

Not that a large pizza, pop-tarts, and a box of Lil Debbies is considered normal...