Back down to 175 this AM

...and feeling better!! My knee is still giving me grief because of the dancing over the weekend, but it's not as bad as it was, and i'm able to get around better, which is a plus.

A gal-pal from high-school --someone i hadn't seen since 1981!! -- came into town for the day yesterday, and we spent it walking along the beach with her daughter, reminiscing about our high-school youth. It was fun & amazing, but left me a little melancholy. It was SO great to catch up...but it made it all the more clear just how far i've gotten from my adolescence, the kind of life i lead back then, and my faith-based roots. Life sure seemed much more simple back then, that's for sure.

It's been a long time since i've thought about those times; when i was a young, exuberant, Bible-belted gal, singing praises for "the Lord" (jeez, even writing that feels weird!), chronically concerned about my 'witness' --or portrayal of my faith to the outside world. It was such a huge, important part of my identity growing up-- and i loved having that as a primary ingredient in what made me, ME. But that girl; the girl i was, and the people that were a part of her life, feel so alien to me now.

Growing up Southern Baptist in the South with an awesome youth group certainly had it's advantages, and probably kept me out of the path trouble more times then i could conceive of. I was a good kid...by all means; a GREAT kid. I didn't flirt with danger, i didn't miss curfew, i didn't go too far with boys, i didn't cuss, drink, or get invited to any of the places where such things happened. Everyone knew who i was; i was bonafide!

But that "Christian" life -- a life where one speaks constantly about God's goodness, biblical passages, and looks at the world & sees 'them' and 'us'...it's just not a life i could lead today. Nothing about it feels authentic or real to me anymore...and that's what makes me a little sad. I guess it's a loss of innocence, hmm?

I sometimes wonder if i would have lead a less tumultuous life if i didn't question things so much, and just accepted all path's as God's Will. But what IS that anyway ~ this"God's Will...?" Isn't it really just our own psyche trying to find answers to the unanswerable? Trying to justify choices we make, tragedies we survive, good fortune (or "blessings") we receive...isn't it just in our innate nature to twist the unexplained, bending it to our will -- morphing it into something that has definition...substance...answers...? Isn't all of it mostly and truly about comfort from that that which we fear..death and the unknown?

It's just not in me anymore, to look at coincidence and chance and see divine intervention...i don't look at the world and wonder of "Him" -- i see a cosmic happening that occured through eons of constantly evolving molecules & matter, bringing us, after hundreds of thousands of years, up to date. Not very faith-based, is it? Hmmm...

Dunno why i took off on that tangent. Seeing Cheryl just made me think about all that...and what made me sad was that i almost wish i could go back to the girl who never questioned what she'd been taught in church. I wish, on some level, i could have continued my life - oblivious to logic and science. I see many i grew up with (on Facebook) and they're leading what APPEARS to be satisfying, fulfilling lives centered around family and faith. That could've been me.

Hmmm....that could've been me...
It's so strange to think about...

Anyway -- back to the now; i worked out yesterday, via the walk on the beach, and also did a 20 min bike ride, managing to get over 11,000 steps for the day. I ate pretty well, and didn't go nuts while we were at the beach, opting for a blackened red-fish Po'boy (1/2 the roll) WITH tartar sauce, AND a real coke. ;o) And still; i was down to 175 toda! :o)

This is a little dangerous, i think, isn't it? I'm finding i can still lose weight while actually living by the 80/20 rule -- eat right/ do right 80% of the time, and indulge the other 20%. Is it possible to be healthy, and Syndrome W free--or more importantly DIABETES FREE -- living this way? I have a feeling i'm going to test these limits, just because i know i can.

Well, at least for now, i can. There may come a point, and probably will, where these indiscretions lead to plateaus and weight gains. Interesting how instead of doing the right thing and just halting all indulgences, i internally insist on flirting with that line in the sand. I guess i just don't know how (or more truthfully don't WANT TO) do it any other way...

What does that say about me?
Is there God's Will in any of that, ya figure? ;o)